Wednesday, November 2, 2011
Today I wanted to just do a quick post about words and how they can hurt. When talking about adoption there are certain words that can really sting a little. So I will give you my list and thoughts first then the thoughts of others from other blogs.
"real" parents. When referring to my son's birthfamily we call them by name. I understand that not many people know their names due to privacy. When others refer to my son's birthfamily or birthparents we prefer those terms and not real mom real gma real dad. Saying someone else is Noah's real mom really hurts my feelings and annoys the crap outta me. He is my child. This does not mean we do not acknowledge his birthfamily, we do. We just are very much real people and we have raised our son thus far so don't strip us from the title of mom and dad simple because we didnt birth him and he doesnt have our genes.
"I bet the birthmom was young" or "she must have been on drugs" or "how selfish I could never"
You dont know our situation and you cant even begin to understand what it is like for a person to go through a pregnancy and birth then choose not to parent that child. It is unfair to her, to us and to our child that people would say these things and think them. Our son's birthmom was young, not horribly. I was around the same as when I had my first. She was and never has been on drugs. She is the most selfless person we know. Maybe you couldnt make that decision, maybe I couldnt but keeping a child is selfish doing whats best the child is selfless. Also please dont presume that she decided not to parent because Noah has special needs. In our case that simply isnt true. She had no idea he had trisomy 8.
Also when talking about my kids dont ask me which one or ones are my own. They are all mine.
Also here is what I wrote about last year. The blog post is HERE and here is some of what I said.
Things that are NOT to be Said to People Who Adopt:
1. How much did she/he cost?
2. Why did you go and adopt--couldn't you have your "own" child?
3. Did you buy that baby?
4. Maybe now that you adopted, you'll have "your own" child.
5. She/He looks nothing like either of you.
6. What are you going to do when she/he looks for their birthparent?
7. Do you know her/his "real" parents?
8. I sure hope he/she fits into your family!
9. Why didn't his/her real mom want him/her?
10. Don't even tell him/her they are adopted, they'll never know.
11. Too bad you had to adopt!
12. Whose fault is it you can't get pregnant?
13. You're doing these kids such a favor.
14. S/he is so lucky to have your family instead of his/her own.
15. An older child is damaged goods .
16. She's your daughter?
17. What about your own kids? What do they think about this?
18. She might come from a cursed background.
19. What are you going to do when you have kids of your own?
20. Do you think you love them as much as you could love your real kids?
21. You got kids the easy way you never even had to be pregnant.
22. What if the real parents come back and kidnap them?
he answers to your questions are going to be framed using these basic points about adoption:
Adoption is permanent.
Adoption is a legal change, involving the court.
Adoption is another good way to create a family.
Some aspects of adoption are private.
Most adopted children grow up to be just fine.
The above was from a website adoptioncrossroads.org