"Not flesh of my flesh, Nor bone of my bone, But still miraculously my own. Never forget for a single minute,
You didn't grow under my heart - but in it"

Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Another Day Another Doctor.

Today we woke up early and headed back to Children's Hospital. We have been spending our days there.Going to the 3rd floor is difficult because of the kids I see there. I dont really want to see any other floors. Today I met such a beautiful mom. I wish so much I could remember her name. Her son S had been taken back for an MRI at 8am. When we met it was 11am. She was so worried that when she ask about him or when we spoke she could hardly get the words out without almost crying. She was holding back. I know all to well about holding back. She would start to sound like she was going to cry and pause take a breath and start talking again. Her baby who is 2.5 was going to surgery and no one had told her. She knew of the surgery but thought she would be near him before hand. I ask her tactfully (I hope) what her son had. She said a whole list of medical terms that made my head spin. What I got was, trach, cleft palette, feeding tube, non verbal but signs, 3 holes in his heart, cognitively on track. I ask about CHARGE because it sounded a lot like a fellow bloggers son she said they tested him for that and so far nothing has come back. They say it may have been just a complete fluke. Well folks we all know God doesnt do fluke! So lets pray together for S and his mama, daddy and sister. Pray for a complete healing and for God to be glorified in this situation.

Noah continues to lose weight(wish I could!) and so they brought up the dreaded f word (no not that one)..feeding tube. Today we spent 5 hours in the hospital. He had an echo and ekg and then the dr looked at him, heart is fine, YAY!!! Then they squeezed us in for an ultrasound of his liver which took a while. We were there so long and my poor little failure to thrive hadnt eaten since 8pm yesterday. Thats a way to get him to gain weight, right? Poor guy. They finished the u/s and said 2 days we would have to wait to get the results. Ugh. I can deal with a lot but please God dont make me deal with the C word. I wont survive.

So right now we are outside covered in blankets, yes it is that cold here! Noah has 3 blankets on. Ok so maybe I am a little cautious. He sneezed like 5x today and a kid sat beside me at the hospital and coughed! Yes I know I sound silly.

In all seriousness, I'm exhausted. Oh Lord give me strength. As long as I can keep my boy I will endure all things for him, isnt that what love is? I wish others could understand. I can't call people or visit people and I dont have time to do as much as before because I am at that hospital day in and day out. Im not asking for much but cut me just a little slack in why I have not called anything. I dont need fights started. I need support. Guess sometimes that is too much to ask for.

Anyways, be blessed friends. I know I am seriously lacking in the picture department on this blog and will remedy that soon. Have a great night.

Monday, June 28, 2010

One month Gotcha-versary!!!

I cant believe it has been a month. Some days it feels as if Noah has always been here and always been mine. Other days it seems like yesterday his birthmom handed him to me and said "Here is your son." Beautiful words were never spoken.

I had this big idea to get a cupcake and a candle and sing Happy Gotcha day to him but time got away from us and our little miracle fell asleep. He had a long day again. We spent most of the day at Childrens Hospital again this week. Tomorrow we will be there again and then one more time on Wednesday.

I can't really reflect on his gotcha day because today I am focused on Noah and his doctors. They found a mass on his liver. No one can say yet what it is, but Wednesday they will do an ultrasound. The GI doctor told us Noah lost weight and is now labeled as Failure to Thrive. We discussed our options, add rice cereal to his bottles or put in a feeding tube. We are trying very hard to avoid a feeding tube. Tomorrow we have to get an echo done and an ekg and see the cardiologist. Hopefully no bad news.

Sorry this post sucks, its late I have to get back to work and all I want to do is sleep. I know that all too soon I will have to get up and take Noah back to the hospital. I already put a request in for my own personal parking space at the hospital, they said they would look into it. :)

Be blessed

Sunday, June 27, 2010

2 months ago today

Two months ago on April 27th we were told about a baby who needed a mommy and daddy and boy did this mommy and daddy need this baby. I can't believe it. I just stand in awe of my beautiful Savior and His awesomeness.

I remember thinking this is too good to be true. There could be no possible way we could have a baby and this fast. I thought about how I would react when they told me he wasnt ours. I tried to picture that and to prepare myself for bad news but part of me couldn't. I was just so excited at the possibility. Some people were concerned. They thought it was too fast and too easy. They said I should not change the nursery or buy anything and I should definitely not get excited! It was too late though, I was excited. I was excited and hopeful. What was wrong with that? I had thought long and hard about what they said, but then I realized that it isnt in my nature to be that way. When I got pregnant I told everyone immediately. I bought bibs and blankets, toys and clothes. Even after losing a baby I still did that every time. I get excited. Why would this be any different, how could I not get excited after all we went through. If this child was not meant to be God would still fulfill his promise and we would have a child.

