"Not flesh of my flesh, Nor bone of my bone, But still miraculously my own. Never forget for a single minute,
You didn't grow under my heart - but in it"

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Crazy Busy!

Busy isnt even the word.

I have not forgotten that yesterday was our Gotchaversary, I had a blog I planned to write but those plans fell through. We celebrated four months home with 2 jars of baby food! Thats right folks Noah ATE!!! For those of you thinking I am just a crazy new mom let me tell you, Noah doesnt eat and this is HUGE!! Those of you following our journey you know what I am talking about. I am so happy I could spit. (I have no idea where that phrase came from or even how it applies to happiness..hmmm)

Today Noah and I headed to Childrens Hospital about 630am. Big thanks to gma for coming to watch the 4 sleeping children so I didnt have to deal with cranky tired whining and my kids ;) He had a feeding study, they may have found one issue. He was diagnosed with a cleft palate...did you scroll up to look at his beautiful face to see if he had one? Apparently they can have internal clefts as well as external and yeap you guessed it Noahs is internal. After the study we got more appointments and a plan of action and another clinic to go to. When that was done we headed down to the other end of the hospital for Noah's g-tube to get cauterized. He had some graniuls growing and it needed taken care of. This was his body's way of rejecting the tube and trying to push it out. They say it was nothing we did. He did great and off we went.

At this point I was just tired not feeling rushed or anything. I went and actually got to get my hair trimmed. I came home and mommy duties resumed. I then spent the rest of the day jumping from call to call to call about Noah's insurance and why we dont have it yet and oh the mess. If he doesnt have his insurance he doesnt get his feeding tube supplies. We then got verification of the insurance we think but the place doesnt take it so we need to find another place to get the medical supplies from that take his insurance.

This brought me right up to where my husband calls...his bus was a no show! WHAT!! So the next one comes and he flagged him down and the driver refuses to pick him up he looked at my husband and shook his head no! Are you kidding me, we have church tonight and I have the gym and oh what a mess. So four buses later he is finally on one and I have to go pick him up miles from home. Kids need fed, clothed and I need to make snacks for church and get us all ready to go way earlier than planned.

So dinner.... This is where you give me the mom of the year award ;)

1 multi grain wrap
2 cheese stix
2 tbs sauce
16 pieces of pepperoni

Spray both sides with cooking spray. Put in oven on 370 for 5 mins take out and add sauce, cheese stix and pepperoni, back in oven 8-10 more min and serve.

Its good, except I have recently discovered(the hard way) that I have a dairy allergy. I didnt eat. I grabbed the kids covered in sauce, oh what a brilliant idea, threw them in the car in pjs and threw a bunch of clothes and shoes in there and went to pick up their dad. I was late. No 3 hrs at the gym for me. I dropped the gang off at church and headed to the gym for 30 mins, hey it was better than nothing. My routine is tan, pee, workout, pee, massage, leave. I skipped the tan and headed to the bathroom. Apparently I was still moving at 100 mph in my head because when I went to wipe I wasnt yet finished peeing and peed all over my hand. Perfect end to a perfect day. :)

Here are some videos of Noah enjoying his first 2 jars of baby food.

Be blessed.

Sunday, September 26, 2010

Next Sunday

I am so excited to announce that Sunday October 3rd at 11am Noah will be dedicated.We are very excited. Noah's foster mama will be there and his grandparents and great gma.We were hoping his birthmama would be here with us too but we are not sure she will be able to make it. After the service we are going to have a Steeler dedication Party. It is going to be great.

Be blessed

Saturday, September 25, 2010


Be blessed

Update on Yulia!

Please go HERE and read the miracle. No she does not have her family, yet, but this is huge! I pray God will move you to act! Lets get this baby to her parents!

Be blessed

Friday, September 24, 2010

GABES Chemo Duck

I have a friend with a child battling cancer. She has been in this fight since she was 18 months old. She is 11 now. Please pray for her. Her name is Michaela. Michaela and her family are helping with a fundraiser. I thought we all could help. I believe the fundraiser information is HERE so if you can help with that great! I am sure there is a way to donate online.

Also check this out!! Click HERE to watch a video about a great therapeutic device for kids. It is a Chemo Duck. You can click HERE to read about the chemo duck story and also just check out the website. This is a stuffed duck that has a lot of the things that a child with cancer has like a medi port and other things. They say it has actually made kids less fearful isnt that wonderful! Well we can support them by adopting a duck for kids that have cancer.

