"Not flesh of my flesh, Nor bone of my bone, But still miraculously my own. Never forget for a single minute,
You didn't grow under my heart - but in it"

Thursday, April 28, 2011

Shout to the eye

Yesterday was one of those days. You know the ones. The ones where you just should have stayed in bed. First I get everyone up at 6:30am and get them fed and dressed and we head out the door to take Paul to work. After we drop him off I head to Noah's doctors appointment. I find out the bank back in Pa did something stupid and cost us a ton of money so I was fighting with them. I got to the appointment 30 mins early and they werent even open yet. Fun. So I fed Noah in the car and then we went in.

The bank was still calling me on the phone while I was at the doctors so I was filling out papers and talking to a moron. They called us back and we needed to get Noah undressed. After I got him undressed they ask us where his vax records were. I told them that we didnt vax as I had told the woman on the phone when we made the appointment and the woman on the phone was fine with it. Apparently she was fine with it but failed to mention the rest of the office was not! Then two nurses ganged up on me and said we needed to leave or get all the shots right then and there. I said you cant guarantee me that a child with Trisomy 8 will not have a huge complication from all the vaccines. They assured me that they take care of hundreds of kids with Trisomy 8. Ummm WRONG! She was probably thinking of Trisomy 18 or talking out of her butt. They then went on to blackmail and bribe me. They told me they would only sign the paper for his medical insurance and medical supplies if we vaxed him on the spot right then. NO!

So very long story short I told them where to go and that they could not bully me ask for a manager and thats when the dr came in and saw him. Then she tells me that after hearing about Trisomy 8 which she hadnt heard of that he probably should definitely not have several of the shots they wanted to give him. A couple of the shots by her own admission cause seizures and neuro problems and when given to a child who is already at risk for both of those would set it off. HMMMMM, maybe Noah's mama does know best! They made me pay cash and I had to hand them the last of our money.

Then I leave there drained and ready to cry, get back to the hotel and 5 mins later Noah is covered head to toe in shout detergent spray. AJ sprayed him. He wasnt crying and looked fine. I wiped him off and poured water on his eyes as a just in case. An hour later his eye is really bad. Its poofy and red and I then rinse it out again. An hour after that it is worse. I call poison control and begin to panic. They tell me to rinse it out with 15 cups of water and put an ice pack on it for an hour and they will call back. We did that and Noah hated every minute of it. After an hour they called and said he would be fine but if I felt like I needed to I could call the ped. I surely wasnt going to call the horrible office I had dealt with earlier. So I called the ped on call back home. It was time to take Noah to the ER.

We headed out to the ER just me and my boy in a city very foreign to me very late at night. I found the hospital and parking and headed in. They took us right back and didnt make us wait at all. They did a ph test first. Non acidic was the findings which was very good for us they said. They dye and a blue light then numbing cream and an iv bag full of fluid sprayed rapidly into my babys eye. Then the antibiotic cream and home we went. Noah was a trooper. I was in the garage ready to leave and just broke down. I cried almost the whole way home. Noah was asleep and I was finally basically alone and the tears just flowed. I was dealing very much with personal demons along with homesickness.

I missed Pittsburgh. Not the people(other than close friends)but the familiarity of it. The smell of my city, the look of it. Knowing exactly how long it would take to get to the hospital that we spent the last 10 months at. Seeing doctors we had seen for the last 10 months. Parking in a garage and knowing exactly where to go. I missed knowing the stores and having the money to buy things at them, lol. Missed having a house. I dont think I ever missed a house more. It had nothing to do with the house itself as much as it was the space and familiarity the house, the neighbors, the neighborhood. I miss putting my kids in their rooms for naptime. I miss watching the kids eyes light up when Ike the mailman would pull up to our hosue. Rain, or snow Cherry was running out in her barefeet to greet him and get the mail which every single day contained candy. How he kept us all in lollipops I will never know! I miss talking to him about his daughter and how she was getting married and how proud he was of her. I really miss all of that. I miss going out to my driveway and seeing my great neighbors across from us and waving. If we all had time we would talk and they would always ask about Noah. They were so wonderful, irreplaceable. I miss being 5 minutes from my besties house. Going over to take a few pictures, chat and get my new baby fill. I miss walking around the neighborhoods at night with friends. I miss riding my bike in the Jewish cemetery with Paul and the kids. Oh how I miss Sunday night date nights. We had an amazing babysitter that I knew could handle anything. Leaving my kids had never been so easy and guilt free. I miss driving her home and talking to her about life, adoption, God you name it. I miss my church. I miss seeing people that I know there. I miss the cafe there with the ah maze ing blueberry acai smoothy. I miss going to workout with my gal pals every Tuesday night. I miss seeing the one come in with mcdonalds, lol, right before we would work out. Guess its better than after. I miss the complaining from them when I would try to make them do something new. Lol.

Last night it just all came crashing down on me and satan decided to have a field day. He told me how lazy a mother I am. How I can't be trusted with the kids I have and how I never should have ever had them or Noah. I had been told over and over again yesterday that accidents happen, but I didnt believe that and still am not sure I do. I feel like this all could have been avoided and that God gave me this beautiful boy and I some how screwed it all up. I believed last night that I had single handedly screwed up God's original plan. Wow, like I have that kind of power or something. I know that I can try to do better. For what ever reason God chose me to be these kids mother and I have to do the best.

As of today Noah's eye is hard to look at. This morning it was still red and puffy. This afternoon when I went to put some more cream in it the swelling was almost all gone and it was open. Hopefully tomorrow it will be 2x as better as today or completely healed. I miss those big blue eyes staring at me.

Be blessed

1 comment:

  1. This post almost made me cry, but I'm in Biology so I tried not to, hahaha.
    I miss you guys so so much.
    Love you.