When this baby boys caseworker called and said she was sending the profile to the birthmother I got a little sick. Every few minutes I would think of something I could have said better or another picture I could have added. I thought about how one friend told me to say I had tattoos and one friend was very upset I said that in my letter to the baby's mom. I thought what if the way I worded it made it sound like I was like that lizard man covered in a full body tattoo with stuff bulging out of my skin and a cut tongue. God quickly and quietly brought me back down and simple said that no matter what I did or did not say His will was already done and if this child was ours he would be. I took great comfort in that. I had peace within me for the first time in a long time during this whole process.

The birthmother had 3 weeks to make a decision. Waiting was so not my thing. She got the profiles on Friday before Mothers day, Monday after mothers day we got the call. We were having a boy! I could not believe it. We later found out it took Noah's mom 10 minutes to decide we were his parents. I look back on that day and the post I made and think about how great and sometimes sneaky our God is. These were the prayers I ask for:

That the money will all be there. ANSWERED

That God's will would be done in this situation. ANSWERED

Pray for strength for the birth family, that they will make the right decision and feel a sense of peace knowing their son is in good hands. ANSWERED

Pray for a miracle in this child's life and health. That whomever are his parents that they would bond quickly with one another and have a wonderful life together. ANSWERED

We ask that you pray God would give us strength. Strength to continue on this roller coaster of a journey. That he would not let us get discouraged or hurt in this process. And pray that God would bring us our child, soon. ANSWERED, ANSWERED, ANSWERED

Wow, how cool is that!

I really just cant believe my life.

Be blessed!

Friday, June 25, 2010

Conversion in a department store

Today Gram and I and 4 of the 5 kids went shopping. Gram was so excited to show off our little boy her very first great grandson so she tells EVERYONE about him and his adoption. Here is a bit of what I heard today

Gram: (looks at stranger) This is my first great grandson, Hes adopted!

Stranger: oh thats nice

Gram:(at new stranger)hes adopted. our first boy.

Now times that by 55. LOL! I am glad we never had any intention of keeping the adoption a secret.
I really dont mind. I love talking about our journey and how great God is. Well the one woman she talked to wanted to know more. I spoke about our journey and about Noah's first parents and his foster parents both of which we are forever grateful to. I also spoke on Russian and Ukraine practices. To make a very long story short she took down agency names and numbers and decided to call and become a foster parent. How awesome it that!

I pray that anyone who reads this would pray and search their hearts..Are you doing what God called us all to do? James 1:27 Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.

Will you finally do what God wants after all look at all He did for you.

Be blessed

Thursday, June 24, 2010

More Doctors

Today Noah and I went back to Children's Hospital. It is such a wonderful hospital, the staff is amazing and it is really geared for kids. Today it was grape elevator to the cow. I kid you not thats how they said it, haha. Past the alligator right of the sea pod down the hall to the elephant, haha. Anyways today was genetics. They looked at him and measured everything.

A couple things concerned me

1. No weight gain
(children with chromosome problems do not gain weight or height like other children. There is a very real chance Noah will be tiny.)

2. Large liver?
(She thought she felt that it was a bit on the larger side. She didnt seem overly concerned though.)

So other than those two things everything she said and did I understood and they were all so compassionate. They want us to see a cardiologist and definitely the GI doctor. The doctor also said Noah was tongue tied and his tongue was larger than normal. Noah had some issues feeding this morning but by the end of the night he had mastered all his problems and even took a full 6 oz formula bottle. He has never done that for us. He was a bit fussy tonight but I think that is from being passed around and held so much today.

All in all everyone agrees that our beautiful little boy is just doing amazing!

Be blessed

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Baby Doah!(As AJ lovingly calls him)

Today we heard from Noah's birthmom. I was relieved. I know some people dont ever want to have contact with their childs family but for me its different. I think it is because I didnt ever know my birthfather and grew up in a bunch of different homes. Growing up I was teased a lot for not having a father. It seems so common now that maybe that doesnt happen. When I was 27 I remember meeting my paternal grandmother and seeing that I had her hands and for the first time I didnt have that huge hole, that missing link. I was whole.

