"Not flesh of my flesh, Nor bone of my bone, But still miraculously my own. Never forget for a single minute,
You didn't grow under my heart - but in it"

Friday, December 30, 2011

Love this song

I was coming home from the gym talking to God like any other night when I paused and heard "All i know is I'm not home yet this is not where I belong take this world and give me Jesus this is not where I belong" I instantly turned it up. There was something about that song. I got home and googled it immediately. Thank God for google huh. I ask Paul if he heard it and he hadnt yet. So I played it. I have just fallen in love with it. The lyrics are amazing, the beat is fantastic, and it just speaks to me. It reminds me that this is not my home this is not where I belong. Oh Glory Hallelujah! I am so glad this is not my forever home. Anyways maybe it will speak to you too. Take a listen.



Be blessed

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Medical and Drama Free Christmas


This year was our first Christmas in Texas and what a Christmas it was! Usually it is rush rush rush, open, open, open, go here now go here now go here. Last year we were in the hospital talking about Noah not living much longer, picc lines, ivs, surgeries, etc. Thank you Lord for an amazing Christmas this year!!

Paul and I woke up at 530am. We were a little excited. That and we didnt want the kids to start without us and us not know. The girls didnt wake up until about 730. We made them wait at the top of the steps until we got Noah cleaned up and bathed, he woke up covered in crap (literally), and I grabbed the camera Paul grabbed the video camera and off the went.

They went straight for the bikes. Boy were they surprised and happy. Noah ran over to his quad and got on and didnt get off for a few hours. He knew exactly what to do and rode that thing all over the place. He even left skid marks all over the carpet. Haha.

We then ate chocolate chip pancakes as per tradition and hung out for awhile. On and off all day we opened gifts. The kids were very blessed. We all are. Just having us all together and healthy was a gift in itself. We spent the day playing, laughing, loving and enjoying each other. It was AWESOME!!!

Be blessed

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

GI appointment

Today we went to the GI doctor. I love this doctor she is great! We had to go to Dallas Medical City. So we headed out and got there 15 mins early. The whole appointment was maybe 20-30 mins including wait time. It was fantastic. It wasnt like we waited 25 minutes and saw the doctor for 5. We saw the doctor for awhile. She is very through.

Noah is 33.5 inches and 22 pounds 10 oz. He is on the growth charts! He is 48% for height and 4% for weight. His height to weight % is 2. This is good news. He gained weight. On Dec. 8th he was 21 lbs 15oz. So he gained almost a pound. For weeks and weeks now Noah has had a steady losing streak weight wise. At first I thought he had lost again. It wasnt until hours later and a call back to the GI to confirm that I realized he gained.

Dr Whitney says she prefers we keep the current button we have because it really is better. For now we have to keep it aired out and put Mylanta on it. Yes you read that right Mylanta. So we are to put that around the tube. The black stuff coming out of his tube was probably dried blood due to irritation on the inside. She says it is fine. Also we are not to put him on the higher cal pedisure either because it may take away his drive to eat by mouth.

She also said we cant change genetics. Genetically T8 kids are smaller. God made them that way for a reason perhaps if they were heavy something wouldnt work right she said. I think she makes a good point. I also think that seeing my son's ribs is not a site any mama wants to see. I feel judged by people like they think we dont feed him or what if someone thinks its abuse? She said that Noah would not be doing as well as he is without Paul and I doing as good as we are with him. That was nice of her and reassuring.

So all in all she isnt worried and feels like we are doing all the right things and he is doing well. Now for some cuteness :)



Be blessed

Monday, December 19, 2011

Which one are you being?

Have you ever seen the movie What If? Its like a christian version of Family Man. Anyways the husband was being awful. The wife had every right to be so nasty right back, I would have. Instead she got her Bible, prayed for him, then went up to him with the Bible. She ask him to read something out loud to her.

He started, "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.

Then she looked at him and said, "Which one of those are you being?"

It hit me! Like a ton of bricks. Made me stop in my tracks and now every time I am being a pill to my man God whispers in my ear,"Which one are you being right now?" :/

Be blessed

Monday, December 5, 2011

A Son.

Lately I have been thinking a lot about Mary, Jesus' mom. It is probably because it is Christmas time and also I think because I have a son.

I'm not Catholic so I wasnt brought up learning or hearing much about Mary. In fact I never really thought about her much until last year. It's different having a son.

I can't imagine what Mary was going through. She was young, the Bible says. She wasnt married. Her son was fully human and fully God. She birthed God, she nursed God, she changed God's poopy diapers. Can you imagine? I never really thought about Jesus needing His diaper changed. Do you think she knew He was going to die such a horrific death for you and me? Do you think she got angry or bitter when she knew what His calling was? Do you think she spanked Him? I wonder if He ever needed spanked? I wonder if she sat on the ground and played with Him? I wish I was born in that time.

I can't imagine what she went through seeing her son being taken away and hung on a cross. How many people had to hold her back? If you are a mother you know what I mean. If someone tries to hurt my child there is an intense rage in me that kicks in and makes me want to kill them protect my child. I wish I could just talk to her. Share parenting stories. Hear about Jesus as a child....

Thursday, December 1, 2011

Christmas is Coming

As I am recovering from surgery there isnt much I can do. Thank God for a wonderful loving husband that can do all the things I cant.

Tonight I convinced him to let me go with him and the kids to the store. He didnt want to but how can he say no to me (bats eyelashes and smiles). We got each of the kids their own ornament for this year and we bought stuff to make reindeer pics. The kids had fun making them. They turned out really nice and now we hang them proudly over our mantle.

We also had a visit from Santa today! The kids went crazy. Sarie and AJ were so excited. Sarie more than anyone though. You know the 2 little girls had no idea this santa was their daddy. When it came time to sit on his lap for a pic they all did...except AJ. She was terrified. I found that so funny considering this was her daddy. How could she not know that?! He finally grabbed her and held her and she flipped out. I got it on camera, it was hilarious.

So all in all today was a great day. I really would have loved to go to the gym and spin and lift weights and be active but the energy isnt there. I know there is a time for everything including a time to heal and be still. That is what time I am in although I dont like that. I am severely bloated and have horrible reflux pains. Because of that I wasnt hungry so I hadnt eaten since Monday. I hope the bloat goes down soon and I can get back to having some great energy and feeling good. I am very excited about this though. This will change my life in ways you could never imagine. I cant wait to experience life now. I am also hoping this not hungry feeling will stay. Maybe my overeating was a result of my uterus and now I will eat to full and no more? I can dream cant I?!

I cant believe Christmas is 24 days away. I love this time of year. I love the Nativity and thinking about Jesus being born and his young mama. This year we got a late start and I am glad. I think I will keep it up longer. Paul also got his real tree. He has wanted one every year but this is the first time we got one. Its beautiful! Amazing! Smells like Christmas in here. The kids decorated it. I strung the popcorn and have the holes and blood stained fingers to prove it! The kids hung the candy canes and all the ornaments. All the homemade ornaments from the last 12 years my gram made are on the tree. Its just a beautiful tree. The star on the top Paul got for our very first christmas tree together. He had to put new lights on it once already but we are not getting rid of it. I even have my great grandmothers ornaments on there. That tree feels like family. Like a piece of who I was and who I am now. We move so often the ornaments are the only thing that stay the same.

Paul is flying his new helicopter and it is getting way to close to me!

Blogger wont let me post pics so I will when I can.

