"Not flesh of my flesh, Nor bone of my bone, But still miraculously my own. Never forget for a single minute,
You didn't grow under my heart - but in it"

Saturday, April 30, 2011

A Calling..

Saturday I got to go to the NICU and take pictures of a preemie. It was such a rewarding and amazing experience. I had to travel about an hour or so then when I got to the hospital I had to scrub in. That was kinda cool, made me feel like an important doctor or something lol. I tapped the sink with my knee, got a ton of soap and scrubbed up to the elbows for 2 minutes. during that time I imagined working with Addison Montgomery or Mc Dreamy. Seriously I did. After that I had to use another soap and wipe that up top the elbows then I had to have my bags all put in hospital bags. I was only allowed to get into the camera bag. Followed that by getting in a really hot gown and I dont mean sexy. Man I have never sweat so much! Finally it was time to shoot.

I wasnt allowed to bring props or touch the baby. Technically I could have but then it would be scrub scrub scrub again and back to shooting so I didnt touch. Plus I didnt want to touch him and have a monitor go off or something. Could you imagine? He was so very very tiny. Already 3 month old and only 6lbs but still, very little. I got the pics and then got that sweaty gown off and headed home. The feelings as I walk out of the hospital rushed me and I started to tear up. I do that a lot. What can I say, the Spirit moves me. :) Anyways, it was just amazing to be a part of something. Amazing to see this child that some doctors would refuse to treat, some people would abort and here he was fighting for every breath, fighting for every milestone, fighting to be recognized as a human life, a life worth saving. It was amazing.



Be blessed

Thursday, April 28, 2011

Shout to the eye

Yesterday was one of those days. You know the ones. The ones where you just should have stayed in bed. First I get everyone up at 6:30am and get them fed and dressed and we head out the door to take Paul to work. After we drop him off I head to Noah's doctors appointment. I find out the bank back in Pa did something stupid and cost us a ton of money so I was fighting with them. I got to the appointment 30 mins early and they werent even open yet. Fun. So I fed Noah in the car and then we went in.

The bank was still calling me on the phone while I was at the doctors so I was filling out papers and talking to a moron. They called us back and we needed to get Noah undressed. After I got him undressed they ask us where his vax records were. I told them that we didnt vax as I had told the woman on the phone when we made the appointment and the woman on the phone was fine with it. Apparently she was fine with it but failed to mention the rest of the office was not! Then two nurses ganged up on me and said we needed to leave or get all the shots right then and there. I said you cant guarantee me that a child with Trisomy 8 will not have a huge complication from all the vaccines. They assured me that they take care of hundreds of kids with Trisomy 8. Ummm WRONG! She was probably thinking of Trisomy 18 or talking out of her butt. They then went on to blackmail and bribe me. They told me they would only sign the paper for his medical insurance and medical supplies if we vaxed him on the spot right then. NO!

So very long story short I told them where to go and that they could not bully me ask for a manager and thats when the dr came in and saw him. Then she tells me that after hearing about Trisomy 8 which she hadnt heard of that he probably should definitely not have several of the shots they wanted to give him. A couple of the shots by her own admission cause seizures and neuro problems and when given to a child who is already at risk for both of those would set it off. HMMMMM, maybe Noah's mama does know best! They made me pay cash and I had to hand them the last of our money.

Then I leave there drained and ready to cry, get back to the hotel and 5 mins later Noah is covered head to toe in shout detergent spray. AJ sprayed him. He wasnt crying and looked fine. I wiped him off and poured water on his eyes as a just in case. An hour later his eye is really bad. Its poofy and red and I then rinse it out again. An hour after that it is worse. I call poison control and begin to panic. They tell me to rinse it out with 15 cups of water and put an ice pack on it for an hour and they will call back. We did that and Noah hated every minute of it. After an hour they called and said he would be fine but if I felt like I needed to I could call the ped. I surely wasnt going to call the horrible office I had dealt with earlier. So I called the ped on call back home. It was time to take Noah to the ER.

We headed out to the ER just me and my boy in a city very foreign to me very late at night. I found the hospital and parking and headed in. They took us right back and didnt make us wait at all. They did a ph test first. Non acidic was the findings which was very good for us they said. They dye and a blue light then numbing cream and an iv bag full of fluid sprayed rapidly into my babys eye. Then the antibiotic cream and home we went. Noah was a trooper. I was in the garage ready to leave and just broke down. I cried almost the whole way home. Noah was asleep and I was finally basically alone and the tears just flowed. I was dealing very much with personal demons along with homesickness.

