"Not flesh of my flesh, Nor bone of my bone, But still miraculously my own. Never forget for a single minute,
You didn't grow under my heart - but in it"

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

My Own Backyard


I wanted to change the world.

All my life that was my dream. When I was younger it was considered cute, when I got older it was naive now its just time to grow up. Why do people try to stifle others from changing the world. Maybe it is because one person doing one thing isnt enough to really change the world. But then I think of the star fish story, oh you know the one. Anyone who has ever even heard about someone adopting has heard of the Starfish Story.

When I thought about changing the world I thought of Africa, Guatemaula, far off distant lands, 3rd world countries. I was going to travel the world changing it. But I never got there. I heard about others going and was jealous. Not a great color on me. I wanted so much to be great to do great things for God. I have 5 kids when I can I pick up and leave for Africa?


Then we felt God called us to adoption. We were going to adopt an orphan from Russia and travel there and save her. Finally I could change the world..for one, but still I could change the world. Then we lost her. God hadnt called us to Russia at all but to Texas. Texas...seriously? There is no need in Texas, again I fail at doing anything great for God. I got an amazing son and would not trade him for all of Russia.

Then we felt God call us back to Texas only this time to stay. It is beautiful here. But again I felt this urgency to do great things. When could I get to Africa? To Haiti? Anywhere... then it happened.

God called me to Texas. He called me to do great things in Texas. Really? Texas? I realized on my way home from the NICU of a local hospital that God put me right there to use me for His glory. It wasn't about going to far off places. Those places need people too but I was not one of them. I am not called to Africa, I am not called to Haiti, I am not called to Guatemala. I...I am called to be right here in Texas right now. And you know what? Thats perfectly ok with me.

Be blessed

Sunday, July 17, 2011

God in every detail


Isn't God amazing?!

Lately, I have been feeling like my life has been dull...I felt like I wasnt doing enough for the kingdom of God. I have always ask God to use me and things have been boring here as of late and I havent been doing much of anything. Fast forward to last night. I get an email that a mom wants pics of her twins in the NICU. Well I love taking pictures of NICU and orphaned babies. Its my heart. BUT I fly out on Wednesday for Pa and I am not keen on traveling over 90mins to take the pics like I have to do sometimes. I knew I wouldnt tell her no because I hardly ever tell anyone no, but I was wondering how I could swing it. Turns out she was at a hospital near our church. (Aint God grand!) I told her after church I would stop by.


This morning at church the pastor said God is still worthy of our praise no matter what kind of day we are having. I found that quote to be very profound. Sometimes we are so quick to halt all conversations with God because we feel slighted by Him. He is God and we should respect that. Today the message made me want to get out of my seat and jump. It must have made other people feel that way too because several got up and did just that. He spoke about a covenant we have with God.

Genesis 17:7 I will establish my covenant as an everlasting covenant between me and you and your descendants after you for the generations to come, to be your God and the God of your descendants after you.

I couldnt possibly write everything he said today and if I did it wouldn't be half as great as how he said it but one thing was so inspiring. He was speaking as David when he went up against Goliath. "Who is this uncircumcised Philistine that he should defy the armies of the living God?"(1 samuel 17:26) Pastor said David didnt say who is this philistine he knew from spending time with God and learning about Him that the circumcision was the sign of the covenant and Goliath didnt have God on his side because he did not have the sign of the covenant. David knew that he could not lose. He knew he didnt need armor because he had the sign of the covenant and Goliath didnt. David trusted God. And we know how that battle played out. David won. Pastor said why do we let fear stop us from doing something when we know we are in a covenant relationship with God? Why do we constantly feel like we have to do it all on our own. Psalm 81:10 I am the LORD your God, who brought you up out of Egypt. Open wide your mouth and I will fill it.

So after church I headed with the fam to the hospital to shoot. Paul took the kids out for a daddy kid lunch while I worked. I found the NICU and proceeded to scrub in. Boy is that a process. Well a couple came in and I starting chatting with them. Someone said that southern women can talk the paint off walls. I think I was suppose to be southern :) I ask the woman how early her baby was. She said her baby was right on time but had some chromosome issues.