So I am looking at this more from the child's POV than from the adults. I dont want Noah to ever have that hole. I want him to have a relationship with first mom and first dad. I want him to meet them and talk to them and know whose hands he has. I want him to know how much they love him and never have a doubt about that.

But because I am looking at it from his POV I have higher expectations I think. I have to understand that this may be too hard for them to call and chat everyday. I also have to understand they are young. The think like we all did when we were young. That doesnt make them bad. I need to be open to how ever much or little they want to interact with us. God put the 5 of us together( Us, Noah and Noah's first parents)for a reason.

I also believe another reason I want contact is because his first mom is just such a cool, wonderful person and I think if we had met differently we could have been friends. Not saying we cant now, I hope we can. Maybe I am too old for her, lol. In any case I hope that our relationship will grow and get strengthened.

Noah is doing well, his audiologist says hearing is fine!! YAY! He sees the optometrist Thursday. Then GI on Monday. After that we are done for a month then the really good appointment we are waiting for the geneticist. Thanks so much for all your prayers and support.

Be blessed!

Sunday, June 20, 2010

Father's Day from a Mom's POV

First and foremost I wanted to wish my husband a very very happy fathers day. Thank you for always leaping with me into the unknown, for doing what God called you to do without regret or complaint but just simply because you were ask. Thank you for being my rock and a leader, a man after God's own heart. We love you!

Today has been a great day.

I dressed all the kids in their old navy fathers day tees. They said My dad is king of the castle. They all looked so cute. The Pastor was on fire today. I almost yelled from my seat PREACH IT! but I refrained. He was talking about Fathers and the fatherless. It was truly just an awesome message. I hope more people answer the call and adopt a child. 147 million orphans is a big number but our God is bigger, Amen!

After church Paul got to pick the restaurant of choice and to my surprise he picked Olive Garden. So we had a really good lunch of soup, salad and bread sticks. Half way through dinner Sarie announces that she has to use the potty, lol. Are you kidding me? A kid who is not potty trained and has no interest in it wants to suddenly pee on the potty! Good Grief!! AJ was melting down because she was in desperate need of a nap, haha. At one point she put her head on the table to go to sleep.

Next we went to pick up Paul's cake. We got him a baskin robbins ice cream cake shaped like a root beer float. It was cute and also very very good. When we finally got home we decided to take a swim while AJ slept. Cherry and I got a tummy ache from lunch but were feeling better now.So we swam and then Paul decided to make an outdoor theater. We completed the evening by watching a movie outside some times swimming and watching sometimes just watching the movie on a blanket eating popcorn. All in all I think it was a pretty great day.

I thought a lot about Noah's birth father. I wondered how he was feeling and what emotions he may be going through on this first fathers day. I prayed for him on and off all day. When I finally had a minute to sit in front of the computer I checked my email and got a message from him. He enjoyed very much the collage I made for him. He said he misses Noah everyday. I can not imagine what he and Noah's birth mom are going through right now. Keep them in your prayers please. I hope all of you dad's and mom's out there had a wonderful day.

Be blessed

Father's Day

Usually Ashlee writes the blogs, but she asked me to write this one about Father's day.

This year is a bit different, its the first father's day where I have a son. Still feels weird to say. Still processing it all I think because the whole adoption happened so fast. I can't imagine what its like to be Noah's birth-dad. To have your first father's day and not have your son there. Will he be thinking about him tomorrow, or does he have to force those thoughts out to stay sane? I'm glad that I'm not on his side of the fence, I couldn't imagine not having my kids around me.

I wondered what it was going to be like to have a child in our family that wasn't birthed to us. Really, when he got here, there isn't any difference between how I feel about him and my girls. I love them all the same. Even though sometimes it's hard to process that he's my son, even though he came from somewhere else...

So far being a dad to a son is different after 4 girls, but I have a feeling that the differences are just beginning.

Ok, well I'm not much of a writer so thats really all I have to say. The blogging is better left to Ashlee...


Saturday, June 19, 2010

Guest blogger

You all are in for a real treat. For Father's Day I have a guest blogger. None other than the man of my dreams, my other half, the one the only Ashlee's husband :)

I figured how would I blog about Father's Day? I can't. I can detail what we did( and I will) and take pictures(which I will), but really I can't possibly understand what it is like to be a father. So I called in the man. I hope you will enjoy this rare and special treat. For those of you who know us personally you know my husband rarely speaks let alone writes. I can't wait to read all he has to say.