Please prayerfully consider supporting a child with cancer.

Thanks so much!

Be blessed

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

You have to read this

Please go to this moms blog HERE and read THIS

Spread the word, spread the wealth if you can, pray,love. Please.

Be blessed

How Great How Awesome is He!

Today has been great!

The kids and I went to Mom2Mom at our church. It was my first time going and I really had a great time. The kids loved it too. While I was there we were to get into small groups and talk about feeling words and anything else that came up. The group I was in had about 10 women in it and 4 of the women were adoptive moms. The one woman sitting next to me had adopted her last child a baby boy from Russia just a few months ago. I couldnt believe it. Out of everyone in that room, maybe 30-40 women I was in the group with all the AP's. I dont know how it came up but I was telling them about our adoption journey, some were moved to tears. I never mind sharing our journey. I hope it brings more people to Christ and more orphans to their families.

You know the car shut off on me 3x while getting to the Mom2MOM group, satan really didnt want me there!

After I got out I got a text from Paul telling me he got the job he was interviewing at! PTL!!! That would have been great news in itself but God went a step further and revealed His plan to us. While Paul was talking to the guy interviewing him he was ask about free time...lol..with 5 kids! Ha! The guy ask the ages and then ask..."are you done now?" Paul told him he didnt know. God called us to adopt our last and maybe we would do that again. That opened up a whole new conversation on adoption expenses. Paul told him about our story and he said he was going to call his wife and then call Gladney and adopt! PTL!!! I just feel like Paul lost his job so an orphan could find their family. He said it was totally worth it then and I said always!

God is so awesome! I am continually amazed by my Father. I shouldnt be because after all He told me He would never leave or forsake me and that I would be blessed and that He would set the lonely in families. He has never once let me down, yet over and over again he has proven Himself to me. I hope I am making Him proud.

Be blessed!

When the righteous see God in action
they'll laugh, they'll sing,
they'll laugh and sing for joy.
Sing hymns to God;
all heaven, sing out;
clear the way for the coming of Cloud-Rider.
Enjoy God,
cheer when you see him!

Father of orphans,
champion of widows,
is God in his holy house.
God makes homes for the homeless,
leads prisoners to freedom,
but leaves rebels to rot in hell.
Psalm 68:3-6 the message

Monday, September 20, 2010

Delayed? Not in the area of Speech!

Thats right folks, our lil wee man said Dada yesterday at church. I have been trying to get him to say mama for some time now. Imagine my surprise and disbelief when I hear "dada dada dada dada." I did almost cry though. He said his first words. A child that was suppose to be a vegetable said his first words. I am beyond amazed at not only him but at God who heals my baby more each day. Thank you Jesus.

Be blessed

Saturday, September 18, 2010

Welcome Fall!

Welcome Fall Oh how I love you! I love your colors so warm and bright. I love your smell of crispness and pumpkin and cider. I love your cool days and chilly nights so I can cuddle up in a warm blanket with my babies. I love the food we get only in the fall. I love E V E R Y T H I N G about fall! Its my favorite.

Today we celebrated fall with a fall photo shoot of the kids. In my head it went so well, I saw me calm, relaxed and beautiful cooperative children and the end result would be priceless. Well...I have a two year old so things didnt exactly go as planned. I will say though the end result after 4 motrin (for me not the kids) is priceless. Check em out!

Happy Fall and Be Blessed!!

Friday, September 17, 2010

Noah's doing GRRREAT!

Every therapist that has seen Noah since his surgery says he is doing so much better. In two weeks since they have seen him he is doing a lot of new things. He now loves to babble all the time. He laughs all day, way more than he ever did before. He is talking to me and Paul right now. Lol. He now weighs 15lbs 4oz a one pound gain since his surgery. That is always good to hear.

I will leave you with a few cute videos!

Be blessed

Thursday, September 16, 2010


I am so excited! Noah's birthmom emailed. Days like today are my favorite. I love hearing from her! She is just an amazing person and we love her so much! I told Noah we got emails from her and he started smiling then I said, Noah ****** is coming to see you! Yes she is ****** is coming to play with you and she loves you so much! He got so excited! I want to get him on video with me telling him and send it to her.

We are having Noah dedicated on Oct 3rd and we are so pleased that his foster mama and birth mama are coming in to be here on this very special day. Without both of those women my son would not have life. There is not a day that goes by that I do not think of them, pray for them or thank God for them and the gift they gave me.

