We need to decide to get a feeding tube or not too. This is not a decision we are taking lightly. We have been talking to parents of kids with tubes. We have been watching videos and doing research. Why? Well Noah's feeding issues are getting worse. Before I could hold his cheeks and chin and if the bottle was in his mouth, now when the bottle is in his mouth he refuses to suck. This is very frustrating.
I have been writing this post for days. I have spoken to parents and looked up information. I have prayed, I have talked, I have cried, I have gagged. I dont want to make this decision. I want someone else to make it for me. I spend on average 15-18 hours a day feeding Noah. I am suppose to feed him every 3 hours but it takes about 2 hours or so to feed him. If he werent adopted would I have this many problems making a decision, maybe.
Noah's birthmom chose me to raise him and to do whats best for him. I don't want to let her down, or his foster mom or the adoption agency. I feel like Noah hates me. He doesnt want to eat or can't for some reason and I am making him, forcing him to do something he can't or won't. I am not eating either. I eat dinner only most days. I am feeding him all day and when I get a break I need to feed the other kids. I feel so rotten, like I chose this so I have no right to complain. I am running on empty though.
This morning I talked to Noah's foster mom. I care a great deal what she thinks and she had a child with a feeding tube. I did not remember that. She said she knows this isnt the easy way out and that she trusts I will do what is best for Noah. I think this would be best for the whole family. The two younger kids are getting into everything and tearing up my house, behavior I have never had to deal with before. They are a tag team of terrors right now and I think it is from lack of supervision. There is only so much I can do and right now all I can do is feed Noah and feed them. I spend little to no time with them in a day because I have to feed Noah so they amuse themselves by getting into the toilet and cupboards and writing on walls and spilling paint all over my floor. The two older ones have spent days on the computer which never happened before either. School is coming up and how am I going to homeschool when I am feeding Noah 18 hours a day? Things need to change, they may not get back to normal but we do need a new normal at least.
Although it may seem like a decision I am making in just a few minutes this has been something we have dealt with since we met Noah. I need to focus on what is best for my family, what is best for Noah and not care what the world thinks.
Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will. Romans 12:2