I missed Pittsburgh. Not the people(other than close friends)but the familiarity of it. The smell of my city, the look of it. Knowing exactly how long it would take to get to the hospital that we spent the last 10 months at. Seeing doctors we had seen for the last 10 months. Parking in a garage and knowing exactly where to go. I missed knowing the stores and having the money to buy things at them, lol. Missed having a house. I dont think I ever missed a house more. It had nothing to do with the house itself as much as it was the space and familiarity the house, the neighbors, the neighborhood. I miss putting my kids in their rooms for naptime. I miss watching the kids eyes light up when Ike the mailman would pull up to our hosue. Rain, or snow Cherry was running out in her barefeet to greet him and get the mail which every single day contained candy. How he kept us all in lollipops I will never know! I miss talking to him about his daughter and how she was getting married and how proud he was of her. I really miss all of that. I miss going out to my driveway and seeing my great neighbors across from us and waving. If we all had time we would talk and they would always ask about Noah. They were so wonderful, irreplaceable. I miss being 5 minutes from my besties house. Going over to take a few pictures, chat and get my new baby fill. I miss walking around the neighborhoods at night with friends. I miss riding my bike in the Jewish cemetery with Paul and the kids. Oh how I miss Sunday night date nights. We had an amazing babysitter that I knew could handle anything. Leaving my kids had never been so easy and guilt free. I miss driving her home and talking to her about life, adoption, God you name it. I miss my church. I miss seeing people that I know there. I miss the cafe there with the ah maze ing blueberry acai smoothy. I miss going to workout with my gal pals every Tuesday night. I miss seeing the one come in with mcdonalds, lol, right before we would work out. Guess its better than after. I miss the complaining from them when I would try to make them do something new. Lol.

Last night it just all came crashing down on me and satan decided to have a field day. He told me how lazy a mother I am. How I can't be trusted with the kids I have and how I never should have ever had them or Noah. I had been told over and over again yesterday that accidents happen, but I didnt believe that and still am not sure I do. I feel like this all could have been avoided and that God gave me this beautiful boy and I some how screwed it all up. I believed last night that I had single handedly screwed up God's original plan. Wow, like I have that kind of power or something. I know that I can try to do better. For what ever reason God chose me to be these kids mother and I have to do the best.

As of today Noah's eye is hard to look at. This morning it was still red and puffy. This afternoon when I went to put some more cream in it the swelling was almost all gone and it was open. Hopefully tomorrow it will be 2x as better as today or completely healed. I miss those big blue eyes staring at me.

WILL ADD PICS SOON
Be blessed

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

One Year Ago Today- A different direction

It was one year ago today that Paul and I found out about Noah. We werent told much other than most likely he could be a vegetable the rest of his life. Could this be the child to turn our morning into dancing?

You know its amazing how fast from when we lost Faith to when we heard of Noah. It was like God said ok, you went that way and it was not right now that I have you on the right path, here you go. I was reading a few other blogs that lost their referrals or the child died during the process. :( You know God had their child revealed to them rather quickly after that too.

I reread April and May of 2010 what I wrote where I was then. Wow. I am just speechless at how God did all this.

This day last year was the beginning of a whole new life for our family, little did I know.

Be blessed

Monday, April 25, 2011

Cry Baby

Wow was I in mood yesterday and unfortunately everyone paid for it. I am grateful to have a risen Savior who loves me in spite of my failures. I cant say that I didnt have the self pity going on today. Then I watched this:

and it was convicting and humbling.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry for being such a huge pain in the butt, God. I am grateful for all you have given me and I will try to do better. Please help me Lord.

In Jesus name I pray

Amen

Be blessed

Sunday, April 24, 2011

Best Easter Ever!

Yup! Thats what the kids had to say about Easter 2011. Me, not so much.

We woke up and they screamed and cried all blessed morning. Story of my freaking life in this damn hotel. Then I got a shower and was starting to sdry my hair when I heard a pop and the hair dryer then caught fire. The hair dryer sounded like something awful since we got here so I assumed it was "normal." So then I had to wait until we could find someone to get me a new one. I hate this place.

While I was getting dressed Paul took the kids outside since they were climbing the dirty walls here. He took a pic of them. They didnt match like I like and no pretty shoes or anything. We are living out of a freaking box. can you tell I have had my fill? Then we all get in the car and head to church. AJ is pissed about something stupid and screams the whole way there. I contemplated jumping from the car half way there.

Church was really nice. The kids got their pictures taken with the Easter bunny. That actually made me really happy. I never get their picture with a bunny and it was fun for them to experience that. I know some of you will probably have something to say about bunnies at church and I'm here to say shut it. AJ of course didnt want anything to do with the bunnies. Surprise.

Then we came back to hell I mean the hotel and I slept. Yeah, I think I am a bit depressed. I got under the covers and laid there and slept through Easter. Fun. Paul made a great meal and the kids picked at each other and screamed all blessed day! I woke up took a few bites and then slept more. The kids screamed more. I woke up took a few more bites then slept. When I finally got up I ate 20 reese's pb eggs and watched twilight. Now I am up and the kids are screaming and I am miserable.

9 more days. I cant take another 9 minutes let alone 9 whole days. I hate it here. HATE! Sure I should feel grateful to have a roof over my head. I am, kinda, but at this point I would take living by myself under a bridge rather than in this hell hole with 5 screaming kids.

Happy freakin Easter.

Saturday, April 23, 2011

That Child

Is going to be the death of me!