We live in such a self serving and self centered society. Roe vs Wade gave women the choice that if they got pregnant they could just "get rid of it". Noah's birthmom was given that choice but yet she chose life. That had to be hard. To be so young and take on this huge responsibility. To stop being a child and start making adult decisions. To decide that she would withstand the ridicule so her son might have life, that amazes me how selfless she is.

Then you have his foster mother and her family. They chose to live out James 1:27 (Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.) They put their needs aside and said, how can we help? Can you imagine? Both women mothers and taking a child and then giving him to a stranger. First his birthmom carries him for nearly 10 months, going to drs visits, hearing his heartbeat, throwing up, walking slower, gaining weight, swelling, then enduring painful labor and delivering this child all for someone else. She feeds him and dresses him and holds him one last time. Then his foster mom who takes him home from the hospital and shows him love feeds him, gets up with him in the night, changes him, takes him to his drs appointments, fights for him when she knows something medically is wrong, wills him to live when things look like the he may not make it through the night, spends days with him in the nicu never leaving him, having him and loving him almost 3 months all this to hand him to a person she never met and hope for the best.

Then I am suppose to bring him home, forget his story, love him like he was always mine and send 5 pictures and a letter every 3 months to birthmom and maybe a christmas card the first year to the foster mom. Seriously? Noway, like it or not I am not going away Im gonna be like a fly on poo with them. They have a friend for life and I wont let them be. Each of them in separate but special ways gave my son life and I am forever grateful. I love them both like they are family, to me they are family. I am so glad God brought them into my life. I just cant express how much I love them.

I hope this is the first of many visits and we can bond together as a family and be there for one another. Each of us has a lot to learn from the others. We are 3 generations of women with such a special bond, we have a son together.

I absolutely can not wait to see them. I can not wait for them to meet our family and friends and our other children. We talk about them everyday. There is no Noah with out Nancy and birthmom.

I pray that all who have adopted and can be in contact with their babys birthmoms will be in contact with them. Remember their sacrifice, remember their hearts, treat them with the love that God has shown us because without birthmoms we would not have our children.

The two women that gave my baby life, his birthmom and his foster mom. Birthmoms face and name are blurred for her privacy.

Born on the same day 11 years apart now we share more than a birthday we share a son.

Be blessed.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Bundie Bunny

Noah got a gtube bunny. It is little and cute. It came with a book that talked about how the bunny was tiny and needed extra nourishment and will soon be bigger like all the other bunnies thanks to his g tube. Its adorable!

Look at that child! Is he not perfect! I love him more each day. I am so grateful to be his mama. Its true what they say about parents of special needs kids, they never wish it was different. There are no regrets I am so glad he is my son. Thank you Lord and thank you Noah's birthmom. What a gift.

Be blessed

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Sock Monkey Obsession!

A few days ago we went to visit Gramma. While there she gave Noah a sock monkey her and her late cousin and friend made together. Well he has just attached himself to that thing like nothing I have ever seen.

I think the monkey tells him jokes because anytime his monkey is around he is giggling and just having a good ole time.

He also sleeps with his monkey. I watch him very carefully and have tried to tear the eyes off and they wont come off. Gram says I need to cut them off but I havent had a chance and they are on there so well that I dont think they will come off right now. He bites his monkeys head ear and arm and holds him by his ears and holds his hand. He loves him. They have a bond, a boy and his monkey. :)

Everyday he gets better and better and stronger too. he is still tiny although in the pictures he looks big. His is growing though, I can tell. Yes he is getting too big for his bassinet but since the surgery I wanted him in our room just for the first week so he will be going back to his crib soon.

Sunday, September 12, 2010

Out and About

Today we went out with Noah. It has been the first time since the hospital. We went to church. Paul packed everything he thought we would need. He put the ferral valve in the bookbag and we carried that with him so all you saw was a foot of tubing. A lot of people noticed at church but were so nice about it. One mom told her son, look he has a mickey button too. We got to talking and exchanged numbers. She knew just from the tubing that he had one. Her son has had one for 2 years. I looked at it and it wasnt scary.

He refused to eat his 2nd feeding of the day so instead of our normal fighting we just put it in the tube and ran the pump. We werent even at home. It was kinda cool being able to feed him out and about and not have to fight and further traumatize him and I. He didnt want to take his 3 rd but after more persuading on Paul's part he got him to take it by mouth, that was good. He is back to his old self only growing more. We have to see when we take him for a weight check but I can tell he is thriving this way.