Hello God! I know you are in this!

I started talking to her about Noah. We spent maybe 5 minutes together and went down separate halls. As I was trying to find the twins and their mama I prayed for that other family's baby. It must be very unnerving to not know what is going to happen or how to process this all when you have just given birth 4 days prior. With Paul and I we knew we wanted a special needs child, we sought after a child with needs. These people carried a child for almost 10 months and had dreams and aspirations and then he was born and their world was rocked. I cant imagine.

I found the twins and their mom. She is a beautiful woman with 5 kids! (Hi God!) The nurse has 5 kids too and get this 3 are adopted (I see you God!) from foster care(HELLO LORD!). We all high fived for the elite club we are in! Whoot Whoot! Hey dont knock it til ya try it what what! :) I had a wonderful shoot with wonderful people. I love NICU babies! Preemies, oh how I love those itty bitty blessings! You know what rocks my world, which ironically terrifys me on everyone else, belly buttons! Have you seen a preemies belly button? They are perfect, no black cord stuff, they arent huge nope. They are teeny tiny itty bitty lil things. Perfectly formed little things too! So once I got past that, ok so I still havent, but anyways I finished the shoot and had a blast. The nurse and the mama were so warm and friendly. I really had a wonderful time. I hope I can get back to that NICU to take pics of the other little miracles there.

Can you imagine a baby so small? The pics dont do them justice, they are just teeny! Every time I see a preemie I cant help but think of God. I know He formed our innermost parts and when I see those babies I know that I KNOW He formed our innermost parts. Ya know what I mean? Those babies are God just showin off! Wow. Breathtakingly amazing!

So I texted my husband to come get me and headed out of the hospital. He said he was waiting so I tried to find my way out of the NICU. 20 mins later I found the elevator :) When I made it to the front of the hospital I saw the mom I had scrubbed in with. So I went over to talk to her. Usually I just avoid people I have no idea what got into me. I was talking to her and then her husband came up and we were all talking. Honestly I dont even know what I was saying. I hope it was from God and not me. I hope I didnt offend them either. Then the woman said something to me that gave me Jesus bumps(as my lil old italian friend calls them)she said she really felt like God put me in that room with them. Her husband said none of the parents talk to each other while scrubbing in and there I was and I started talking to them, they knew it was God. They felt like God was walking with them through this. She took my card and number and I hope she looks me up on Facebook. I would be happier if she found me on google+ lol.

Anyways it was an amazing God filled day. God was in every detail. I ask God to use me and He is. Sometimes I dont see it, sometimes I dont feel like he is and then I go somewhere and it becomes perfectly clear why I am where I am at that very moment. Thank you Lord.

Be blessed

Saturday, July 16, 2011

Thursday, July 14, 2011

July 18th

Eight years ago Paul and I lost our little boy. His due date was July 18th and he was born in Nov. I grieved a lot the first few years. Then life happened and more babies, more trials, more death and then today. You know recently I was thinking about him, we named him elijah james, funny how Noah's middle name is james too and we didnt name Noah. Anyways I thought that I felt too ok about his death. Like I didnt care or had gotten over it. I wrestled with wanting to know if I had really loved him like my other 5 kids? Then today I guess I got my answer.

I ask Paul if he ever thought about elijah. I was sure the answer was no. So sure I would have bet on it, but to my surprise he said yes even more lately since he read the book Heaven is for real. He said he was glad Elijah had a name. And he wondered what he would look like. As I replied back to him via text that I bet he looked like Paul I just cried, like a deep deep sorrowful cry. It was like the cry I cried when I lost him. I remember that day, the day he didnt have a heartbeat.

I was glad that Paul said what he said about our baby. It made it feel more real. He validated my feelings, my loss. So many people think that miscarriage or pregnancy loss is not like you really lost a "real" baby. I dont know why they think that. As a woman and a mother and as a mom who has carried a child I can say that in the great words of Horton, "a persons a person no matter how small." I felt that loss.