Of course we are talking about Miss AJ! The kids were sitting down watching the Wizard of Oz and oh how I hate that movie! So I was on the bed watching Eat Pray love with headphones in. Next thing I know the bottle of ibprofin is open and kids are screaming that AJ ate them!!! Are you kidding me? So we panic! I mean what would you do? So Paul sees that she only had one and not even a whole one. I am already on the phone to poison control. The woman told me that AJ could have 15 tablets before we should panic. Seriously?! She said that the cap really isnt child proof as much as it is child resistant and just made to slow the child down.

I feel like a complete failure as a mom. My child ate a half of an ibuprofen. The other one shaved her lip a few weeks ago. Nothing in this hotel can be up high enough or locked out of their reach. Im tired of it. If we were at home all the pills and razors would be behind child proof locks!!

10 more days! 10 more days and we will have some money and a nice house to live in. I cant wait! We wont have our things or any furniture but we will have a house and a paycheck. I cant believe we have lived 6 weeks with no pay. That is a true testament to God's glory. More space and money to buy groceries and little things like child locks!

Ugh! So tonight I once again go to bed feeling like a failure as a parent. Sigh. Hopefully tomorrow I can do better.

Be blessed

Friday, April 22, 2011

Noah's Fav Past Time

Pulling out the tubes for his gtube feedings. Oh I so cant wait to be done with that gtube! Now he doesnt pull out the actual button thank God, but it disconnect the tubes filled with the formula in them and all the formula goes all over him and his crib, his toys, EVERYTHING! So there is a rotten milk smell that fills the room and never goes away and everything is sticky and ruined. This happens almost daily. I started putting him in his chair to eat and so it minimized it except he did it with his overnight feed.

This morning on top of having formula everywhere and tubes disconnected he had horrible green snot everywhere and glassy watery eyes. This means vomit is sure to come. I hope he isnt getting sick again. I have to take him to the doctors anyway but I really dont want a sick child who vomits all over my new house.

Speaking of the doctors I have to find one who will see Noah and fill out forms for both medicaid and the medical supply company. We have insurance, technically. We just cant prove it because we dont have the card yet. Noah has insurance but it is only good in Pa. I tried the doctor who saw him before he was adopted but they refused to see him, not taking new patients. I needed to get him seen like yesterday. That is one thing I hate about moving, new doctors.

Anyways, Noah is perking up and yelling at me while I feed him organic honey almond yogurt. So maybe it was just the air conditioning that caused the snotty nose? He is eating very well today. Yesterday it was awful. He chewed on his tongue the entire time and made all the food drain from his mouth. In all honesty I was completely frustrated with him. Then last night while at the grocery store he decided to eat the cart. EWWWW. So Paul told him no and moved his mouth off of the cart. He proceeded to scream like a girl for 5 mins then took a short break to put his mouth back on the cart, got in trouble and screamed for another 5. Then he refused to look at Paul at all. LOL. He held his head down in shame and did not make eye contact the rest of the shopping trip. It was too funny. People were staring at us while he was creaming but thats ok. He i old enough to learn right from wrong. I have a feeling though he will never be or do anything wrong according to his big sisters. Lol.

Ill post pics soon just stupid internet adn too much to get done. Be blessed

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Birth Certificate

Yesterday in the mail we received Noah's birth certificate. when I opened it I immediately teared up. Mother- Ashlee Father- Paul. Of course we already knew that and already felt like he was always ours but something about reading that in print on an official document just made my heart leap. We totally werent expecting the birth certificate until July so it was a welcomed surprise yesterday.

Also yesterday Noah started therapy. I am very happy that he will continue to receive services that have been helping so much really I am. Its just that...its so crowded already! I can't wait though, 13 days until 4000 sq ft. I dream about that now. Day dream too. I can't wait to see what the house looks like. When we looked at it the woman who lived there was there and had the place really junked up and dark. I cant wait to see it clean and open and beautiful. I told Paul we will be looking at it for the first time basically because we rushed through it the first time. I can't wait to get furniture in there and have Paul make our dining room table to seat 12 or more. The yard will be a great thing for the kids to actually run around and play all day instead of being in 200 sq ft. I just cant imagine how big it will feel after living here. I can't wait until we have parties. I cant wait until we fill the house with laughter and people and fun.

Thinking about the house makes me less stressed or maybe thats all the alcohol I have consumed here, lol. No really its the house. ;) I dream about it, I day dream about it, I close my eyes and run scenarios in my head about it. I dream about the furniture I will put in the house and then I go online to find the furniture I dream about. For the main living room I plan to have a black leather sectional with maybe an area rug still undecided about the rug. Then I also want a zebra print chase lounge with a small black table next to it and a skinny lamp. Then it the upstairs living area I would like a sleeper sofa. I am going to put the entertainment stand Paul made me in the school room I think.

Cherry and AJ will share a room and I will repaint their bunk beds. The bathroom they will share with Trin will be tinkerbell per their request. Trin will have her loft bed. Sarie will have AJ's old bed. Noah will have his crib. In our bedroom we will have a Texas Star bed. It is a beautiful wooden bed with Texas stars on it. I saw they have a whole bedroom suit to match and would love to have that. Paul and I have never had a bedroom set. We have never had a headboard or foot board before either. So I am very excited. The 3rd living room we are making part of the dining room. I want a beautiful hutch in there and then to have the table stretch into both the 3rd livingroom and dining room area.