He is such a happy delightful baby. We are so blessed to have him in our lives. I would not change a thing about him.

Noah's birth dad emailed us and thanked us for the pictures and update we sent him via email the other day. Today Noah's birth mom emailed us. She is so sweet. I love that we are getting closer and closer to her. I love the relationship we have with his birth parents and foster parents. The more people that love Noah the better. I was thinking about the show Teen Mom and the girl Catelynn that gave her baby up. It took so much courage and strength to do what she and Noah's birthmom did. They are a breed all of their own. What strong selfless women birthmothers are. I am too selfish to do what they did. I really am just touched by them. seems like catelynn and Tylers adoptive parents for their daughter Carly only do what is mandated by the adoption. I would just stress that if adopted a child and can, make a lasting lifelong relationship with your childs first family. This is so beneficial. I could not imagine only giving our son's birthparents 5 pictures every 3 months for a year then 5 pictures once a year til age 5. Noway! They get emails and pictures every week. I love them and hope they know that. I care about what happens to them and hope and pray they know Jesus and we pray for them. They are wonderful people.

Anyways I will leave you with a video I took of Noah tonight. 10 mins! Geeze, you would think I am a crazy first time mom that tapes the baby sleeping and swinging every blessed second, lol. He was being a ham so I just couldnt resist. Watch it if you want, or dont. Oh also if you wanna check out some cute short videos of a couple other munchkins check out our family blog HERE.

(If video doesn't work check back. Its being slow)

Be blessed!

Only had to call the doctor 2x

Noah's first night home I only had to call the hospital twice. Nothing horrible or anything just couldnt get the right amount on the pump. He tolerated it very well and slept the whole night. When we all woke up he had peed through his clothes and the sheets and the bed. He is peeing a lot. We are going through diapers like crazy over here! He also needs some button down outfits. Because of his tube that he has to have 24/7 for the first month at least it has become very difficult to put pants on him. He may need the bag longer too but at least a month.

This morning we had wonderful guests, our neighbors. They came to see how Noah was doing and bless their hearts they brought 4 new button down outfits and pack of diapers. See God is always faithful. He sees a need and fills it. How awesome is He? Kloves encouraging word today was Isiah 65:24 Before they call I will answer;while they are still speaking I will hear. You know we can always take God at His word. It is amazing to me to have a Father who never lies, never abandons, never forsakes and always is there, always loves and always forgives. If you dont have a relationship with Him you should. Just pray..Lord forgive my sins and come into my heart and life today. Amen. It wont always be easy but it will always be worth it.

Noah is tolerating his feedings so far very well other than the 52 diaper changes an hour, ok so its not that many, but still. We are slowly getting use to all that needs done in a day for Noah. It is different. I can honestly say my stomach only hurts at a 5 pain rate every time I look or think or feel or touch his mic-key button, before it was a 10 though so we are moving up.

be blessed

Saturday, September 11, 2010

Never Forget

Where was I 9 years ago today? I was giving my beautiful only daughter a bath. The phone rang so I scooped her chunky 7 month old body up out of the tub and wrapped her in a warm green towel. I carried her down the hall talking and laughing with her. I can still remember the hard floor and how it felt walking down the hall. I turned into the bedroom and picked up the phone. It was Paul. He ask if I saw what happened? I said no. I turned on the tv. At this point it was just an accident, probably a tired pilot who lost control or fell asleep, that is until I saw the second plane. "There is another plane?!" "what?" "It is really low...oh..oh my...oh God no! No, no no! Lord!"

My naked baby was playing on the floor. I just watched a plane fly into a building, the people on the news went nuts. 2 planes? That can not be an accident. Whats going on? I don't remember how long Paul and I were on the phone but we talked on and off all day. I dont remember when I first heard the words "terror attack." But I do remember falling on my face and crying out to Jesus. "Is this the end, Lord? Will it hurt? Please God keep us safe, be with those people, get them out safe. Lord, what about Trinity, shes just a baby, she has her whole life God. Please spare us. Let my husband come home to me tonight God, please." I remember seeing people jumping from the buildings on the news, no one knew what it was until it was already aired on the tv. It was horrific. I will not forget those images. The buses had stopped, the planes had stopped and I had no idea what was happening. I was just so scared. I held my baby and cried for hours. I remember in the aftermath the sound outside, it was eery silence.
I questioned if Jesus had come back and I ddidnt get to go. I would look for my daughter. If she was still here then it wasnt the rapture...right? It was just so horrible and tragic that I didnt think that it could ever happen not to us, not before Jesus came.