Be blessed

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Monday, November 28, 2011

Prayers

I am going to post about me for a second. Hope thats ok. So often I type on here all of the medical stuff Noah is going through or is having done or up coming. It's kinda weird that its about me now.

I went to the doctor to today for pre op. Tomorrow I am to have a hysterectomy. The first hour there was horrible. I had to fight back tears and was shaking. They said we owed 200. and I knew we didnt. The insurance and hospital already told us it was covered. They said we didnt meet our out of pocket or deductible. We had. Long stressful story short I talked them down to 128 which they will refund when they find out I am right!

So next it was exam and talking to the doctor. Everything was going fine, he said I would keep both ovaries and tubes and how it would be all laparscopic and in and out and better in a week but down and out 3-6 weeks. Then we are all finished and he looks at the sonogram results. He keeps looking for a long time. Silence. WTheck?

He then says in a low voice, "If it is cancer we will have to go in abdominally." If its WHAT?! Cancer? Huh?! I was too stunned to say anything then he said..and we may have to take the right ovary.

Wow. Well. Ok. I told him before he left. I dont care what kind of scare I have or what you have to do, but you get me home to my 5 kids!

So if you read this and feel so called could you pray for us. We havent found anyone for the kids so they are going to the hospital with us and a friend will come to help with the kids later on in the day. We have to be there at 11am Texas time and surgery is 1pm.

So prayers

That I wake up! Not during the surgery though OMGSH! lol

That its not cancer.

If it is cancer they get it all for good.

That the kids will be good and not get sick. I have masks for them to wear.

That Paul will have strength to deal with all he has to.

Thank you all so much!

Be blessed

Monday, November 21, 2011

Micah 6:8

“He has showed you, O man, what is good. And what does the LORD require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God.” Micah 6:8



I love that verse and that song. But to tell the truth I dont really know what it means. I have been asking God to show me what it means. I had to look up each word.

To act justly.

To love mercy.

To walk humbly with our God.

justly: 1. Honorable and fair in one's dealings and actions: a just ruler. See Synonyms at fair
2. Consistent with what is morally right; righteous: a just cause.
3. Properly due or merited: just deserts.
4. Law Valid within the law; lawful: just claims.
5. Suitable or proper in nature; fitting: a just touch of solemnity.
6. Based on fact or sound reason; well-founded: a just appraisal.

Mercy: noun 1. Compassion or forgiveness shown toward someone whom it is within one's power to punish or harm: "the boy was begging for mercy".
An event to be grateful for, esp. because its occurrence prevents something unpleasant or provides relief from suffering.

Humbly: Having or showing a modest or low estimate of one's own importance.
Verb: Lower (someone) in dignity or importance: "I knew he had humbled himself to ask for my help".

I need to be fair when dealing with people. I need to show compassion and forgiveness and I need to make myself less and God more. Wow. I get it now. What a huge task. But that is what God requires of me. Requires. I know that word. I know that meaning. That means its not a choice or something nice I do God demands it. That is what is good. Oh I have such a long way to go.

Lord,
Thank you for loving me in spite of all my failures. Thank you for blessing me when I dont deserve it. God help me to live out Micah 6:8. When I get angry or want to react or judge bring to mind Micah 6:8. Let it always be in the front of my mind. Help me God to do what is required of me. Help me to be less and You more. Please God let people forget me and only remember You. In Jesus name I pray. Amen.


Please friends hold me accountable.

Be blessed

Sunday, November 6, 2011

Vacation Pics

Im just gonna post some more pics. These are from Sea world. I am not coherent enough to blog right now.




















Be blessed

Friday, November 4, 2011

Dear Orphan

This is a great post on a friends blog!


Dear Orphan,

I saw your picture today and heard about your plight. Your face is so beautiful and sad, and it tugs at my heart.


I hear you don't get enough to eat, and that there isn't always medicine if you get sick. You sleep in a room with many children, but you still feel alone.


You have never had anyone wish you a "Happy Birthday", give you a gift, or even sing you a lullaby goodnight. No one has ever told you about Jesus or that He loves you.


I wish we could adopt you, but....

It is such a long way to travel, it would cost so much money, and it involves so much paperwork.
Our home isn't very big, and we already have children. Adding another child to our family would mean they would have to share a bedroom as well as our love and attention.
What if you have health issues or special needs that are not yet diagnosed?
You might have a hard time adjusting to a family after never knowing one, or have "issues" from years of neglect, malnutrition, mistreatment, or abuse.

I'm sorry, it just feels like too much of a risk and sacrifice. Adoption doesn't really feel like our "calling". Maybe there is another family....


Written by Amy B.
http://justamomofseven.blogspot.com/2011/11/i-wish-i-could.html

Be blessed

Thursday, November 3, 2011

Are they all yours?

This is AWESOME! It is from my friends blog It sums up my feelings perfectly. So after reading this I except to not hear "Are they all yours" coming from your mouth, k?! :) Be blessed

Dear Stranger
Dear Stranger,

You made a comment.
What you said makes no sense.

"You have your hands full."
I'd like to make a suggestion... This is a phrase that needs to be eliminated from your vocabulary, never to be used again.


Only exception to this rule ... if a person's hands are ACTUALLY full. Then you are allowed to say it. Then again, I am not sure why you'd want to say it then either. Why would you want to point out such an obvious thing? It's like saying, "You're a girl" or "You have on a dress."


So maybe the real only exception to the rule should be that it needs to be a phrase that is completed such as, "You have your hands full ... let me help you with that."

But I find the phrase is never really used in that context.

So what ARE you trying to say when you say that?

I was at an appointment today. The announcement came on, "Joan Smith to window 2". Joan Smith immediately got up and started walking to window 2. I heard the worker say (in incredulous tones), "You have your hands full." Why? Because the woman had a 3 year old, a 2 year old and was very pregnant.

So exactly, what was the point of saying that? *I* certainly don't know.

I hear it all the time directed at me. And I never know what they mean or why they say it or how I'm supposed to respond.

To me it means: You are in over your head. You have too many children. You look harried and overworked. You look horrible. You don't know what you're doing. Or perhaps it means You are doing something that I could never do. I would never have that many kids.

I can see people saying it if my kids were running around like wild children. Or if they were loud and out of control. Or if I was looking harried and overworked. But no, even sitting nicely, everyone smiling, playing nicely together... they feel the need to say this inane phrase.

I cringe when I hear it. It's quite insulting.

I'm sure you just meant it as an off-handed comment that means nothing to you and you just tossed out this phrase without thinking (which is my point). What you don't understand is that I hear that phrase about 20 times a day. And I don't like it.

Since I don't know what you're trying to say, I find I have no rebuttal that works. I am left to just sit there and give a half smile/half grimmace. ::awkward pause::

To me, it's no different than me pointing out, "You sure have your mouth full" when you take a bite of food.

I hereby request that you and everyone (all 7 billion people in the world) refrain from using that phrase.

Thanks.

P.S. Next phrase I will tackle? "Are they all yours?"

What adoption looks like




Be blessed

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Wrong words


Today I wanted to just do a quick post about words and how they can hurt. When talking about adoption there are certain words that can really sting a little. So I will give you my list and thoughts first then the thoughts of others from other blogs.