I want to see the kitchen again because I dont remember it. I want to look at all the bathrooms too I dont remember them either. As I look around this tiny room in my head I am picturing my house, my beautiful large house. Oh I cant wait. 13 more days!

Be blessed

Monday, April 18, 2011

Blankets for Babies

My oldest daughter Trinity who is 10 learned how to crochet. Then she decided all on her own to make a blanket for a baby who will be adopted next month. she is very proud of herself but not nearly as proud as I am of her. I am so proud that she learned to do something and did it. More so though I am proud that I can see she is having a heart for orphans and using the gifts God gave her for others rather than selfishly. She's 10! 10 and she got that at 10. Wow! God really did an amazing job on her!




Be blessed

Sunday, April 17, 2011

I have a big family Mr obama


Hes a dou*** bag! Sorry for my language. Im tired of him. I have a van a freakin huge van, lol. I have 5 kids but we dont fit in any mini vans. We plan to have more too unless he takes that away from us too. I love my van, hate gas prices but live my van. I also paid for my van in cash as I pay for everything as I am debt free. If I want to drive a large van then I should be allowed too. I didnt ask the government to bail my butt out of anything. No! I pay my bills.

Be blessed

Friday, April 15, 2011

Tired of this place

The hotel not Texas. Love Texas. Hate this hotel.

Things are tough right now. Emotionally, financially, they are tough. I am tired, weak and weary. I am ready to get out of bad vacation mode and get into starting my life here.

The kids dont sleep here which means I dont sleep here. It also means we are very moody and fussy. They are bouncing off the walls in here. It is beyond small. I started the other day dealing quite well with the small space. I wasnt upset about it, even today Im not frustrated with the size. I am upset that they charge a fortune to be here and then all the ants get through all my groceries and I have to throw them out costing me more money. Im mad that I have 900 pictures, yes 900, I kid you not, to go though and get out to clients very soon. I have 2 shoots coming up and if I have these shoots not done and then add the 2 new ones I will be so backed up and never find my way out.

So anyhow yeah the kids arent sleeping and I cant exercise, we are stuck in the house because of no money and gas prices being too high, ants invaded all the good food, internet doesnt work well at all and tomorrow no water. So fun. Yes I am well aware that it could be worse and honestly I do except it to get worse. It will get better though, I know that too. We have a house and as long as we can pay we can move in in 19 days. We cant get a bank account though because of terrorists. Apparently us having a lease but not occupying the house yet and the fact that our licenses say Pa that makes us terrorists and we cant get a bank account. Problem is we cant cash the checks to pay for the house or pay to get our licenses changed. So what can ya do?

Ok I am done pouting its unattractive. Im just tired and pictures calm me down, space clams me down, having alone time with my husband calms me down, exercise calms me down, taking a nice long hot bath calms me down and I cant do any of that here. I am dying just to get a few minutes of alone time, just a few.

Be blessed

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Birthmoms

When I told my foster mom that today I would be taking pictures of birthmoms and their babies and pregnant birthmoms she said, : I think you found your calling."

Well guess what..She's right!

Today I met so many pregnant girls. Every where I looked there was a pregnant girl. Lol. It is funny too because last night I had the weirdest dream. I peed on like 6 sticks and they all said pregnant. I didnt believe it so it was writing pregnant in like 5 other languages,lol. I remember being so upset. I didnt want another child. I knew it was going to be a girl. I mean you birth 4 girls chances are you will birth a 5th. I didnt want a baby in the new house. I didnt want a normal healthy baby and I didnt want a girl. I had my tubes tied and then had to have my uterus lining taken out due to some issues and so when I ask the doctor he said everything was perfect inside. Then I got really scared that because I didnt want the baby God would take her away from me. So I tried so hard to be ok with the baby. Weird!

Anyways...

The girls were great. They were so nice and open and honest. It was great seeing them. I got to also meet two of them that had their babies well 3 actually. 2 had their babies with them and I took pics of them together.

I gave them my business card and told them to call me if they wanted when they delivered and I would take pics for them. They were so gracious. I am very excited to get close to them and love on them and maybe through my actions change the world. If I treat them nice then they will treat others nice. If they know I am a Christ-follower and am not judging them maybe they will go to church and get saved and follow Christ themselves.

I am going back next Friday if I am allowed to do some more.

I also got the chance to meet an adoptive mom. She is so sweet. Everything that happened today was amazing. I got in the car and the song I refuse by Josh Wilson came on and I just started crying. My Spirit was just overwhelmed I guess. I love that song. The lyrics speak to me so much.
Here are the lyrics and my thoughts I had today in parentheses
Sometimes I
I just want to close my eyes
And act like everyone's alright
When I know they're not
(How easy would it be to just look away and pretend that the world was perfect?)