I have forgotten a lot over the years and usually when I am in a highly emotional state I lose my memory, probably a coping mechanism I picked up as a child. I remember everything from that day 9 years ago. I will never forget.

So on this day of remembering remember those who died. Remember their families, remember the ones it left orphaned and widowed. Remember and pray. While you are remembering and praying please pray for THIS FAMILY their child they plan to adopt is in the hospital and it does not look good. Lift them up please. God is bigger.

Be blessed

Friday, September 10, 2010

The lighter side of g tubes

I saw that video and Paul and I laughed so hard. It is good to laugh, to see the lighter side of the tube. All we are seeing is redness and soreness and a fussier than normal baby. Dont get me wrong he is a trooper. It's more me and Paul that are whining and fussy and tired and red. Lol. His mic key button is red which they say is normal, but it makes my stomach hurt. Then there is the matter of dressing him. Thats fun. He has this ferral bag attached 24/7. So we have to watch that with clothes. I dont want it to be pulled or too tight. We ran out of button down one piece outfits since he has peed through everything the past few days.

We got all his medical supplies delivered. Then a home care nurse came over to fill out more paperwork and answer any questions. She didnt know anything about the pump we got, but lucky for me they sent a lady to the hospital to teach me and I picked it up quickly so I showed her and Paul. I dont blame her for not knowing, they change technology so much. She was very nice to us and Noah. I hope this doesnt sound bad but Noah kept staring and staring at her with like a puzzled look on his face and I wondered, has he ever seen a black person before?

Tonight was a good night so far. I am super exhausted. Dinner was late, bedtime was pushed back bathtime was a bust but kids are healthy, fed, taken care of and loved. So all in all a good night! Noah is back in our room in his bassinet and he is getting too big for it, I see that now. I just dont want him to roll or tangle on all these tubes.

He has a bunny with a g tube coming in the mail to him. I wanted him to have something that had a tube like him so he could relate and not feel different. I also plan to make him a doll like in the video above. It will be for the girls mainly so they dont think it is some weird boo boo that Noah has but rather just treat it for what it is another way to eat. The doll will take about 3 months to make because that is how long it will take to get all the extra parts we will need. I doubt that Paul will let him play with "dolls" so that is why he is getting the bunny. The place I got the bunny from also sell clothes for all different special needs. I didnt think we would need any clothes to be different but for as long as he has the bag we will need mainly button down one piece outfits, we dont have many of those so we will have to make due.

I am going to put up some pictures and hopefully a video or two but for now I am hoping to sleep uninterrupted for the first time in a week. I have shoots all day tomorrow so maybe Sunday they will get done, we will see. Thank you all again for the prayers.

Goodnight and Be blessed


This post was written by another AP. You can read her journey HERE

Sweet Olga has gone to live with Jesus. She was a precious little girl who lived in the same orphanage as Matthew and Michael. She was transferred out of the baby house to an institution due to her age and lived only a few short weeks once there. Please, please pray for the kids left behind and especially those who are fixing to be transferred. Their lives depend on it. Dance with Jesus sweet Olga, dance with Jesus!

I wanted you all to read that post from that mother so you know that this happens..a lot in fact. It is heartbreaking. We all need to remember what God's Word tells us to do. We must care for the orphans, widows and fatherless. If not this happens! We can't sit by in our comfy life pretending that we dont see, pretending that we arent called because that is bull! We are all called. God didnt say some of us out here care for the widows, orphans and fatherless. You know this world reminds me of that song If we are the body by Casting Crowns.It makes me MAD!

But if we are the Body
Why aren't His arms reaching
Why aren't His hands healing
Why aren't His words teaching
And if we are the Body
Why aren't His feet going
Why is His love not showing them there is a way
There is a way

WHY ARENT WE? Prayer is great but why wont we move?! Why wont we do?! Faith without works is dead right?! C'mon! People are dying! We need to go to the hospitals and hold the babies, go to the store and buy backpacks and fill them and give them, go to the orphanages in the other countries and hold the babies, love the babies! Play! Talk to a widow! Feed the homeless. LOVE! LOVE! Why wont we move? Because were comfortable! God please dont make us uncomfortable. Ill go on a missions trip to the Bahamas but not to Africa, too many bugs and what I would see there would be uncomfortable to look at!