The tricky part of losing him is I know or think anyway that had he lived perhaps the other kids wouldnt be here. They are here and he isnt and so losing the other ones seems so profound to me because I never got to know him.

Then as I was talking to Paul I looked at the date and here we are coming up on the anniversary of the due date that never was. So today I am going to say to my first little man that I love you, I miss you and I know that we will meet in Heaven. Until then play with your great great gramma and tell her we miss her so much and have fun with your uncle Bob, tell him he is missed so much too. I wish I knew what you looked like and I wish I could hang out with Jesus like you do, but I am taking care of your brother and sisters down here. I love you, Love mom.

I use to fear death and some days I still do but after reading that book, Heaven has become more real to me just like my baby has. Heaven is real and I will see my loved ones again. Things will be good again. An 11yr old girl once said that this world is the only heaven non christians will ever see and the only hell christians will ever know. How true that is. I cant imagine a world where I am happy and content all the time. A place where there is no trash talk or condescending. A place where I can see and walk with Jesus. Sounds unreal!

Well sorry this post was all over the place. I am all over the place right now. A lot is going on in my life right now.

Be blessed

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Unrest

My soul is not at rest. I yearn for more than this life. I feel like I am not doing anything. I feel like a rock. Something deep inside me fills me with a sense of urgency. Yet I am not doing anything. I dont know what to do to make my soul find peace and rest.



Be blessed

Friday, July 8, 2011

Large Families FAQ with Come Backs.

Large Families FAQ with Come Backs.



1) You have your hands full!



Yes, happily so!

Yes, and my heart too.

Don't say anything, just look puzzled at your hands. (This does obviously

not work if you are carrying a baby :-)

Yes, but I would rather have my hands full than empty!





2) Are they all yours?



No, I just went to Rent-a-Brat.

No, this is not all of them, my oldest is at home with the triplets. HEHE!

No, actually two are the mailman's and I am not sure whose is that one.....

No, I picked up a couple extra in the produce aisle.

Gee, I never heard that question before!

Of course they're all mine. Do you think I take five (or fill in your

number) kids shopping for fun?

No..........I have two more at home! (When it fits)

Yes, and they're such good kids!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (the kids love that one!)

Of course they are..wait..who is that one? Hes not ours.....oh,yeah, 5 , I

forgot I had him.

I don't know. How many do you count?

Yes. But if you have any you don't want, I'll gladly take them, too .

No. I've been an avid collector for years and just picked these up in the

food court!

Yes, at least that's what I tell my husband.

Yes, we just enjoy sex soooooo much!

Why do you want to know?

Well, not today.

We are trying to get into the Guiness Book of World Records of (add whatever

here) most kids, largest family living in one house, etc.

Yes, I always want just one more.

Check back in nine months and you'll see for yourself.





3) Don't you know what causes that?



No, please tell me!

Of course, don't you?

Yes, we do know what causes that and we like it very much, thank you.

Oh yes, we finally figured it out and we now keep the tooth brushes in

seperate glasses!

Oh yes, I now wash my husband's underwear seperately.

Oh yes, having a great sex life!

Water or sex but I don't want to give up either.

Smile brightly and say with enthusiasm "Yes and we like it!"

You bet I do......love, love, love ( & sex, sex, sex.....hehehe.......)

Yes,and as you only have two kids obviously you dont do it much.

Yes, and it is something I am very good at...

Of course, and the Lord has greatly blessed us!

A strong husband/wife relationship, big hearts, and the Lord's blessing.





4) Are you going to get fixed?



Nope, I am not broken!

Why do you want to know?

Huh, we thought everything was working fine for us!?!

We didn't know anything was broken.

Don't you only fix things that aren't working properly?

Well as you can see be the size of OUR family everything is in working

order. :)(You have to say this last one with the kinda "I'm not to bright so

your question seems kinda foolish don't you think?" attitude.





