"Not flesh of my flesh, Nor bone of my bone, But still miraculously my own. Never forget for a single minute,
You didn't grow under my heart - but in it"

Thursday, July 14, 2011

July 18th

Eight years ago Paul and I lost our little boy. His due date was July 18th and he was born in Nov. I grieved a lot the first few years. Then life happened and more babies, more trials, more death and then today. You know recently I was thinking about him, we named him elijah james, funny how Noah's middle name is james too and we didnt name Noah. Anyways I thought that I felt too ok about his death. Like I didnt care or had gotten over it. I wrestled with wanting to know if I had really loved him like my other 5 kids? Then today I guess I got my answer.

I ask Paul if he ever thought about elijah. I was sure the answer was no. So sure I would have bet on it, but to my surprise he said yes even more lately since he read the book Heaven is for real. He said he was glad Elijah had a name. And he wondered what he would look like. As I replied back to him via text that I bet he looked like Paul I just cried, like a deep deep sorrowful cry. It was like the cry I cried when I lost him. I remember that day, the day he didnt have a heartbeat.

I was glad that Paul said what he said about our baby. It made it feel more real. He validated my feelings, my loss. So many people think that miscarriage or pregnancy loss is not like you really lost a "real" baby. I dont know why they think that. As a woman and a mother and as a mom who has carried a child I can say that in the great words of Horton, "a persons a person no matter how small." I felt that loss.

The tricky part of losing him is I know or think anyway that had he lived perhaps the other kids wouldnt be here. They are here and he isnt and so losing the other ones seems so profound to me because I never got to know him.

Then as I was talking to Paul I looked at the date and here we are coming up on the anniversary of the due date that never was. So today I am going to say to my first little man that I love you, I miss you and I know that we will meet in Heaven. Until then play with your great great gramma and tell her we miss her so much and have fun with your uncle Bob, tell him he is missed so much too. I wish I knew what you looked like and I wish I could hang out with Jesus like you do, but I am taking care of your brother and sisters down here. I love you, Love mom.

I use to fear death and some days I still do but after reading that book, Heaven has become more real to me just like my baby has. Heaven is real and I will see my loved ones again. Things will be good again. An 11yr old girl once said that this world is the only heaven non christians will ever see and the only hell christians will ever know. How true that is. I cant imagine a world where I am happy and content all the time. A place where there is no trash talk or condescending. A place where I can see and walk with Jesus. Sounds unreal!

Well sorry this post was all over the place. I am all over the place right now. A lot is going on in my life right now.

Be blessed


  1. Praying for you today! I know Abigail's fifth angelversary was this month and surprising I had a difficult time with it. I know what you mean when you said if one would have lived the other ones wouldn't be here. I know without a shadow of a doubt I would have stopped after Abigail. I thank God every day for my two blessings. I can just imagine Eijah, Taylor, and Abigail all playing together waiting for their Mama's to get there! :D I agree with you that I used to fear death, but know I know my Father and daughter (and son) are waiting for me. I always cry at church when we sing certain worship songs. I can see myself standing before God's throne and my four children around me. Whenever it says about laying your trophies down all I can picture is me presenting my four babies. Praying for you and Paul today.

  2. We lost our 1st child too early to tell which gender he/she was. I think it was a boy & I lovingly refer to him as Matthew. I remember how hard it was to lose that pregnancy, to wrap my head around it all. But I don't wish he could be here, b/c I know he's safe in Jesus' arms. He's where I want to be & where I want each of my children, their spouses, & their children to be. I can't wait until we can all join him!

    Ashlee, don't ever be sorry about posting such things. You are real & this will minister to people. God is using you even when you don't realize it. God bless you Ashlee!