We need to Wake up! We are in the end of days and Jesus IS coming soon. When He comes and we say, well I started a ministry to help orphans, we never did anything but it was started and the name looks good. Or I started a ministry to help people but the building I wanted it in never came up for sale so we just couldnt do it anywhere else or how about. I really wanted to but didnt have the money?! Or time. Maybe after we are out of debt, yeah, or when the kids are older so we do not deprive them.

There are babies on this floor of the hospital we are on right now that have not had anyone come to visit this whole week, not even mom and dad. The nurses say no one ever comes. But forget about them because we have more important things to do we have to save for retirement and take the girls to ballet and the boys to soccer. Now is not the time to hold babies now is the time for my own kids and those parents should hold their own babies!

Im not sitting here writing this saying I am perfect, I am guilty of this myself. I want to be comfortable just like the rest of us. I want to hold my own babies and stay in my warm house and not go to some cold and distant dirty place to hold stinky babies that droll everywhere. Yuck. But maybe I should get over that so Jesus is proud of me. So that people see Jesus in me and not this world.

Be blessed

Thursday, September 9, 2010

Another day same hospital.

I havent seen my other four children since Monday. I miss them. I feel like something less than human. I feel like I smell. This room that I thought was so big has become all of a sudden so small. I don't know how the "lifers" here do it. I guess they do it the same way I do, because we have to, because my child needs me.

I took a shower and shaved and washed my hair and brushed my teeth and put on deodorant and clean clothes. I put things away in drawers and cupboards. I feel like I dont give off the impression that I am a homeless person quite so much,lol. The kids just came in so we are off to a good day. Not so lonely. I will write more when I can.

Be blessed

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

training day

Noah woke up happy and bubbly. The surgeons woke us all up at 7am making their rounds. I was embarrassed because I was still in bed and in my pajamas when they came in. Every doctor and nurse that has come in here today says Noah is their favorite and doesnt even look like he had surgery yesterday. Yesterday? Was it really only yesterday? Feels like a week ago.

We had one on one training today on how to use the feeding tube. I wasnt expecting all of what they said Noah needed and broke down in tears part way through the session. I felt stupid. The woman ask if I needed her to slow down, if I didnt understand then she said, did you not know about these tubes. I shook my head no I didnt. Paul held me as I was feeling very overwhelmed and emotional. I felt like it was a death sentence for Noah. By the end of the session I felt like it was going to be the best thing for all of us.

We practiced all day on a doll with a mic-key button. I only got fake stomach juice and formula on me a few times. I felt ok touching the button and tubes on the doll but somehow I think it will be a little more difficult with Noah.

Paul left and will be back later tonight. Noah and I took a walk around a little and out to the beautiful healing garden on the roof. We went to the library and then came back and watched spongebob.

The kids are at home and they are doing well but I miss them so much. We will be here until at least Friday now and thats if everything goes really well. Tonight at 6pm Noah got his first tube feeding, first time he has eaten in 48 hours. They started with pedalite. They have him on 10cc an hour. That is very very slow. He will get 100cc and it will run from 6pm-6am. 12 hours for an ounce of water, yuck! My poor boy. Tomorrow Noah will get formula at 9am. They have a plan set out for us. He will get 4 feeds during the day and then be fed from 9pm-7am by his pump. Also anything he doesnt take by bottle during the day after 15 mins of sucking he needs put in the feeding tube and fed over 30 minutes. I really hope I can get all of this down. It is a lot. I am feeling a bit raw right now. Unfortunately raw and being bored has left me with sitting here eating all day. Yuck! Nothing even good.

Noah is doing well today. He is sleeping now and eating at the same time...weird! LOL. Thank you all for your prayers.

Be blessed

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Rough Day

Noah has had a rough day to put it mildly.He is sleeping again. He wakes to cry and then goes back to sleep. I held him because I missed him so much but when I held him he could only tolerate a few minutes before he screamed in pain. Every time he moved I had this tightness in my chest. I was so afraid of all the stuff everywhere. How am I going to do this?

He was so desperate to eat and I was so upset. They gave us these lemon flavored swabs. He devoured them. Then started screaming again. He was hurting so much. What could I do. After that he started gagging and choking on his spit. I went and got the nurse and they didnt do anything. Nothing to do they say. Im not mad at them. They are caring for him and doing a good job. I'm mostly mad at me. I hate that I did this to him. He was screaming louder and I tried his Woody doll and touching him, holding him didnt work hours earlier I sure wasnt going to do that again. I didnt want to inflict any more pain. I love my wee man so much.