This world needs God
But it's easier to stand and watch
I could say a prayer and just move on
Like nothing's wrong

But I refuse
'Cause I don't want to live like I don't care
I don't want to say another empty prayer
Oh, I refuse
(This speaks to me so much. I dont want to sit around and live my life in a bubble. I dont want to raise my kids, kiss my husband, party with friends and pretend that the homeless man down the street isnt there or a hurting girl didnt just find out she was pregnant alone.)
To sit around and wait for someone else
To do what God has called me to do myself
Oh, I could choose
Not to move but I refuse
(No one can do the job that God put in your heart to do. If you dont do it no one else will.)
I can hear the least of these
Crying out so desperately
And I know we are the hands and feet
Of You, oh God

So, if You say move
It's time for me to follow through
And do what I was made to do
Show them who You are
(This set of lyrics is my passion. God gave me a heart for the least of these for the orphans, widows and fatherless. Someone said that widows are todays single moms. I believe it!)
'Cause I don't want to live like I don't care
I don't want to say another empty prayer
Oh, I refuse

To sit around and wait for someone else
To do what God has called me to do myself
Oh, I could choose
Not to move but I refuse

To stand and watch the weary and lost
Cry out for help
I refuse to turn my back
And try and act like all is well

I refuse to stay unchanged
To wait another day, to die to myself
I refuse to make one more excuse

'Cause I don't want to live like I don't care
I don't want to say another empty prayer
Oh, I refuse

To sit around and wait for someone else
To do what God has called me to do myself
Oh, I could choose
Not to move but I refuse

I refuse
I refuse


When I die I want to have lived. Living for me is getting out there and showing God's love to others. Holding babies that need held, giving a hug to someone who has never experienced it, handing a homeless man a plate of food and a few bucks, taking pictures for people who otherwise wouldnt have the pictures. I want to live to be forgotten. I want people to see Jesus in me so much that they never remember me and only remember Him. Thats my prayer to live to be forgotten.
And when I get to heaven I want to hear, "Well done thy good and faithful servant."



Be blessed

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

An Exciting Opportunity

Tomorrow I get to make a small difference in a few girls lives. I am so excited!

All my life I wanted God to use me. I would pray for it. Lord, please send me, use me, I'm ready, I'm willing, PLEASE! I knew that things that I had gone through in my life were not in vain and I could help others. I craved it. I needed to help. Maybe it was my way of making everything that happened when I was younger be ok. I mean mental, physical, verbal and sexual abuse are NOT ok, but if I could just help someone then maybe it was not all for nothing.

I thought since God gave me the ability to take a picture that I would travel the world and take pictures like National Geographic and people would look at the pictures and would want to change the world. I was going to go to Africa because that after all is the only place to go to take those pictures that will change the world. Is there a sarcastic font on here?? :) I never have been to Africa... yet. People would tell me that my pictures meant so much to them, but still it wasnt enough for me. I wanted to change the world. God use me!

Never would I have thought that God would bring me to Texas to use me to make a difference. Texas? What could I possibly do in Texas to make a difference? Well before we moved to Texas God was working my heart to prepare me. When we adopted Noah and he came with a birthmother that would be semi involved in his life(meaning we have an open adoption and we send letters, text, know each others names and where we live and visit) God softened my heart toward birthmoms. People would look at Noah and say,"How could she ever give him away? I could never walk away from my baby. How selfish!" Every time I heard this I spoke up. I could never be self LESS enough to do what is right by my child like she did. She didnt just drop him off and say BYE! She loved him so much that she knew she had to walk away.

Then I started feeling empathetic toward all birthmoms. The birthmoms at Gladney House live there for a reason. I can only imagine that their parents and other people in their life are not so happy that they got pregnant. There will be no baby showers, there will be no maternity pictures, there will be no belly casting. No. This is to be hushed and hidden away until they are all better. Our country really hasnt come that far. I starting thinking in my mind how they must be feeling. If this is their 1st child, how scared, how alone. It hurts my heart to think they may feel alone. Who knows maybe they dont. Maybe they are fine and wonderful and this doesnt phase them at all. For me though I felt a urge to help them, to get close to them, to love on them.

I am a naturally a very inquisitive person. I want to know everything. I think they have a name for that..nosy! lol I want so much to know other peoples stories. I want to know about their lives, maybe thats why I love blogs so much. I want to ask Noah's birthmom so much, like how did you feel when you found out you were pregnant? What was the reactions from others, how did labor feel, what were you thinking while going thru this. What about the first time you saw him, held him, smell him, did you cry, did you ever regret anything? And about 1000 other questions. I dare not ask because its not polite but I still wanna know. Anyways what was my point? Maybe by getting close to them they will feel free to tell me their stories. People always have. I meet people and they just tell me way too much sometimes. Lol.

Although never in a million years would I think that I would 1- have a heart for girls some of which teens and 2- that I may be able to make a difference in their lives. People dont understand why I would do this. Why would I take time out of my oh so busy life(pah-leeze!) and go and spend an afternoon taking pictures of pregnant girls and birthmoms and their babies? Whats my motive? Why am I not asking for money? Well that is simple, I dont need it. God provides for my every need and always has and frankly He always will. He gave me this dare I use the word gift and I should use it to further His kingdom. We are suppose to be fishers of men not self seekers.

