"Not flesh of my flesh, Nor bone of my bone, But still miraculously my own. Never forget for a single minute,
You didn't grow under my heart - but in it"

Saturday, May 1, 2010

33.333333% Chance

We were told about a baby boy in Texas named Noah. His teen parents made the hard decision to place him for adoption only for the adoptive family to back out. We lost our Russian adoption, were grieving but made a call, that call lead us to Noah and his first parents. Now we have a 33.33% chance of being Noah's mama and daddy. Noah has a chromosome anomaly. He is 6 weeks old.

The genetic testing was done and results are pending. Paul and I have been reading up on chromosome 5 which is the affect chromosome. We find out the results soon.

I was thinking..there are 3 families including us that are trying to adopt Noah. So no matter what 2 families lose. That is so very sad. I dont know how to prepare myself for yet another loss. Should I hold out hope and dream of my life as a mom to a son or should I just tuck it away somewhere and go on as if we never made that call? This is by far the most difficult my life has been. My heart was guarded but I let down the wall and said I would follow God no matter what. But God this hurts. I know that He didnt ever promise the road would be easy or painless, but God this hurts. My heart hurts. I have to realize that she may say no. What do I do, how will I feel, will it hurt as bad as Faith? Am I ever going to adopt? Will I ever have a son? why would God give me this passion? It hurts. God, my heart, I know you hold it in Your hands, but it hurts. Why would I feel so much for children I never met? we havent even seen a picture of Noah and I guess that is for the best. I am afraid of how much it will hurt if the answer is no. I am afraid. I lost a child about 7 1/2 years ago. That was hard, horrible. It happened once and I told God I could never handle that again. Then we lost Faith and oh did that hurt, more than the miscarriage. I got updates on Faith, pictures of her at different ages and milestones she was reaching. For our miscarriage I was pregnant then I wasnt, I was delivering in the bathroom my dead baby. I had weeks of bleeding so I knew he was not meant to be. Itdidnt make the moment we said goodbye any easier, but with Faith it was she is yours, she is yours, she is yours, no shes not. Almost 5 months of constant praying and loving this child and the poof they took it all away like some cruel joke and I am left to mourn.

Will it be like that with Noah. Ive never seen his face. I havent known about him for very long, I am afraid. I dont want to lose one more child. I think it will hurt. What will the other families feel if they arent chosen, will they grieve? I can't even fathom what it would be like to get the call and hear "she chose you". To have a son, to adopt, to end this dream/nightmare. To have my stomach stop hurting and be able to sleep again. To not have those butterflies in my stomach feeling. To be able to answer the phone without jumping when it rings.

Sometimes I envision myself carrying an infant carseat into church, having people come up to admire our new addition to welcome our son. It hurts to imagine right now.

So 33.33% chance. Could this be our Psalm 30:11? Could this be what turns our mourning into dancing? I guess time will tell.

TO BE CONTINUED......

3 comments:

  1. It's probably not about chance. God already knows who Noah's parents are. He knows already. He created this baby for whoever those parents are. Maybe you. Maybe someone else. That's the hard part. Don't you just wish you could ask him to give you a little glimpse? A tiny glimpse? I know your heart aches but try to rest in God's arms knowing He has a plan for you and for your family. Hang in there.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I just got caught up on your posts and I'm fighting back the tears. My girls wouldn't understand why Mommy is crying. You've come so far so quickly. I can't believe you are now committed to adopting a beautiful baby boy! That's fantastic and I'll be right here with you through this journey. Please know that I have big shoulders and two ears and I'm here if you need me. I, too, will be guarded about my feelings for Noah because the loss of Faith is painful for me as well. But I am still here and I know that something wonderful is coming!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Thank you ladies. You know Sarah I just had that conversation with someone. God knows who Noah's parents are and soon we all will know. I wish God would tell me if it was us or not. Our child is out there, somewhere.

    Melissa, thanks. I cant believe this journey we have been on. Hope to give you some good news soon.
    Be blessed

    ReplyDelete