"real" parents. When referring to my son's birthfamily we call them by name. I understand that not many people know their names due to privacy. When others refer to my son's birthfamily or birthparents we prefer those terms and not real mom real gma real dad. Saying someone else is Noah's real mom really hurts my feelings and annoys the crap outta me. He is my child. This does not mean we do not acknowledge his birthfamily, we do. We just are very much real people and we have raised our son thus far so don't strip us from the title of mom and dad simple because we didnt birth him and he doesnt have our genes.

"I bet the birthmom was young" or "she must have been on drugs" or "how selfish I could never"
You dont know our situation and you cant even begin to understand what it is like for a person to go through a pregnancy and birth then choose not to parent that child. It is unfair to her, to us and to our child that people would say these things and think them. Our son's birthmom was young, not horribly. I was around the same as when I had my first. She was and never has been on drugs. She is the most selfless person we know. Maybe you couldnt make that decision, maybe I couldnt but keeping a child is selfish doing whats best the child is selfless. Also please dont presume that she decided not to parent because Noah has special needs. In our case that simply isnt true. She had no idea he had trisomy 8.

Also when talking about my kids dont ask me which one or ones are my own. They are all mine.

Also here is what I wrote about last year. The blog post is HERE and here is some of what I said.

Things that are NOT to be Said to People Who Adopt:
1. How much did she/he cost?
2. Why did you go and adopt--couldn't you have your "own" child?
3. Did you buy that baby?
4. Maybe now that you adopted, you'll have "your own" child.
5. She/He looks nothing like either of you.
6. What are you going to do when she/he looks for their birthparent?
7. Do you know her/his "real" parents?
8. I sure hope he/she fits into your family!
9. Why didn't his/her real mom want him/her?
10. Don't even tell him/her they are adopted, they'll never know.
11. Too bad you had to adopt!
12. Whose fault is it you can't get pregnant?
13. You're doing these kids such a favor.
14. S/he is so lucky to have your family instead of his/her own.
15. An older child is damaged goods .
16. She's your daughter?
17. What about your own kids? What do they think about this?
18. She might come from a cursed background.
19. What are you going to do when you have kids of your own?
20. Do you think you love them as much as you could love your real kids?
21. You got kids the easy way you never even had to be pregnant.
22. What if the real parents come back and kidnap them?

he answers to your questions are going to be framed using these basic points about adoption:

Adoption is permanent.
Adoption is a legal change, involving the court.
Adoption is another good way to create a family.
Some aspects of adoption are private.
Most adopted children grow up to be just fine.

The above was from a website adoptioncrossroads.org

Be blessed

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

National Adoption Month


November is national ADOPTION month! How cool is that?! Have you adopted? If not what are you waiting for? It is the most awesome thing that has ever happened to us and I am so grateful. So thankful. What do you say when handed the gift of a human life? Thanks hardly seems like enough.

Adoption completed our family. I cant imagine where we would be right now without our littlest miracle. Noah is so amazing. He inspires me to be great. All my children are unique and bring their own beauty and wonder into our lives, but Noah.....he is extra special. Oh man that sounds horrible, lol. I dont mean it that way. Really.

Noah has Trisomy 8 which unless you are just joining me today you already know this. Trisomy 8 is incompatible with life(so they say). Who in their right mind would adopt a baby with that attached to him?! Well...Paul and I never claimed to be in our right minds :) Sometimes living radically for Jesus means doing something that the world thinks is crazy. Dying on the cross seems crazy but I am so glad Jesus did that for me. Me? I can say that Jesus died for your sins easily but when it comes to me...well I pause. Really? I have a man that loved me so much even though we never met He would lay down His life for me? Thats love. And in some small way I want to do something to please Him. Not because it'll get me into Heaven, but because He's my Papa and I love Him and He ask me to.

But back to my point, adopting a child with a special need or who the doctors say will die at any time seems crazy. I have to say though without Noah we would not be who we are today. Seems like a bold statement but its true. He is amazing. He is everything we have ever wanted and needed without ever knowing we did.

Be blessed

Sunday, October 30, 2011

Quick Request

Woke up this morning to this

Doesnt seem to phase him

Please pray for him too. He has a lot of secretions and a slight cough. If he gets bad I dont want to be stuck in an unfamiliar hospital for goodness knows how long. Also AJ just woke up coughing. Prayers would be appreciated.

Be blessed

Saturday, October 29, 2011

What we take for granted


Tonight while on vacation (I'll post vaca pics soon) I looked over at Noah and Paul handed him a donut. He took the donut put it up to his mouth took a bite and began chewing. I was fascinated and we all were celebrating. As I was watching this unfold I thanked God for having a child that couldnt eat. I know that y'all must think I have lost my mind! Maybe I have. When you have a child who develops typically you rarely notice the same things. At least that is how it was for us. You hand your almost 2yr old kid a mcnugget apple slice and they pick it up put it to their mouths and eat it. No big hurray's or hand claps or way to go's. But for us, for Noah, seeing something like this is magical.

I love that when he does little simple tasks it gets celebrated. I love that when I see him do something like clap, crawl, walk, mimic a word, eat, stand on his toes that we all freak out. I know how hard those simple things are for him and how he was never suppose to even survive let alone do anything.

Now heres where y'all are really gonna think I lost my mind. I think that everyone should have a special needs child. No matter what you say if you have a typical child you have not experienced the joy that the little things bring. You can say you do. First time moms and dads probably say "I celebrate everything! I get what your saying it is awesome when they do that." Seriously though you dont get it. You dragon moms and moms of special kids you get it. I bet y'all are sitting there nodding your head and thinking of a time your child did something "typical" and I bet you have a big ole smile on your face right now.

Tonight will forever be etched into my brain. The night my son picked up a donut put it to his mouth and took a bite. Thank you Jesus for giving me such an awesome child. Thank you for the miracle of eating.

Be blessed

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Breaking Down Stereotypes

Today I decided I needed a day out. I got the kids ready and off we went to Children's Place. The kids were just awesome while we were out. I am so grateful for good kids. I decided we would head over to the second hand store to see if they had anything for the kids.

Got all 5 kids out. 2 in the stroller 3 walking. We walk in and are greeted by 2 older people a man and a woman. They stopped us.

Woman: "Oh wow you have your hands FULL!"

Me: "A little bit"

Woman: "Are they ALL yours?"

Me: "Yup"

Man: "All biological?" (Thats a first!)

Me: "4 are. one is adopted."

Man: "Oh I think thats so good."

Woman: "Which one?"

Me: " You tell me?"

Woman and Man look over all the kids. They tell them to turn around adn look at them. "Hmmmmmm....Her!" They pointed to AJ.

Me: "LOL No. Our son is."

Woman: "Is he the youngest? How long have you had him? Do you know his mom?"

Me: I must be in a good mood because I didnt take offence to not being considered my son's mama. "Yes he is, he's 19 months old. We have had him since he was 3 months old. Yes we all know his birthmom and she is wonderful, we will see her next week in fact."

Woman:"Is she a teenager?"

Me: Sigh..." No...well kind of."

Woman:" so did he just fall into your lap, how did this happen?"

Me: Well when 2 peeople get together...no I didnt say that. Lol. I spoke about how we lost our child is Russia and then found Noah "He's a gladney baby."

Woman: "OH A GLADNEY BABY! Have you been there? Its beautiful. Did you know the girls that are pregnant can live there? Its a wonderful place!"

Me: "Yes we go there quite often."

Man: "How much is it to adopt a child in Russia?"

Me: " 30,000 without travel"

Man:"Oh my goodness...really? That much. WOW!"