I am not one of those people that carries a big ole Bible in my hand and runs around and thumps people on the head with it saying in my most southern voice, DO YOU KNOW JESUS? ARE YOU GOING TO HELL? JESUS LOVES YOU! BE HEALED BE SAVED. THANKS YOU JESUS! I dont know why its a southern voice but it always is in my head. Anyways I dont think there is anything wrong with that. Hey if the Spirit moves praise the Lord and go with it. I do not have that kind of boldness. What I do have is an open and willing heart and a camera. So through my actions I pray that they can see Jesus in me. I pray that they see I am real, I am honest, I am a sinner saved by grace I am loved and they can have it too. I want people to see how much God loves them. How much He loves me and all He has done. How He brought beauty out of ashes. I want them to know everyday I make mistakes and everyday I let someone down, mainly myself, every day I fail but praise the Lord we have a father who never gives up, who never puts condition on His love and everyday says, "I love you for you." I want them to see when the whole world fails we dont have to feel alone. We can call on the name of the Lord and He will hold us, He will get us through this.

So tomorrow I will meet some ladies and hopefully make a difference in their lives.Today I realized I dont have to be famous to make a difference I just have to be willing.

If you can help your neighbor now, don't say, "Come back tomorrow, and then I'll help you." Proverbs 3:28

Galations 6:9-10 So let's not allow ourselves to get fatigued doing good. At the right time we will harvest a good crop if we don't give up, or quit. Right now, therefore, every time we get the chance, let us work for the benefit of all, starting with the people closest to us in the community of faith.

Be blessed

Friday, April 8, 2011

Oh Ye of Little Faith

Despite the sunshine and friendly people here I find myself sad today. Maybe not sad, worried is the word.

I try really hard to help people and to offer my advice when ask and even at times when not ask. :) Generally I am not a worrier. I go with the flow and expect God to help. I mean how ironic that I feel this way right after writing a post about how much God blesses me. Here I am worrying He may not do it this time.

It is not the fact that I would lose the house that worries me. I know God would just find us another one. Its all the money that we put down on it that we would be out if this deal falls through. We have to have the entire first months rent by May 1st or the deal is off the table and we lose the money. That would mean we would have no where to live, hopefully we could stay at the hotel if we had money but it is a lot to stay here. More than not having a place to live would be the money put down would be lost. Gone! Poof! I believed with my whole heart that we should give that money and this was the house God chose for us. What if I was wrong and foolishly gave away our grocery money? Even if by some miracle we did have the money how would we cash the check? We can't get a bank account here until we have a permanent address. We cant deposit here because we have an out of state back account. We can send the check via snail mail back to Pa but that would take days. The check I am referring to is the paycheck but we are not sure he will get a pay right away. Anyway I look at this the money will not be here on the 1st.

Of course that is my math. God's math should He chose to intervene is way better. If by God's grace we got the money we would still have to have money for the security deposit by the end of the month and also we would need to get our things to the new house. The numbers are all blowing my mind. So I worry. I tried not too. Really if the hotel is my home I will make it work, but the idea of losing the grocery money just is too much to bare.

I'm not worried that God wont work it all out. I am worried I screwed it all up.

What if I did?

Be blessed

Please Pray and Follow

My friend for the last 11 years finally started a blog. I wish it was to ramble on about life as a wife and mother and all the crazy funny things her kids do. It's not. This is a plea for prayer. Her 12 yr old daughter has been fighting since birth and still she fights. April 11th 2011 she will start yet another round of chemo. I am begging you to follow her story and pray everyday for this family. Please.

Click HERE to read there story. Or here is the link http://foryourgloryalone.blogspot.com/

Be blessed

Thursday, April 7, 2011

What a God we serve!

I can not begin to tell you how much the Father has blessed my family. I dont say this to brag, I am truly in awe and I want you to know about our Dad.

Do you know that God is your father? Think about your earthly dad. If you had an ideal childhood and life your father would be the man you look up to. You love him and he loves you. He bought you ice cream from the ice cream truck just to see you smile. He pushed you on the swings at the park, he taught you how to ride a bike and help you at night when you had a bad dream. He disciplined you when you needed it but out of love. He is your dad and he loves you.

Well think about all that and multiply it by 1000. Thats how much more God loves us than our earthly dads. I for one am very glad about that seeing as I never had a father. It was a hard concept for me to grasp and I am not going to sit here and pretend I understand it or get it now. I am a work in progress. What I am realizing more each day is that Romans 8:28 is true, All things work together for good for those that love God and are called according to His purpose. I like that. All things work together for good. And all I have to do is love God. Apparently He accepts my tiny amount of love. I always worry, do I trust Him enough? Do I love Him enough? Does He know? Is He proud of me, probably not. I constantly wonder if I am living a life that is pleasing to my Father. Not having a good earthly father experience or mother experience for that matter I suffer with constant feelings of inadequacy. I got the good grades, I helped others, I was nice to people and still they didnt love me. If they didnt love me then how could God?