5) I can't believe how you do it, I cannot even handle my two!



Yes, if I had kids like you, I wouldn't have any more either!

Yes, you don't strike me as the type who could handle more kids than that.

I do it like most people, in bed and after the kids are sleeping.

I put knobs on the kids. Makes them easier to handle.

Everyone has 24 hours in a day, it is just how you use it...nt

With lots of patience, patience, patience

go and look at them while they're sleeping. This reminds me of what sweet

children of God they are and keeps me going!

Oh, I just do it. Wake up in the morning, do what you have to do all day, go

to bed when it's done.

Pick your battles carefully. It helps to have selective sight and hearing!

Don't sweat the small stuff.

(this is a good one for chat rooms) Oh, straight jackets and handcuffs!





6) Are you planning to have any more?



I've been wondering about this and maybe you can explain it to me: I always

thought you had to plan NOT to have more.

Before we were married we planned on having 2, but I didn't know that my

husband couldn't count!

We didn't plan the first five, I don't think we'll plan the next five,

either.





7) I hope you aren't planning to have anymore?!?





You mean, I just figured out what I'm really, really good at, and you're

telling me to stop doing it?

Talk to God about it... it's up to Him.

Well, we do have room in our Yukon for 1 more. LOL!!!!!

OK, I won't plan my next one. Surprises can be fun!

Yup we are going to keep going till we get an ugly one.





8) Haven't you heard of birth control?





Yes, and I thank God it doesn't always work!

Yes, I've heard of it, I hope you are using it!

(for dad) Yes, but I just can't find a rubber that will fit me!

Yes, that's great stuff for people with ugly kids!

Oh yes, we do know what birth control is; it's for people who don't want

children.





9) Don't you have a television?



Yes, but we only get X-rated channels

Yes! Did you know there are 28 porn channels in this area?

No, we have much better things to do at night!

Yes 4 of them. Why?





10) How can you afford having so many?



Lifestyles are expensive not kids.

We're not on welfare, in huge amounts of debt, and no, my husband is not a

doctor or lawyer. We just budget well.

I figure you spend what you make, you may as well spend it on more.

" You don't know my financial backer!" (God, of course)

I'm still not sure how we do it...but it works!





11) I am glad it is you and not me!



Yes, me too!

My kids are glad it's me and not you too! ;-)

Oh me too! I love being a mother! and smile real BIG!





12) Do you get any time for yourselves?





Obviously we get a little time to ourselves, or we wouldn't have five kids.





13) Did you give birth to all of them?



Yes, I gave birth to them all. Do you really believe the stork dropped them

off?





14) When people just keep staring at your family....



Yes, they all are mine!

No, we don't try to overpopulate the earth, just to outnumber the idiots.

Be blessed

Thursday, July 7, 2011

update

I update from time to time on our family blog. Here is a link to the family blog to see some cute pics and video.

http://blog.beckfamily143.com/2011/07/videos-and-pics.html

Be blessed

Gone but hopefully not forgotten


Remember Warner?http://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gif I posted a few times about him. I was trying to raise money for his adoption. We raised over 2000.00. I was still pledging to be his warrior and thinking up the next big fundraiser when I got an email today. He went to be with Jesus.

I dont know his real name. I dont know how old that picture was or what he looked like recently. I do know that he didnt deserve to die in an orphanage alone and afraid. He is dancing with Jesus now and for that and only that I rejoice...an orphan no more.


Please consider adopting a child. There are over 143 million to pick from.

I will not leave you as orphans I will come for you. John 14:18

Be blessed

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Take Me out to the Ballgame!

Noah went to his first ever baseball game last night. He had a blast. I just cant believe it. He clapped and cheered loudly for only the Rangers without prompting. When they sang deep in the heart of Texas Noah danced. My boy is a true Texan born and bred. I dont think I have ever seen Paul more proud. He talked about how much Noah loved the game and how much he loved that Noah loved the game.





















We had a blast. Left early so we didnt see them win but it was great.

Be blessed

Sunday, July 3, 2011