I was draped over his crib in tears when Breana walked in. What timing. It was nice having a friend here. I am so glad to have her in my life. I finally picked him up and we sat and talked while Noah looked at the balloon she got him. He was laying on my lap. Noah was quiet and happy, he cooed. Thank you Lord. Breana kept my mind off of things and really helped me relax. We were having a good time when the nurse came in and emptied Noahs stomach bag. I thought I would throw up. I had to turn away, hold my ear and keep Breana talking so I didnt hear a thing. Drained it right into a cup. Oh I could vomit! How can I do this?

Noah then began to cry and get really uncomfortable after I moved him just a little. So I put him back in his bed and shook the bed a little to make vibrations on him. That is what got him to sleep.

You know I keep saying I cant do this or how am I going to do this but then I look over at that crib and see my son in there. My son. Not someone elses child, I am not his nurse or nanny I am his mama and that is how I am going to have to do this. God is just going to have to help me out.

Pray for a quick recovery and no pain for him.

Be blessed

Post op

The surgeon came in and sat with me in the waiting room and told me if he wakes up it went perfect. He woke up.

No one could have prepared me to see my baby boy after surgery. I walked into the room and lost it. I was standing only because God was holding me up under my arms. He had an iv and the iv arm was bandaged to his elbow, the feeding tube was huge I thought and had 2 stitches holding it in and a tube coming out of that had a bag attached to it with contained stomach stuff, yuck. He had his belly button all taped up. There was dried blood on his fingers and wrist and around the button. There was a nurse in the room. I didnt want to blubber but I couldnt hold it in, everything came out. She ask me if I wanted to hold him and I was terrified I would hurt him. I sat down and was handed my baby. That was when I just couldnt deal. The tears came and there was no hiding it. I had baptized my baby in tears.

Thoughts were rushing through my mind and I blurted out, I shouldnt have done this, what have I done I am so so sorry. The nurse was kind. She told me that in a few days Noah wouldnt even know he had a button. I dont believe her. I continued to cry all over Noah and then I felt something I havent felt in a long time. I felt my Daddy with His arms around me and Noah holding us and we both breathed very easily and peacefully and the tears stopped and there was calm. Oh how He loves me. Why I dont know but He does. I stayed there in His arms at peace and Noah slept quietly and comfortably. He stopped fussing and we were both safe in the arms of Jesus.

After about 15 minutes I had to put Noah in his crib so we could wheel him up to his room. We got in his room and everyone has been very nice. I ran down to buy food vouchers and now can have food delivered to my room so I never have to leave him. The couch turns into two full size beds. When we got up here Noah started to wake up screaming every 5 minutes like clockwork. I felt so bad, I didnt know how to help so I sang to him. He calmed down hearing worship songs so I turned on klove on my computer and he didnt wake up screaming anymore. He in fact is still sleeping peacefully. He even let me cover him with the blanket.

for they(His Word) are life to those who find them
and health to a man's whole body.
Proverbs 4:22

Be blessed


Surgery Day

Wake up 5am
Can't find anything I need.
Leave frustrated and late at 540am
Arrive at 605am (yes I booked it, although I am not admitting to breaking any laws)
They get us back fairly quickly and then they ask if the adoption is final to which I reply no. That was the beginning of the almost end. The paper I have saying I can allow the surgery is not here...where is it...home, but where? Husband spends 2 hours looking for it after failed fax attempts an email and phone attachment finally a successful fax. They have the paper. The nurse asks if I am who I say I am and before I answer she says if not just lie to me please, lol.
8:38am Noah is wheeled down the long hall me crying uncontrollably in front of everyone right behind him. Surgery should take an hour to hour and a half.

Here I sit and wait. On the tv is Steven Hawkins talking about how "unnecessary God is". How sad. I am so glad I have a God who loves me, so happy I have hope. Hope that even though I am sad and may look alone I have a God sitting next to me waiting with me and a God that is in there guiding the surgeons hands and who is playing with Noah in his dreams. Thank you Lord for being here with us. I know that Noah will be okay I trust God's word and am standing on the promises of my Savior. Thank you all for the prayers. I feel them. Please continue to pray for Noah and his birthparents and doctors and our family. Pray for a speedy recovery. Thank you so much.

I will post videos in a few days or so.

