"Not flesh of my flesh, Nor bone of my bone, But still miraculously my own. Never forget for a single minute,
You didn't grow under my heart - but in it"

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

We must say goodbye.

I remember reading a blog about a mom who lost her referral. The baby's family had contested the adoption. I thought Oh my how horrible that must be for her. I couldnt imagine going thru that, now here we are going thru that.

Faith didnt have family that contested the adoption. Russia doesnt want to deal with new families independently adopting. If we gave the lawyer all of our money and Russia said no again then we would be out 15,000.00 and no child and more heartache. There were some new red flags that came up too so after much prayer and fasting we believe this is a door shut not just a road block. Paul feels released and wants to move on. I guess if I really put all emotions aside I honestly feel released as well. But I am human and I have emotions and emotionally I am barely hanging on. Emotionally I am barely standing only with the help of my heavenly Father who has His arms around my family and Faith.

We told the kids tonight. I really didnt want to. I ask our SW how we tell them, what do we say. She was very helpful. We told them that we tried to adopt Faith but doors were shut and it doesnt look like she will be coming to live with us. This is at the point my 5yr old fell into her daddys arms and sobbed. I almost lost it. Our 2 little ones were blissfully unaware and our oldest is by far the strongest child I have ever seen. She cries in secret like her mom. She holds her emotions well, way better than me. She is a rock. We told them that if God wanted her to be in our family that He would make sure that happened, but for now we should pray for her. Pray that she finds her family. We told them that we still felt God's calling in our life and feel we are still to adopt. We told them that God was and is still good even though this happened.

I feel like crap. I dont understand my feelings. I feel like there was a death. I dont think anyone that hasnt gone through this can understand. I loved her. I prayed for her all the time. I feel in love. She was mine in my mind. We named her. I named her. I envisioned our lives together. Now its gone. She's gone. She is not my daughter. I will still pray for her and I think I may always love her.

I have moments where I wish I would have hit delete 5 months ago, that I had never prayed for God to change Paul's heart if this is what we should do. Five months ago I was content in my life. Now my familiy is in mourning. I have to remember it is ok to be sad and upset but I can not sin in my grief. I will never cease to praise the one who gives and takes away.

Thank you Lord. Thank you for opening my eyes even though it brought pain. Thank you for showing me a tiny life that impacted so many. Thank you for allowing her story to come to light and for people to be changed and be the change in this world. Lord, please take care of her. Please touch her body and heal her. Lord, let her find a family, her family. Help us in our time of grief. Show us the way we should go. Lord, you aid if we pray for your will we would have it. I am praying that if your will is for us to have a child show him or her to us and bring him or her home. Thank you for all the blessings you have given to us. Amen.


Please hold Faith up in your prayers. Pray for her to find her family. Pray for our children in their time of hurting and for Paul and I as we grieve. Also we still plan to adopt so the fund-raising and all the money we have left will be put towards bringing our child home. Thank you all for your support. I am just so sorry it didnt work.

Be blessed


1 comment:

  1. Ashlee, God has given you the burden to pray. If nothing else happened, we all now can pray. You have illumined our eyes to see things we hadn't b4. God still has a plan, we just have to trust in it. You are allowed to grieve. God made us with emotions for a purpose. God has emotions too & He holds all our tears in a bottle. They are very precious to Him. I will keep this in prayer.