Me: "Yep. If it's God's will its God's bill."

The man was talking about that and other things and then he ask why the kids werent in school. I said they were homeschooled and then he said well you must be really really smart. To which I replied, no I just trust God will work it all out and provide for us. He looked at me speechless and then he said

"I am so glad you said that so glad! You are such a wonderful person I dont know you but I know you are."

Then I must have turned my arm a certain way unknowing to me. The man looks at me and says " And you have a tattoo."

The way he said it almost sounded surprising like he was shocked I could be nice, trust God, adopt, have a brood of kids AND have a tattoo. I was fearful of where this may lead but hey not like I havent heard it all before. Then he shocked me. He told me last year when he turned 73 he went and got his first tattoo. LOL

He said he wanted to hug me so I obliged and went on to buy about all the kids clothes they had there as they were 1.00!

What a great day though. People never cease to surprise me. I hope that people who look at me can see this homeschooling, adoptive, tattooed mama can still love Jesus more than life itself.

Be blessed

Thursday, October 20, 2011

Reactive Airway Disease and other stuff

WARNING: This blog is all over the place because 1- I am all over the place right now and 2- it has taken all day to right. Things have happened in between paragraphs so please forgive my crappy blogging today.


Noah was just diagnosed with reactive airway disease. I really have no idea what it is. The doctor said that he is doing well and the Pulm was right to put him on all he did. The allergist added another nose spray to the list of meds and we will go from there.

I havent had time to blog really and even now I dont. Between all the new meds with Noah and dealing with doctors every week, therapists and fighting with the insurance companies plus having severe dehydration and dealing with my own medical issues blogging has really taken a back seat.

So what has been new? Noah is just amazing. He is walking everywhere and long distances. He loves to dance! He loves being outside. He has so much energy! And he absolutely knows and loves his mama!!!

Nutrition therapist just came:
Noah is 23lbs 2 oz and in the 11th% height is 32.6 inches and in the 43rd% He has not gained weight. This is concerning. He is growing but not gaining which isnt good.

Oh this post is taking forever and Im lost so pics???






Videos in next blog.

Be blessed

Thursday, October 6, 2011

Beautiful Letter

This was from a friends blog and she got it from another friend. We have no idea who wrote it but its beautiful.

My dear friend,
I am so sorry for your pain.
Don’t worry; no one else sees it, I promise. To the rest of the world, you’re fine. But when you’ve been there, you can’t miss it.
I see it in your eyes. That awful, combustible mixture of heart-wrenching pain and abject fear. God, I remember the fear.
I see it in the weight of that invisible cloak that you wear. I remember the coarseness of its fabric on my skin. Like raw wool in the middle of the desert. You see, it was mine for a time.

I never would have wanted to pass it on to you, my love. I remember so well suffocating under the weight of it, struggling for breath, fighting to throw it off while wrapping myself in its awful warmth, clutching its worn edges for dear life.
I know that it feels like it’s permanent, fixed. But one day down the line you will wake up and find that you’ve left it next to the bed. Eventually, you’ll hang it in the closet. You’ll visit it now and then. You’ll try it on for size. You’ll run your fingers over the fabric and remember when you lived in it, when it was constant, when you couldn’t take it off and leave it behind. But soon days will go by before you wear it again, then weeks, then months.

I know you are staring down what looks to be an impossibly steep learning curve. I know it looks like an immovable mountain. It is not. I know you don’t believe me, but step by step you will climb until suddenly, without warning, you will look down. You will see how far you’ve come. You’ll breathe. I promise. You might even be able to take in the view.

You will doubt yourself. You won’t trust your instincts right away. You will be afraid that you don’t have the capacity to be what your baby will need you to be. Worse, you’ll think that you don’t even know what he needs you to be. You do. I promise. You will.

When you became a mother, you held that tiny baby in your arms and in an instant your heart filled. You were overwhelmed with love. The kind of love you never expected. The kind that knocks the wind out of you. The kind of all encompassing love that you think couldn’t possibly leave room for any other. But it did.

When your son was born, you looked into those big eyes and he crawled right into your heart. He made room for himself, didn’t he? He carved out a space all his own. Suddenly your heart was just bigger. And then again when your youngest was born. She made herself right at home there too.

That’s how it happens. When you need capacity you find it. Your heart expands. It just does. It’s elastic. I promise.

You are so much stronger than you think you are. Trust me. I know you. I am you.

You will find people in your life who get it and some that don’t. You’ll find some that want to get it and some that never will. You’ll find a closeness with people you never thought you had anything in common with. You’ll find comfort and relief with friends who speak your new language. You’ll find your village.

You’ll change. One day you’ll notice a shift. You’ll realize that certain words have dropped out of your lexicon. The ones you hadn’t ever thought could be hurtful. Dude, that’s retarded. Never again. You won’t laugh at vulnerability. You’ll see the world through a lens of sensitivity. The people around you will notice. You’ll change them too.
You will learn to ask for help. You’ll have to. It won’t be easy. You’ll forget sometimes. Life will remind you.

You will read more than you can process. You’ll buy books that you can’t handle reading. You’ll feel guilty that they’re sitting by the side of the bed unopened. Take small bites. The information isn’t going anywhere. Let your heart heal. It will. Breathe. You can.

You will blame yourself. You’ll think you missed signs you should have seen. You’ll be convinced that you should have known. That you should have somehow gotten help earlier. You couldn’t have known. Don’t let yourself live there for long.

You will dig deep and find reserves of energy you never would have believed you had. You will run on adrenaline and crash into dreamless sleep. But you will come through it. I swear, you will. You will find a rhythm.
You will neglect yourself. You will suddenly realize that you haven’t stopped moving. You’ve missed the gym. You’ve taken care of everyone but you. You will forget how important it is to take care of yourself. Listen to me. If you hear nothing else, hear this. You MUST take care of yourself. You are no use to anyone unless you are healthy. I mean that holistically, my friend. HEALTHY. Nourished, rested, soul-fed. Your children deserve that example.

A friend will force you to take a walk. You will go outside. You will look at the sky. Follow the clouds upward. Try to find where they end. You’ll need that. You’ll need the air. You’ll need to remember how small we all really are.
You will question your faith. Or find it. Maybe both.
You will never, ever take progress for granted. Every milestone met, no matter what the timing, will be cause for celebration. Every baby step will be a quantum leap. You will find the people who understand that. You will revel in their support and love and shared excitement.

You will encounter people who care for your child in ways that restore your faith in humanity. You will cherish the teachers and therapists and caregivers who see past your child’s challenges and who truly understand his strengths. They will feel like family.

You will examine and re-examine every one of your own insecurities. You will recognize some of your child’s challenges as your own. You will get to know yourself as you get to know your child. You will look to the tools you have used to mitigate your own challenges. You will share them. You will both be better for it.

You will come to understand that there are gifts in all of this. Tolerance, compassion, understanding. Precious, life altering gifts.

