"Not flesh of my flesh, Nor bone of my bone, But still miraculously my own. Never forget for a single minute,
You didn't grow under my heart - but in it"

Thursday, December 2, 2010

Days like today.

I covet. I covet large open houses with lots of land. I covet parents of one or two children. I covet parents of teens or non special needs kids. I covet the day the vomit stops. I covet big vans that our family so desperately needs. I covet parents whose kids go to school. I covet people who get to eat 3 meals a day on time and can exercise freely. I covet alone time, time with my husband, time to sit by a fire and read a book uninterrupted. Oh how I covet. I am ashamed.

Today all but Noah were up by 6am. I slept like a rock until I hear at 8am "TICKLE TICKLE TICKLE" in the baby monitor. Crap! AJ is trying to wake up Noah. So I jump outta bed and run to his room. So fun, my eyes are barely open and I am running. Apparently the girls very quietly went downstairs and made themselves breakfast and were now off playing and watching TV. My livingroom had a mixture of fruity and coca pebbles on it. Playroom/schoolroom trashed. Kitchen a mess but not too horrible. No silverware to eat off of though. I left Noah sleep and went in to give him a feeding at 9- still sleeping, hmmmm. ok?. When I went up a little later still slepping. Then again at 10 am to turn off his feed, sleeping. At 1120am I went up and he looked like he was just starting to wake up and his hair was wet, great that means vomit! Then not even 15 seconds later he starts. VOMIT EVERYWHERE! Ah Man! One day, one day with no vomit would be grand!The coveting began.

He refuses to bend as I undress him and so getting wet pukey nasty smelly clothes off seems to take forever. I have to get the bath and get him cleaned off. He hates this part. Then I put way too much soap on the washcloth. I had to then get clean water to clean him off. Then time for lunch, cleaning the kitchen, rearranging and vacuuming, load reload and unload the dishwasher then lunch. Lunch already? It cant be. Noah needs to eat. Dear God let it all stay down! Then poop, poop and more poop. So more crying, fits and screaming mostly from the kids. changing clothes getting kids off to nap. Can I please eat yet? No. really? Waaaah! Trin comes in and says, "I could be mom for a day to give you a break." Aww Trinnee you have made my day, thank you but no. That would be too much for anyone let alone a 9yr old.

Why oh why does the only toy my son want to play with is his gtube button and tubes. I then spend the next 3 hours taking tubes out of Noahs grasp. Now can I eat? I do a little therapy with Noah and contemplate gagging him,no not to be mean. His ST says he needs to be gagged to decrease the awful hyperactive gag reflex. This is not hard, if you stick anything remotely close to his mouth he gags, stops breathing for a sec and vomits everywhere!Fun! No I think I will be a bad mommy and skip trying to force him to eat only to force me to scrub furniture, clothes and floors. ST already thinks I am lazy and doesnt like me.


Naptime is almost over and I have to re-clean 2 rooms and try to get lunch and possibly after I move furniture exercise. Snack time is upon us now so off I go to do that. Should I even bother to eat any lunch? Its no wonder I have gained 20 pounds since Noah's adoption! I feel like such a failure. Oh well if you stuck with my complaining this long I apologize. This was more of a blog to vent but not to anyone. So I will leave it on a positive.

I am blessed to have 5 children. I am blessed to have a special needs child. Blessed to be only cleaning up puke and poop. Blessed to be able to teach them, watch them grow and develop. I am blessed to have a van that runs, most days. I am blessed to have food that if I found time could eat. I am blessed to have a house we share call "charming". I am blessed to have a husband that tries to releave some pressure. I am blessed to be able to be at home today instead of the hospital. I am blessed to have a little ok a lot of extra padding to keep me warm on these snowy cold winter days. I am blessed to have had just enough time to write this and now must go clean up more vomit.

Be blessed


  1. Love your post Ashlee! We are really really feeling the crunches right now too! Back to work full-time for me, still morning sickness, Braylon refuses to nap - ever. I am still gaing weight even though I throw up all the time! LOL But - we are relatively healthy, can pay the bills, have food in the house, etc...... Love you guys and praying for you too!

  2. Aw thank you! Love and praying for you as well. We totally need to chat more.

    be blessed

  3. Oh, I am BEHIND on blog reading! Ok...about the feeds. Has his "team" suggested feeding him slower? Have they tested his motility? (doing a scintiscan) When the placed his tube, how tight was his pyloris and duodenum? Some kids can't handle their feeds in an hour. Some kids need to take all theirs with continuous pumping (so they're hooked up 24 hours a day!) in order to keep it down. What about taking 1/2 of his feeds for the day and pumping them continuously over night? It would be much slower and less likely that he'd reflux them all back up. It doesn't matter if they get their feeds at night or during the day, as long as they get the total caloric intake in 24 hours. And, has anyone suggested a nissen for him yet? OK, that and you need a new speech therapist. Seriously, MAKING them gag doesn't desensitize them, it makes them more defensive! Is this ST trained in extreme feeding disorders? There, I've said my piece. LOL

  4. If only you guys lived closer! I'd help out with the kids! It would be no different when I was at daycare (although some days it feels that way at my house and I only have two). You are a great mother and have a wonderful family. You don't hear it enough, but you are doing a great job with your kids. Every time I see them they are healthy, happy, and can tell are very loved! Most importantly, you are teaching them about their Father and that's most important!