What I am learning is God doesnt love me because of what I do or who I am but in spite of all of that. He loves me without any conditions. Just because, because He's my Daddy. I don't have to be perfect(Thank you Lord).

People including myself always say "When you bless you get blessed." That of course is not why I do it. I do it for selfish reasons, I like the way it feels. But when it came down to it me getting blessed, well I just didnt believe I was worthy of it.

Since being in Texas we have really seen what God can do. We prayed for a job. Instead God gave Paul an amazing job with 3 1/2 weeks paid vacation, a significant raise, yearly bonus and benefits. What a might God we serve. Then when we thought we didnt know how we would get money to live until Paul gets a paycheck in mid May someone called and met that need. What a God we serve! When we got shot down by every medical supply company in Tx because of insurance someone called who "knew some people" and assured us it was taken care of. What a God we serve! Amen! When we lost the "house of our dreams" God said, "I love you and I know you thought that was your dream, but I have something bigger and better in mind." Then he truly did give us THE HOUSE OF OUR DREAMS! My Daddy loves me! So much more than I love myself. What a God we serve!!

My God, my Daddy wants provide for me, He comes in sometimes at the very last minute and shows off. When I feel like He is so far away and I dont have the relationship I want with Him, He revels Himself in mighty ways.

You can have that too. Did you know that? This relationship isnt for religious folk, oh no. This is for everyone, including the least of these. Do you ever feel like one of the least of these? I know I do. Not in a material way but in the way you feel inside. Like no matter what you will never get that job, you will never have that item, that car, that toy, that baby, you will never be thin enough or pretty enough, you will never find a man or women to marry you, you will never get that promotion, get out of debt, be healed. Well let me tell you That is a LIE from the pit of hell! Satan wants you to believe that no one or nothing good will ever happen to you because you are worthless and no matter how good you are it still isnt good enough for a perfect God. God loves you my love. He loves you so much that He sent His son to die the most horrible and horrific death just so you can live. Believe it! Receive it! It's the truth.

If you havent ever done so ask Jesus into your heart today. Say a prayer, nothing fancy just from the heart, maybe Jesus I dont know you yet, I want to. I am a sinner. I do some not so good things sometimes. Could you forgive me? Would you? I want to feel your love. I want to know where I go when I die. Forgive me my sins and come into my life and heart. Amen.

Amen Brother! Thats it! Praise the Lord all you have to do is receive Him to go to Heaven. Its not based on how good you are. You are good enough just the way you are. If you dont believe me read the Bible. Ask God. He's there. He loves you and is waiting for you with open arms.

Some verses you may like John 14:6, John 3:16, Romans 3:10 a fav of mine. There is no one righteous, not even one!

I hope that this post means something to someone. I pray that anyone reading this would be so blessed and every need they have right at this moment be met.

I love you all!

Be blessed

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Noah's Graduating!

Today Noah had more baby food! Yay! At breakfast he had a jar of 2nds gerber food that was Organic Pear Raspberry. He ate the entire container. Then at lunch he had 3rd Gerber Sweet potatoes. He also ate the entire jar. We are so excited. He is actively opening his mouth and pushing his head forward to eat it. So I decided it was time to call his old gastro.

When I called the nurse was anything but thrilled. She kept sighing and saying, "uhhhh. I dunno what to do!" Like it was a bad thing or like Noah had screwed up their plans. Lol. She said she had no idea what to tell me and she would have to call the doctor. Then 30m or so later the doctor and he told me to take one bolus feed off of him and to do his overnight at 30mls to lessen what he gets there. This was also the first time I admitted honestly to the doctor that I stopped Noah's feeds from 5am until 9am. He just brushed by that. My way does work! Not always but I did what I thought was best for my son and it worked. Maybe the doctors should learn from this that moms of special needs kids may know a thing or two about some stuff.

So now we are planning to go to the store and get Noah a sippy. If he can begin to take a feed by mouth then 6 months from then we can probably get the tube taken out. Wouldnt that be amazing?! Eating and drinking like a typical kid. Oh man, tears flow just picturing my baby sitting at the table eating and drinking with his siblings. What a day of rejoicing that will be!

I am so grateful to my friends and family who have stood by us and prayed for this child since his birth or since hearing his story. You know this is only possible because you ask God to heal him and he answered our prayers! Our baby boy is HEALED!! Praise God from whom all blessings flow!

Here are some videos of Noah eating




Be blessed

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Not Made for This

You know those women that lived centuries ago and they lived in a one room house no bigger than most of our livingrooms and did so with 10 kids. Yeah well, there is a reason why God made me part of this century and not theirs. I am no made to live in such a tiny space with so very many people!

Living in 200 sq feet is really getting to me today. My livingroom, foyer, bedroom, kids bedrooms and workout space are all the same room. There is no place I can go to get away from the noise and chaos that lives here. I dont really think I ever thought I would live in such tight corners with so many people. Most of the people being under the age of 11. I feel like there is constant motion constant noise constant kids running and jumping off walls and furniture and I am going to lose it seriously! You cant even hear when you are on the phone. Sigh.