You will worry about your other children. You will feel like you’re not giving them enough time. You will find the time. Yes, you will. No, really. You will. You will discover that the time that means something to them is not big. It’s not a trip to the circus. It doesn’t involve planning. It’s free. You will forget the dog and pony shows. Instead, you will find fifteen minutes before bed. You will close the door. You will sit on the floor. You’ll play Barbies with your daughter or Legos with your son. You’ll talk. You’ll listen. You’ll listen some more. You’ll start to believe they’ll be OK. And they will. You will be a better parent for all of it.
You will find the tools that you need. You will take bits and pieces of different theories and practices. You’ll talk to parents and doctors and therapists. You’ll take something from each of them. You’ll even find value in those you don’t agree with at all. Sometimes the most. From the scraps that you gather, you will start to build your child’s quilt. A little of this, a little of that, a lot of love.
You will speak hesitantly at first, but you’ll find your voice. You will come to see that no one knows your child better than you do. You will respectfully listen to the experts in each field. You will value their experience and their knowledge. But you will ultimately remember that while they are the experts in science, you are the expert in your child.

You will think you can’t handle it. You will be wrong.

This is not an easy road, but its rewards are tremendous. It’s joys are the very sweetest of life’s nectar. You will drink them in and taste and smell and feel every last drop of them.

You will be OK.

You will help your sweet boy be far better than OK. You will show him boundless love. He will know that he is accepted and cherished and celebrated for every last morsel of who he is. He will know that his Mama’s there at every turn. He will believe in himself as you believe in him. He will astound you. Over and over and over again. He will teach you far more than you teach him. He will fly.

You will be OK.

And I will be here for you. Every step of the way.


Be blessed

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Swallow Study

Today I got up at the break of dawn and got Noah in the car to head to Dallas. Honestly I hate driving to Dallas. Its better doctors so that is why I go but really really hate the drive. Today it took...hmm...90 minutes I would say. Traffic is always horrible and then there is construction which throws off my gps so its a whole boat load of fun. :)


We get there and hurry up and wait. Story of everyones lives huh, just hurry up to do everything we do just to wait. Anyways, I put a mask on Noah. I do not need him catching something and being in the hospital. When we registered he was coughing. The lady registering him looks at me and says "How long has he had that!" I said since birth! He has a cough its his thing he isnt sick. People assume. I hate that. I hate when people turn away when he coughs thinking he is sick, I hate when people look at me like I am horrible and starving him to death because I dont order him food. People dont assume! Ask! And ask nicely not in a judging way. You dont know all the details.

Then we got moved from one waiting area to another there was a little boy there. I heard his mom talking to the dr about his gtube. That opened up conversation for us. He was 11 and there with his twin brother. The boy was in a wheelchair and not mobile. Pretty much non verbal too. I hate to say that though because I heard him "speak". You could tell what he wanted and what mood he was in. Noah went right over to him tried to move his wheelchair outta the way so he could play. I told him not too but the boys mom said Noah was fine. The boy loved watching Noah and Noah was laughing at what the boy and his brother were doing. Then the boy reaches over and takes off Noahs mask. LOL. He didnt look like he could control his movements enough to do that. His mom hollered at him but I told her it was fine. Noah was very appreciative of the kid taking his mask off bc he hated it on. I loved watching them play together. Noah inspected every part of the wheel chair, he was so curious. I am hoping my children will be very tolerant of other people especially ones with special needs. Right now it is all they know really.

So we get back there and get suited up. There are about 6 of us or so. Noah is the center of attention. The one specialist gets the food and begins to feed him. Yeah right! Noah looks at her like, "Woman you arent getting anywhere near me with that!" I laughed out loud at his expression. She gave it 2 mins or less and said "Mom you do it!" Then I began to try. He was a tough sell but I managed to get a couple bites in there. It was bite 42 pictures lots of chatting back and forth, make him look here, wild noises trying to get him to look, hold his hand down, more crazy noises, lots of people talking, next bite 42 pictures and it all starts again. I tried to bring calm to the storm and started singing itsy bitsy while I was feeding him. Seemed to work great for getting him to look, not so much for getting him to eat.

What we learned was his anatomy was better today than last study. So what does that mean. Everything works so no answers as to why he wont allow it to work.

Great. Really I am ok with it. He will eat when God wants him to and until then we will just deal with this.

Be blessed

Thursday, September 29, 2011

Cuteness

Noah is just too cute. He walked into my bedroom grabbed my pillow and laid down on the floor and fell asleep.



Yesterday he was in a mood all day. Not a bad one really. He is hysterical with the faces he makes. His PT held up two balls and ask him to pick one. He looked at her with this ornery grin on his face and said "No." HAHAHAHA He shook his head and said No. She didnt know what to do. He worked with her for a few minutes but almost the whole time he would just sit there content to do nothing saying No. LOL. Hes too cute!

Be blessed

Monday, September 26, 2011

Noah Noah Noah

What is going on with Noah?

He is now walking 95% of the time. Yay!!!
He loves to give kisses and hugs. (Especially if it gets him out of therapy)
He is very very smart. When I say one he says two. Guess he hears me counting to 3 with his ornery sisters haha.

Last week he had a scope. The results came back normal. Then the biopsies came back normal. Everything she checked for came back as he didnt have it. That is good, but at the same time it leaves us with a blank look on our face and us scratching our heads. Why will Noah not eat?

Next Wednesday he has a swallow study. We are hoping that will show something. Everything in me knows this isnt a behavior thing. He acts like it is really painful. He braces himself when you touch his face or sternum. His ST noticed this as well. She will be at the study with us which is good. In the meantime the doctors have now agreed he does need to be on a certain drug. At first they all said no because it would be cruel to induce hunger if he cant physically eat but they say since nothing shows anything they are willing to try it. It is an antihistamine. The side effect other than drowsiness is it induces hunger. The dr will start it out very slow. So we will see how it works. I think that this could possibly be due to horrible allergies. I dont know though. Paul will be picking up the RX tonight so we will just have to see.

On a side note I found out today that I am one of 30 finalists for a Women Move the World contest. I have to fill out some papers and then I will receive a flip video camera and then if I win the contest (no chance) I would get 5 days and 4 nights in LA. The winner gets a behind the scenes on a commercial and possible doing and ad or commercial for Caltrate. Its all just weird. Lol. Im honored but dumbfounded how it all happened. I hope that this can bring awareness to Special needs, kids with Trisomys and adoption.

Ok so soon I will be posting pictures of Noah up here. I have been lazy and only taking them with my phone but have no idea how to post them on here. I will make an effort to get my camera out and capture some cuteness. :)

Be blessed

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

No news

We got up at 6am and got everyone ready, packed our bags, lunches made, car checked, kids in car seats and out the door. We headed 90 mins away. Surprisingly enough I didnt get lost. However I did have a stomach ache the whole way there.

AJ didnt have to pee until 5 minutes before we arrived. I held her off until we pulled in the parking lot but by then she was making some faces and pleading with me. lol. I grabbed the on the go potty stuck it on the ground, no time for the bags and let her go. Then I threw water on it and the potty and we were ready to head in.

It was a nice facility. They gave us a portable dvd player and let the girls pick out a movie. They picked Toy Story 2. So we headed into our first room. It was huge and very private. It was the only room that had a door rather than curtain. We stayed in there awhile. Some nurses and drs came and went then it was time to move to the other room.

We werent in there even a minute before the nurse came in and said its time. I carried Noah into a room down the hall. I ask to change his diaper so he wouldnt be wet and uncomfortable. I cleaned his face and walked over to the room changed his diaper and they out the mask on. The room was all orange, orange lights, hanging basketballs from the ceiling. He fought the gas mask for a couple seconds, I think it was the smell. I sang to him and made sure he could see him. I touched his hands. I sang his song. You know the toby mac n Jaime Grace song I love the way You hold me. Well we changed the words to say I love my little Noby. I think it fits. I feel this crazy world is gonna bring me down That’s when Your smile comes around Ooh, I love my little Nobys By my side You’ll always be You take each and every day Make it special in some way I love my little Nobys In my arms youll always be You take each and every day Make it special in some way I love You more than the words in my brain can express I can’t imagine even loving You less Oh, I love my little Noby. See how it fits.

