You know that night before a major event how you feel..maybe christmas or the night before you go in to be induced or have a c section, how you feel. Maybe you feel nervous, shaky, your heart beats so fast and there is something inside you like in the pit of your stomach, well I am feeling all that, more too, waiting to hear if Russia got our papers and if they were approved.
To say this is the hardest thing I have ever had to do is an understatement. Hard is not even a word I would use, not strong enough. This adoption consumes me. Go on say that it shouldnt and that it will all happen in God's time and every other little phrase you have heard. saying anything to me will not change this feeling. I am sure when this is all over I can look back and think of all the things I should have or would have done different, but do not expect that of me right now while I am in the thick of it.
I have started to envy pregnant women. They have their babies inside of them which always made me feel like I had some kind of control over the situation even if in reality I did not. They can feel their babies kick, have the hiccups and move around. They understand what their baby is getting to eat because of what they choose to put in their bodies. They do not have anyone telling them that once the baby is born they will either approve or deny them to have the child. They do not have to travel to a foreign country and turn in thousand of dollars in paperwork that may or may not expire before they give birth, proving that they are fit parents. They dont have to find an agency or attorney to keep their child. Their child doesnt have to stay in an orphanage until all is in order and approved. The labor they go through is quick and they have drugs to ease the pain. In 9 sometimes 10 short months they are handed their beautiful newborn baby no questions ask. Yes, how I envy them.
After the international incident I broke down. I went to an empty room with an empty crib and cried. Everything was fresh and raw and I cried. I told Paul that 5 months ago I was fine. Five short months ago I was on top of the world. I had 4 amazing children(still do), no need to have anymore, no desire either. My business was booming and although Paul had lost his job it was well with my soul. Now I sit on the floor in tears longing for a child I never met, praying for God to please bring her home and keep her safe while she is there. Walking past her pictures everyday as a reminder that she isnt here. What a difference in 5 months.How in that very moment I wish I could turn back time and be carefree, to not have my eyes opened or be held accountable to act, to be deaf again to the world around me. How in that moment I longed to be deaf and blind, happy without a worry in the world. Still believe that all is good in the world, sure there is some bad and some sadness but overall good.
Even today if you ask if I am glad my eyes are opened, I may say yes to you, but inside I may still feel like saying no. This is hard, so hard. Yesterday I got petty. A person was constantly complaining and oh woe is me my life is so bad..I couldnt take it. I thought how dare she! After all I had been thru! She has the nerve to complain! Who did she think she was?! I snapped and I yelled. "I know about life," I said. "You think I dont know?" (in my self righteous tone) "If all you came for was to complain then leave!" (oh yes I went there) Did I feel bad NO!( And truth is at that very second I didnt but oh the guilt now, oh the pain I feel right now knowing I said that)
That isnt who I am. Even when I lost the baby people would be sad about something then apologize to me and say I know I shouldnt be upset. I would say No you have every right to be upset, just bc I am going thru this doesnt make your pain any less. That is what I should have said again to this person, but I didnt. I failed. I feel like all I am doing lately is failing. I feel like God ask me to do this and I am failing miserably! I am not David, I dont want to wait 25 yrs until my prophecy is fullfilled.
In other news I got an email today from a woman who used KTA and she said that they took Faith off of hold and rainbow kids sent out an email for KTA asking for a family to adopt Faith. That is deceitful! They still have not sent the entire refund back and so I called to see about it today and they wont answer their phones. Oh people beware! Do not use Kids to Adopt agency in Washington! I am going to call every 5 minutes until I reach some one. As soon as I figure out what to do I am going to do it. If the money was sent I will report them to the licensing agency in Washington. I do not want them somehow interfering with this adoption! Although my God is bigger than KTA!
I have no doubts in my mind if God wants us to have Faith we will have her. I just feel bad for a family that may choose to try and adopt her and then find out later after they have sent money that she really wasnt available. Well like my biffle says, "Dont borrow trouble." So I wont, but I really can not stand those people. I pray they dont con not one more family. Anyways I will be happy when today is through. As Anne Shirley (from Anne of Green Gables) says, "Tomorrow is fresh with no mistakes in it..yet"