I should not complain. I mean we have a place to live, we have groceries and we have our health especially Noah. I am so grateful for all those things. Having a house and groceries is definitely a God send considering we havent had a paycheck for about a month and will not have one for about 3 weeks more or so. This alone forces me to solely rely on my Father and believe everything that He has spoken to us.

Today we will adding more people to this tiny space. Noah starts therapy today. We are very excited. He is growing by leaps and bounds. I hope the scales reflect so too. Last night he rolled funny on his cords and clamped the one shut and his whole over night feed went into the ferral valve. We couldnt let it drain back into him so we decided to throw it out and start with his 9am. We did feed him baby food this morning to make up for some of the calories and wow! he ate 3/4 of the jar!!!

There may be something to say about that, not getting an overnight feed and waking up to actively eating food. He is so cute and goofy when he eats. He totally doesnt get it. He sticks his chin way out and stiffens his mouth. He knows when it goes in he has to do something to get it down his throat just not sure what that something is. So his tongue starts moving and jaw tightly moves up and down. It looks completely silly! Hopefully with more therapy he wont have to put so much effort into something that comes so naturally to the rest of us.

Be blessed

Monday, April 4, 2011

The Golden Rules of Living

I got this in my email from focus on the family and I really love it. I want to put it up in our new home. Thought you might like it too.


We’ve all heard of the “Golden Rule” – that ethic of reciprocity which instructs us to treat others as we might want to be treated. Someone recently sent me a list inspired by Jesus’ words in the Book of Matthew. The logic is simple and refreshingly blunt. You might tack this up on your refrigerator. It applies to young or old. rockwellgolden.jpg



Isn’t it true that very often the best advice is the most basic, too?
The Golden Rules of Living
If you open it, close it.
If you turn it on, turn it off.
If you unlock it, lock it up.
If you break it, admit it.
If you can’t fix it, call in someone who can.
If you borrow it, return it.
If you value it, take care of it.
If you make a mess, clean it up.
If you move it, put it back.
If it belongs to someone else and you want to use it, get permission.
If you don’t know how to operate it, leave it alone.
If it’s none of your business, don’t ask questions.
If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.
If it will brighten someone’s day, say it.
If it will tarnish someone’s reputation, keep it to yourself.


Be blessed

Sunday, April 3, 2011

Y'all are quick!

Yesterday I ask for prayer. By yesterday afternoon Paul received his offer and is overjoyed. It is above and beyond our wildest dreams and while he did not get a signing bonus we are very happy n thankful to God and you all who prayed.

It was confirmed in our hearts yesterday that it really was a good move for our family to make. We left everything but God is good all the time.


Please continue to pray that we would get the house. Thank y'all so much. We appreciate all of you.

Gotta make this short because we are off to try a new church. Praying we can find our church home soon.


BE blessed

Saturday, April 2, 2011

Still here!

You know ever since I opened a facebook account I have had nothing to blog about.

We are still in Texas. Love it here! Noah is doing fantastic! No vomit for almost 2 weeks. He continues to tolerate his feeds at about 45 mins per feed. He also is taking some bites of food orally. Praise the Lord! His therapy should start back up next week.

We spent the last few days looking at houses. The first one we saw was perfect and in our budget, Yay! We then went on to see a ton and a half more. Lol. The last one we saw was almost like the first at least on paper. We walked up to the door and a woman answered looked in disgust at me turned to the realtor and said,"OH my gosh she brought all her kids!" I cant get the tone right typing it but the pittsburgh gal in me wanted to come out and beat the s#$% outta her! Instead, I said, "Were done here!" I refused to look at a house with a prick like that in there. No effin way! Grrr! I stood in their driveway and talked to the realtor and told her the first house was way better and we loved it. We would talk more on Monday.

Well we were on our way to get groceries and she called. She said that she talked to the owner and there were a lot of people looking at that house we liked so we should put in the 100.00 app fee. If all went well we could move in by April 15th. That was all fine and dandy but we have not had a paycheck in 3 weeks. The money we have left is all we have and it isnt much. There would be no way without a signing bonus we could move in on April 15th. We need 4000. for deposits and first month rent. We told her this but she said maybe we can work something out. So we decided to take a leap and fill out the application and pay the 100.00.

So now we wait. Monday Paul should get his offer and we are praying for a signing bonus. Not just to pay for the house but to also live on for the next month we will have without pay. God will take care of us we know this. We believe it with everything in us. But....I feel so unworthy of a house like this. I feel like good things happen to other people and not me.

This would be a dream come true. Of course we would move in with no furniture for at least a month because of having to pay the truck but we have air mattresses and a card table. It would be awesome! Actually the time line would fit perfect because we are suppose to be outta the hotel by the 20th.

Please pray for our family. Specific needs.

1- pray that Paul gets his offer and he is happy with it. (on Monday)
2- Pray the paperwork goes through on the house.
3- Pray that the landlord would be favorable to us and compassionate.
4- Pray that God would bless the landlord and realtor regardless of the outcome of our situation.

Thank you all. I will update when I know something.


Be blessed