Anyways he was out and I walked out, crying. It doesnt ever get any easier. We have done this way too many times to count. It was over in a matter of minutes I think. The doctor came in and told me everything looked good. Thats good I guess but doesnt solve our problems. She said biopsies will be back in 3 days and they may tell us. I hate that he went through this and we have no answers. I dont want anything bad to be shown but I want answers. The doctor said that she was going to be very methodical and get to the bottom of this. I know she will.

Noah woke up like he was late for a very important meeting. He got up threw the covers off, stood up, fell down slapped people away, got back up, fell back down, refused to let me get him hooked up to take some liquid. It was funny. We got out of the hospital pretty quick.

I only got lost 2x on the way back home. We made good time. When we got home I got Noah fed and meds given. Then the therapist called. As I was talking to her Noah was playing and he pushed over the vacuum. It fell and lid up his belly. I knew...instantly I knew. I ran over while on the phone still lifted up his shirt and saw the gtube and groovy tubie laying on the floor, balloon inflated and all. I then looked over and milk is spraying out of the huge hole in my babys belly. I screamed into the phone"S***!!!!!" I am not proud, it is what it is, it just came out. I hung up the phone dialed Paul and put him on speaker.

From there while holding my hand over his belly I screamed for Trin to get the syringe upstairs that I needed to deflate and inflate the balloon. I called for Cherry to get an empty cup and cup of water. I deflated the balloon got the lube(screaming wheres the KY JELLY WHERE IS IT??? Sorry neighbors) put it on there and then tried to put the tube back in but it didnt fit. I screamed for Trin to grab the new button. She brought it and after applying pressure I got it in there. It took about 15 mins to stop shaking. I ask Noah how many gray hairs and wrinkles he gave mommy and how he owed me a kiss and he crawled over and kissed me and then I said I needed one more and he did, lol.

Now lets get to some cuteness to make us all smile :)






Be blessed

Monday, September 19, 2011

Frustrated

I am not frustrated at anyone but myself. Noah has some awesome doctors, but all roads still lead to possible surgery and the surgery is one that he should have had at 6m old with the gtube placement but they said was unnecessary.

After talking to Dr Whitney, Noah's amazing GI, I feel better. We talked about the drug Pulm suggested that would induce hunger and she said the same as Dr. Sparry his awesome ST at the hosp. They both agreed (which is probably why I didnt get a Rx for it from Pulm) that it would be hurtful and mean to give Noah a drug to induce hunger and him not be able to eat.

I poured out my heart and honest feelings to Dr. Whitney. I told her I caused this. If its reflux and he wasnt on reflux meds because we had determined it wasnt reflux in Pgh and the meds were harming him, then it was all my fault! She said, "Its not your fault. Believe me, I would be honest and tell you if you caused this. GI is constantly changing and I dont believe for one second that Noah has had this exact problem before." I let out a huge sigh of relief. But part of me is still uneasy. I dont want to let anyone down, especially Noah. I dont like the idea of more surgeries, more meds, more side effects. Its all a lot to process. I had the child who was doing fantastic. Now regressing.

The regression is probably the hardest thing for me to deal with. When Noah was not eating and not walking and not meeting milestones and vomiting all day everyday it was what it was. I was okay with that I guess because it wasnt any different. When he met a new milestone we celebrated even more. It would all work out. But having him almost ready to get rid of the gtube to go completely back by like a year, that...that was hard. Dont get me wrong and think I am complaining. I am not. I have my child here with me and I dont care about the rest as long as he is here with me. I am just saying that is honestly a hard pill to swallow.

I do want to share that the therapist say that Noah's mind is all there(doesnt matter to us but good to know). They are amazed all that he understands. This makes me smile big! People always assume that kids with trisomys are dumb or can't understand anything. Noah is here to prove that stereotype wrong. When he is doing something he knows he isnt suppose to he gives us a look and does it anyway. He understands which remote plays his favorite song. He knows how to turn things on and off. He understands when we tell him no and when we talk to him. He is super smart :) Can you tell we are a little proud of our boy.

Anyways I have a lot to get done before tomorrow. But will update as soon as I know something. Please pray that they figure out what is causing this.

Be blessed

Sunday, September 18, 2011

So much going on.

I have sat down to write several times and always an interruption. Let's see what to say?

Noah hasnt eaten by mouth in 2 months.

He has lost a pound.

The drs are concerned, therapists are concerned.

I took him to his GI and we love her. She is on top of things. The dr says he needs another scope. He will be scoped Tuesday.

New Pulm dr has him on inhaler and breathing treatments. The thinking is less secretions(possibly allergy related) the better his chance of accepting food.

So we need a swallow study as well. Nothing really is gonna happen until after tuesday. This is just a starting point.

I have a lot going on so I need to go. Will update again soon.

Be blessed

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Sister's in the Hospital

To check out how the fam is doing right now head over to http://blog.beckfamily143.com/

Cherry is in the hospital.

be blessed

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Ugliness of Adoption

I have found that judgement seems to be so easy for anyone you hasnt adopted or isnt in the adoption scene. Why? I read a hateful blog where the people who started the blog would go into adoption forums and steal what others said post them on the blog then totally tear those people apart. They are very anti adoption and it is apparent. They dont understand RAD, they dont understand dying rooms or mental institutions, they cant see past their own hatred for all things adoption related. They criticize the way we speak, the actions we do, the discipline ideas we have and call us ungrateful and kidnappers. If they could only see the babies starving to death in Russia, China, Bulgaria, etc. If they only understood foster care and all the kids there. Its sad and they are pathetic for what they say and how they treat people.

But it isnt just these anti adoption people its APs and people in the adoption circles that think they know what is best for everyones family and so people who have to disrupt their adoption are criticized and ostracized and made to feel awful about what they have done although they are probably worse on themselves. When we(APs) say what kind of methods we use for discipline then someone tells us how cruel we are and how we dont appreciate the gift given and maybe we (APs) shouldnt have done this to begin with. Or when we talk about how tired we are and how sick of hospital stays we are or anything medical related we hear it then too. "Well you ask for this life!" Yes we did but that doesnt make it easy. Does that mean because we ask for it we are not allowed to have support?

So what do we do? We keep our mouths shut and suffer in silence. We dare not say a word and when we speak about adoption we only speak about saving a life, how happy we are they are home, how wonderful our life is and how everything is peaches and cream. Then more orphans will be saved, right? Or is it more orphans will be displaced because someone thought it was all roses and went and adopted a SN child they werent ready for and 6 months later they are shipping them back or advertising on craigslist "child free to good home".

We need to talk about all aspects of adoption. Adoption is rooted in loss and we need to remember that. We need to not make promises to birthmoms we cant or wont or dont have any intention on keeping just so we can get our hands on their babies. We need to open up the secret world of baby brokering and bribes and scandal in other countries ,as well as our own, so that we can expose them and fix them. We need to tattle on the adoption agencies scamming people and hurting kids. We need support and we need to support others. We need to give grace. We need to remember what it was like when we went through it. We need to be allowed to speak freely about the ups and downs of adoptions so that in the end the child will be saved. In the Bible it says "And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love." We need to love one another because we all have faults, "for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God"(romans 3:23). We need to pray for one another and lift each other up.