Happy father's day to all fathers, those who have their children and those who do not. For those that chose to raise their children and those who make the very difficult decision to do whats best for the child and allow him/her to be raised by someone else. So many times we tell dads how to do better or be better instead of just celebrate the awesome fathers this world has.

Be blessed

Happy 4th Anniversary Reeses Rainbow

I pray that you are moved into action. Donate, sponsor, ADOPT! Spread the word and help Reese's Rainbow get every last one of the children in that video adopted.

I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you. John 14:18

Be blessed

Friday, June 18, 2010

Fotoshoot at the park

I had this idea in my head, scary thought i know, that I would get all 5 kids to sit for a pic for Paul for Father's Day. I quickly realized that I needed to call in reinforcements and could not do this on my own so I told Paul happy fathers day now help me, lol.

We had a blast. I decided I didnt care how they sat or if they looked. I was not going to stress them or me out to get pictures. So I stood back and just shot. I let them go and do whatever they want and just stayed away and shot. The pictures turned out amazing and there were no tears from them or me haha. I just cant stop looking at them they are beautiful! I will try not to post a ton but its hard lol. You can click on the pic to make it bigger.

Happy early fathers day to all fathers who have their children and those that do not. Also big thanks to Noah's first dad who gave him life and foster dad who showed him what having a father is like.

be blessed

My new fav picture!

The men in my life

I have 2 men in my life that I love more than anything. I never thought I would say that after my best friend died. I just feel so blessed right now. Having a son is nothing anyone without one could imagine. In all honesty though some days I still feel like he isnt mine. I love him and would die for him and would never ever give him up but I feel like I have to run all decisions past a slew of people. Having never adopted before I dont know how all of this works. Some days I feel like his very blessed foster mother that will one day have to give him back then I have to remind myself I am his mother. His mother that will be here for him forever, his mama that will be the only mama he ever knows(in his daily life. we plan to talk about his first mom to him daily when he is older and have her be a part of Noahs life as much as possible), his mama that in 5 years will dry his tears from a boo boo and in 10 years will watch him do dare devil stunts that take years off my life, his mama that in 20 years will watch him fall in love, go to college and start living his life out there in the world. I am Noah's mama.

So I have two men in my life. How did I ever get to be so blessed?

Monday, June 14, 2010

Welcome to Holland

When I first read this I fell in love with it. It brought back into my mind the day God called us to adopt a special needs child. I feel so very blessed to have landed in Holland and not Italy. Thank you Lord for always knowing what is best for me beyond my wildest dreams.

Welcome to Holland

by Emily Perl Kingsley
Print Version

I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability - to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It's like this...

When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.

After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome To Holland".

"Holland?!?" you say, "What do you mean "Holland"??? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy"

But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay.

The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place.

So you must go and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.

It's just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around…and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills...Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.

But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy...and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned".

And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away...because the loss of that dream is a very significant loss.

But...if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things...about Holland.

© 1987, by Emily Perl Kingsley. All rights reserved.
Reprinted with permission of the author.

Noah is a picky lil man!

I realized after a week long battle with Noah's feedings that he is very picky. He will drink the breast milk and the ready made formula but will not drink the powder formula. He throws a fit and then projectile vomits it all over the place. I think feedings will be much easier now that I have figured that out.

ECI came to the house today and Noah is going to be getting a lot of different therapies, OT, PT, Nutrition, and a bunch more I am unsure of the names. They should start next week, finally! I am so grateful to them for helping us.

All in all things are fabulous and I am so very very much in love with the new man in my life. And one day I wont cry every time I say I have a son. :)

Sunday, June 13, 2010

Milk Delivery

Thanks to a very generous mother(Kristen) Noah is drinking his first bottle of breastmilk. He is doing very well so far. I fed him 3 oz without incident or problems and Paul is feeding him the other 3 now. We will see how much he eats. He usually only eats 4 oz a sitting of formula. That has been a struggle lately to get him to eat it. He fights and fusses and kicks and even started crying. Right now he is calmly and quietly eating his boob juice. Arent I so poetic. :)

I really can not thank Kristen enough. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU KRISTEN!

Milk Drunk- He says its the best meal hes ever had.

Paul says he has to admit he is a bit weirded out. He said his adopted son is drinking his high school classmates breast milk. He said, everythings a little foreign here.

Be blessed