Be blessed

Monday, September 6, 2010

The night before surgery

Tomorrow at 6am Noah and I will be at Children's Hospital where he will undergo surgery to have a g-tube or mic-key button put in. My mind isnt really here to blog right now, sorry.
Pre surgery belly

Last night I dreamt about the surgery. IDuring the surgery I went out and had a girls out with a bunch of friends while he was staying in the hospital. When I finally acknowledged him he had tubes hanging everywhere and the machines started going off and I didnt know what to do. I woke up and the alarms in my dream were going off while I was awake, it was a stupid car alarm that went off for 3 hours!! I am not sure what this dream means but I know for sure that I will not be leaving my son's side the entire time we are there.

Nancy helped with a list on what to take, most of which I hadnt though of. Thanks Nancy. What would I do without her. I have all my snacks packed and ready to go I need to pack a few bottles of water and the laptop and the camera and video camera. I have to find his seahorse so he can take it into surgery and I am packing his blanket he sleeps with every night.I am going to take him in his pajamas.

I am so not ready for this. I can not even let myself go to tomorrow morning or the days that follow. I have so many questions. They wouldnt answer them when I scheduled. I will get to talk to the surgeon tomorrow. I hate that I have to do this on my own. I want someone to be there for me, but I know that is not possible. it would be selfish of me to get the whole family up at 4 or 5am to make the trip to the hospital and sit for hours or days. I dont know if Paul will be able to visit Noah in the hospital because we only have one car but we both need to learn how to care for Noah. I just dont know what to do. But I am trusting in God's word that all things work together for the good of those who love God. I also know that God will never leave me nor forsake me, so even though physically I may be by myself truly I am not alone. God will be there pacing the floors with me, He will be holding me and holding Noah. I can always count on my Daddy!

Tonight we are givin extra lovins, like the boy doesnt get enough,lol. Noah wont go to his crib right away but rather stay in our arms for a little longer. He and his Dad are watching a christian movie called FIND ME about geocaching. You should see them, too cute. I think I will go spend some time with my boys.

Please if you find time say a prayer for us. Pray for Noah and his doctors and surgeons and nurses. Pray for his birthmom and birthdad as they worry and can not be here to hold our child or hear the doctors words or see in the flesh that he is ok. Pray for his foster family as they worry and wait for the calls too. Pray for our girls to be ok and Paul as they wait to hear as well. Also keep a family friend in mind going thru a rough period, pray for strength and healing in the marriage.

Thank you.

Be blessed

Friday, September 3, 2010

Half a year old! WARNING Picture Loaded!

Happy Half year birthday wee man!

Wow 6 months old. Can you believe that? My little guy has been outside in this world for 6 months. It can't be so.

This was the month that was going to be the hardest for me. The month when I knew he woulds certainly fall below way below other children his age. The month I would realize he had special needs, yet here I sit smiling and watching my baby grab his feet and chew on them.

He is such a happy baby. Noah is rolling over all over the place. I told Paul he must think he is a shark because if he stops moving he must think he would die. The kids is go go go all the time. He scoots when he is on his back using his feet only and ends up across the room from where you sat him at. He plays very nicely in his jumper and can stand it now for longer periods of time. Noah loves his bouncer and kicks and plays as long as he is in it. He loves reaching for toys and my face and smacking it. He also head butts. That could be a stimming behavior but it may just be boy behavior lol. Noah also tries to blow in our faces like we blow in his and he makes kissing noises and has definitely found his tongue. He sticks it out a lot.

I do worry now anytime he is active because the therapist have labeled it "stimming" so at time I try to apply pressure to his shoulders like they said to do or hold him and try to get him to stop. I have never had a child do this so at first it was cute now that they read into it so am I and I dont like that. I should, we should, just let the kid be a kid.

Noah is still the best sleeper around and I couldnt ask for a better baby. He barely does his fisting anymore unless he is startled. His hands are open just like all other babies.

He went to the drs today and they stuck a camera up his nose, that went over real well!(please note sarcasm) I didnt know they were going to do that. They said his voice box and adenoids and all that inside stuff looked normal. Yay! They couldnt get him to eat for all the screaming and well because he doesnt like to eat. So now he has to have another test and drink barium. That will be in a few weeks, I still have to schedule it. The hospital called and said he needs to sign in for surgery for his feeding tube, which doctors confirmed today as a must, at 6 am on Tuesday morning. Lovely. Early early day for the wee man and me.

The best thing that happened today was birthmom sent us an email. We love her so much. She is doing so well too! What an inspiration that girl is!! Anyways I hope you enjoy all the pictures I took tonight of my little 6 month old prince.

Be blessed