Be blessed

Sunday, September 11, 2011

9-11

I could tell yall what I was doing 10 years ago today. I could tell you how I felt that day and the weeks and months to follow. I could tell you how how this impacted my life. I probably did all that last September 11th. What I want to do today is talk about today and our future.

You know the Bible says we are not guaranteed tomorrow.

James 4:14
New International Version (NIV)
14 Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes.

Proverbs 27

1 Do not boast about tomorrow,
for you do not know what a day may bring.

Because we are not guaranteed tomorrow we should make sure to live each day with purpose. Today, on the 10 year anniversary of the most horrible American tragedy in my lifetime so far, I think it would be a good day to understand that we really don't know what tomorrow will bring. So we should answer God's call today.

I am not going to tell you that God doesnt call everyone to adopt, because I would be lying. I believe there is no calling but rather us choosing to obey or not obey. Does this mean that you who have not adopted have not obeyed....short answer yes. The Bible is clear. James 1:27 is just one verse related to orphans. Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.

I am going to tell you as much as I know about a little girl who is called Lyla. This is what is wriiten by RR :

Girl, born November 2009
Lilianna survived!! She had an adoptive family previously, but they were not permitted to adopt her at the time because she was in the hospital and not expected to live. But she DID! We are thrilled she is healthy enough to be relisted!

Sweet little Lilianna has a congenital heart defect (ASD and VSD) and possible pulmonary issues. She is also missing her left forearm entirely. Lilianna has bright blue eyes and needs a family right away. We have many pictures of her!

This is what is written by the family that wanted to adopt her:

On May 17, 2010 I found the most Beautiful Little Girl on Reece's Rainbow and I knew with all of my heart and soul I was her MOM!!! I would do whatever it would take to bring this precious princess home!! On June 8, 2010 our family committed to this little girl with Down syndrome listed as Lilianna.We decided we wanted to name this sweet little girl LYLA and our blog would be titled
"Lucky to Love Lyla"!!
As a family we were so excited to bring this little girl home! We had so many plans for her and for us as a soon to be complete family. We had thought she would probably be home in November and since her birthday was in November it all made perfect sense.

On September 9, 2010 we received an e/m from Andrea at Reece's Rainbow that Lyla was very ill. She was in the hospital and they were not sure if she would SURVIVE. Our World Crumbled!!!!! On September 29, 2010 we found out that we would NOT be able to bring her home. She was too sick and it was thought that her next home would be HEAVEN. Our hearts were in a million pieces and I just wanted to get on a plane and be there for her, by her side, loving her until she went to HEAVEN!!!! I remember feeling responsible that I had PRAYED so many times for her to come HOME but that GOD must of misunderstood what "home" I meant - I did NOT mean with HIM - I meant With US!!!! So we had to decide what we would do. It was our plan to adopt another little girl with Down syndrome and return in the Spring if Lyla survived to bring her finally home!! There was no way I could choose another child. No way. I had stayed up all night just starring at all the beautiful children needing a family and it was impossible. So when Dave woke up that morning, I told him he had to do it!!! And he sure did!!!! We were so BLESSED to adopt Isabelle December 30, 2010 and bring her home January 2011. There is no question about it that LYLA SAVED BELLE &
Lyla also SAVED me. In December A family that was adopting from the same orphanage as Lyla had asked the caregivers about her while they were there. They were told that she was critical and she would be going to HEAVEN very soon. I had PRAYED that JESUS would just take her HOME as she has obviously suffered enough. This poor sweet little girl, she had turned 1 and was as tiny as a newborn. I believed it was time for the suffering to STOP!!!!

We were a very happy family of 8 - we were all head over heals in LOVE with Belle!!! And we couldn't imagine life with out her. But it never was far from our HEARTS knowing that if it wasn't for Lyla - Belle wouldn't be here. Lyla was always on my mind and in my HEART.

So Spring came and I contacted Reece's Rainbow but they had not had an update on Lyla! So we waited and then May came around again and I had the crazy obsession that we needed to adopt again, another little girl with Down syndrome from Ukraine. So we asked about Lyla and still no update.

I grieved the loss of Lyla as I was sure she was in HEAVEN. I mean how could she of survived??? It was almost unbearable to let her go!!! But I did!

In June I was scrolling Reece's Rainbow and I found a little girl listed as Macie. We committed to her on June 8, 2011. (The same day last year we committed to Lyla). Macie was adopted by a family outside of Reece's Rainbow so we needed to make a choice. Maybe if we had waited.........Well, I could maybe all day and night. Anyways, we decided to continue with an adoption of a little girl with Down syndrome. But I couldn't choose - No Way!!!! So I again, left it up to Dave. He chose a BOY!!!! Oh my, I didn't see that coming. A beautiful little boy who coincidentally was in the same orphanage that Lyla had lived. I did not tell Dave that it was the same orphanage, he had no idea. We committed to Gavin on June 25, 2011 and we were all so excited to bring home a little boy!

July 28, 2011 I received word from Andrea (RR) of an absolute MIRACLE!!!! Lyla was ALIVE and able to be ADOPTED!!!! The beautiful little girl that I LOVED with all my heart and SOUL and GRIEVED the Loss of was ALIVE!!!! Oh MY!!!! I couldn't Believe it!!! How in the world did she SURVIVE. She is obviously a FIGHTER and SHE OBVIOUSLY Didn't GIVE UP. Sadly, I had given up on her!!! How could I??? I had promised that I would do whatever it would take to bring her home!!! I promised to FIGHT for her!!! I know it probably seems obvious that we should just adopt Lyla while adopting Gavin. Especially since they are in the same orphanage!! But it is NOT that easy. We can NOT adopt another child. We just Can NOT!!! So do we turn our back on Gavin??? That doesn't make any sense either. We are all heartbroken and so TORN!!! We are over the moon GRATEFUL that she is ALIVE. As this is the most important part of all of this!!! It's not about us - I know!! It is about HER!!! But I am sick with GUILT - How do I turn my back on the ONE person that SAVED ME and more importantly SAVED my Beautiful Daughter Belle????? Oh Friends - We need Help with this one for sure!!!!So what will we do?????
Well, We will FIND her a FAMILY!!! We will advocate for her like crazy!!! I will BEG all of you to please do the same!!! PLEASE??? Blog about her, Facebook about her, Twitter about her, tell everyone you know about the little Miracle Girl who is simply meant to do BEAUTIFUL things in this world. She has done so much already - and she has done these things living in an orphanage and ICU!!! Imagine what she will do when she is in the home of a LOVING FAMILY?????? Oh My!!!! Just HUGE!!!!
Oh Please, Please, Please GOD
Find Her a Forever Family


This family loves Lyla. They also know that she was put on their hearts and in their minds to save another child, their Bellie. I feel for them. I understand a bit of what they are going through seeing as 2 children saved Noah.

So I am asking you to search your hearts. I am asking you to pray. Ask God what He would have you do with the life He has given you. We are all here for a reason, for a purpose greater than this world. Dont talk to me about excuses ok, Im not listening. Money? Itll get paid. I just dont want to hear you arent called. Adopting a child isnt a call its a command. You either chose to obey or you dont. If you feel like the Lord is leading you or even if you dont try at least try. You will never know the miracles God can do until you welcome His little children in His name.


