"Not flesh of my flesh, Nor bone of my bone, But still miraculously my own. Never forget for a single minute,
You didn't grow under my heart - but in it"

Friday, March 19, 2010

I feel like this is never going to happen. I feel like I have invested in this child and love her so very much and my heart is going to get broken and my child will suffer the rest of her life. I'm tired and weary and just can't cry one more tear.I need strength. I can't take this its so hard. I dont understand. I know God sees the big picture but I wish so much He would let me in on what is to come. No one understands.

I'm just tired and weary.

I called the adoption agency today and ask if the papers went to the Russian court, he said they were sent. He didnt tell me if they were sent to Russia or if some other company called Frank had them. I feel like I am a bother to them. I ask about the homestudy and he flat out said he had no idea. So I call our local agency and the person says that they got sent this huge package from the other agency with a list of things that need added. She didnt have the list in front of her but said I would get a call next week. She said something about a budget and way more financial info.


Maybe I'm a bad mom. Maybe God is waiting until I am a much better person and mother before He entrusts yet another child into my care. Maybe I'm not suppose to adopt.

I want this to not be so draining. I want this to not be so very very hard. I want to not love her as much as I do or care about her and other orphans well being so that the pain I feel would not be there anymore. I want my eyes closed again. I want my ears deaf again.

I have to get up every morning and take care of my children, teach and plan and feed and change them. I have to make and take calls. I have to eat, I have to drink. I have to breath. All the while I am thinking about the child that is my child who is suffering. And I dont know what to pray, do I pray another family adopts her because maybe they will get it done faster? Do I pray her Birth mother comes back for her, then she would at least feel love? I pray God's will be done in this situation I do, but the pain is here inside.

I was fine blind and deaf to the world. It didnt hurt because I didnt care and now I care so much and I just dont understand why....why God....why isnt the homestudy approved, why do they keep revising it...why is it not right yet.

I feel so alone. Did God chose me? Why would He? Who am I?

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