Lord, please find Lyla a home and a family that she so richly deserves. Please find Faith and Diana homes as well. I want every child to have a home, every orphan to be cared for and every person out there to shut up about how they cant do it. But Lord not my will but Yours be done. Set people on fire for adoption, for special needs, for children Lord. Lord bring our next child to us God, let us know exactly who we are to adopt, exactly who our next son is. Thank you for loving me in spite of my faults, thank you for loving these children more than any of us every could. Heal them and please God dont let them die alone. In Jesus name. Amen


If you want to chat with me about Lyla or other kids needing homes, how to adopt or anything really feel free to leave a comment or email me at ashleelinnea at gmail dot com. Please pray Lyla will find her forever family.

Be blessed

Monday, September 5, 2011

The horrible, no good, very bad day!

Or should I say weekend. Sigh.

Saturday morning at 3am my husband left for Pa. He was taking my gram back to her home, driving 21 hours! After they left I couldnt really sleep so I was hoping the kids would sleep in, they didnt. As early as 8am they were up fighting screaming crying and just being generally unpleasant. So yup thats how it started. The day is really a blur now, I think I blocked it out. I remember cleaning up p**p off of the floor in the bathroom though. We stayed in the house, doors shut and locks blinds drawn all day.

I could barely walk I was in so much pain from lifting too much weight. Then on top of that I had horrible kidney pain. I was a hot mess. I couldnt bend my legs or get comfortable for anything. I ask for prayer and took some pain pills and God got me through the rest of the day.

Later that night we had a sleepover. We started off the night by making t shirts. That was actually fun! After that we headed out back for a few quick pics. Then we made popcorn and watched a movie. It wasnt all bad.

Sunday I had to get everyone up early for church, but they all slept in. They cant seem to do that during a weekday or a Saturday, haha. AJ had peed on the floor then slipped in it but I didnt know that because I was in the bathroom trying to get ready. Then I walk out into the hall and tramp in the same pee. Ugh! I get everyone dressed, fed and ready to head out the door and just as we were leaving Noah puked everywhere. Grrr. So I got him cleaned up and changed and off we headed.

Church was great. Not only was it a great message and great worship but also a reprieve from the kids. Just me and a bunch of adults. That was nice. After church I felt so good I took the kids to Mexican Inn. We got a table and it all seemed to be going well. Noah had 2 crayons and while I was taking a picture he put the crayons and his whole fist in the salsa. Fun! After dinner AJ threw a huge fit and screamed while we were leaving the place.

We got home and I had them lay down to watch a movie so I could get some stuff done. I had to feed Noah. Then I left him sit for awhile so it settled in his stomach. I ran tot he bathroom as I had been holding it awhile and as soon as I hit I heard something.....then screams "MOM!! MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMM!" Then AJ came running in, "Mom, Noah spit."

Ok I thought I can handle this. I did this morning. So I got up and went to see and low and behold...vomit covered the majority of the livingroom. How on earth?! It was on the top of his head clear to his toes. All over the seat, all over the floor, just all over. It had to be his whole 8oz feed easy, but man did it look like 16 oz or more! I got so mad, my flesh is weak. I had to remember, look it isnt him doing this to be mean to you. He cant help it. So I got him undressed and ran the chair outside and it leaked vomit the whole way to the door. Gag. Then I got him in the tub for a quick bath. Then I had to try to mop up the carpet with paper towels because we have no rug scrubber. That didnt work too well. By the time everything was cleaned up it was bed time and I had had enough.

Monday was pretty much of the same, more vomit, more problems, more crap. I called the GI doctor, but they werent in because it was a holiday. Fun! So the on call doctor called me back and let me just tell you..he was an a**. Excuse my language. He told me what my problem was, no good Ped that knew everything about Trisomy 8. (Sorry dork but there is none) Then I told him we were trying to find a good ped but couldnt due to having medicaid as a secondary and we dont vax. Thats all it took. He then decided he wasnt going to help but belittle me and my convictions. He told me that when the great measles outbreak occurs in the very near future my son would be dead thanks to my uneducated convictions. (Like the great swine flu outbreak?) I told him that wasnt the issue, the issue was vomit, now help. He rambled on for another 5 mins or so and then I said my peace. I ask again, what can we do to help this right now. Then I proceeded to interrupt him every time he mentioned vaccines. Finally he said the secretions were causing the vomit bc of his hyper active gag. Ok, great, thank you, now who do I see about secretions...vax, vax, vax, dude shut up about the vaccines and name a dr. vax vax vax, ENOUGH! Dr name right now anus! ENT. Thank you Goodbye!

What a dork. I mean I was seriously ticked off after that call. had I been a man I doubt he would have spoke to me like that. We had the feeding pump break and a horrible dme to deal with right after and I was spent! Paul walked through the door and I collapsed in his arms. All was better. I rested there for a minute and got calm. The DME finally showed up and we got Noah eating.


So all in all the weekend was horrible! I am grateful it is over. Looking forward to not reliving that.


Just writing it all down made me exhausted, Ill post pictures another time but dont worry I will leave the vomit ones out :)
Be blessed

Saturday, September 3, 2011

18 months ago today

My son was born 18 months ago today and I didnt even know it. How many moms can say that haha. You know the women that say they never knew they were pregnant? I think I got them beat.

Noah is just thriving. He is amazing. Talking more, laughing more, walking more making funny faces. Just a typical awesome little guy. He really does just light up our lives.

Oh Noah does the cutest thing! He loves the song by Will I am called What I am, sesame st version. Now Noah has leaned to drum during the drumming parts. It is too stinkin cute. Paul got a video of it not sure if I did or not but when I do I will post.

There is little that Noah isnt doing, but one major thing is he still wont eat. Please continue to pray that he does.

So anyways to celebrate 18 months we got all dressed up to play. Take a look...







Be blessed

Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Leaps and Bounds

Noah is just doing so much. We can feel y'alls prayers. Right now as I type this he is playing catch with his dad. He is saying "catch", its too cute. Paul ask Noah to bring him the ball. So Noah crawled really fast over to the ball and threw it and then crawled back to his dad. He did this about 5x without ever giving his dad the ball. Then he turnes around and begins huffing really loud like he is out of breath and then laughing. He is a hoot in a half, that boy!

In the month of his not eating his words have flourished. The therapist will disagree with me but she doesnt see him all day everyday. Noah is a stinker, he tends to not show off for anyone which is I guess a good thing except maybe with therapy. He calls for Trin, his big sister. "TRISH!" he screams, lol. He said Charidy. He says ball, no and rawr. He can mimic people as well with words like soft and good. He finds so much joy in everything. Lately he is all smiles and laughs all the time. He giggles a giggle that is so infectious.

Yesterday we had a major milestone. He put food in his mouth on his own. Praise the Lord! I couldnt believe it.

Today in therapy he allowed the ST to work in his mouth. That was good. No vomit for the last few days. Too cool. I think our month is over, finally! Thank you all who continue to hols our family, especially our son up in prayer. We love you all and appreciate the prayers.

I have to say that there is such joy in our home. Our children just fill our lives with such happiness, as well as messes and everything else but really they are so joyful here. Texas sure feels like home. It feels as though we have finally arrived home. We all feel more at peace. We have a joy thats unspeakable and we like it!

(This is AJ's new thing. When we ask her something and she says she doesnt know we get this face)
Be blessed Y'all!