"Not flesh of my flesh, Nor bone of my bone, But still miraculously my own. Never forget for a single minute,
You didn't grow under my heart - but in it"

Thursday, August 5, 2010

Bring the rain

"Bring The Rain"

I can count a million times
People asking me how I
Can praise You with all that I've gone through
The question just amazes me
Can circumstances possibly
Change who I forever am in You
Maybe since my life was changed
Long before these rainy days
It's never really ever crossed my mind
To turn my back on you, oh Lord
My only shelter from the storm
But instead I draw closer through these times
So I pray

Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain

I am Yours regardless of
The dark clouds that may loom above
Because You are much greater than my pain
You who made a way for me
By suffering Your destiny
So tell me what's a little rain
So I pray

Holy, holy, holy
Is the Lord God Almighty

There are days like yesterday when I feel as though I have failed as a mother and human being. I feel as though why on earth would God love me, why did He pick me for these kids? Was He punishing them? I can not possibly be the best mother for them there has got to be someone better. Someone who never raises their voice, someone who never tires of changing diapers, cleaning up messes, doing housework or playing with their children. Someone self less who doesnt want any "me" time. I feel like every other woman out there is perfect and has this mother thing down and I am still failing miserably.

Days like yesterday when the enemy can come into my thoughts and tells me that I should have never adopted because I am not that kind of person. The adoptive mom is a mom who waited so long for her child and now is bonded instantly and life is carefree and blissful and there are never any issues. the child and mother are an impenetrable force and everyday is the best day of their lives. When he comes in and attacks me at my very weakest moment and says, "See I told you you were no good. You dont deserve them." Days when I want to pull my hair out and think was 5 the number that finally will throw me over the edge. Will she never be potty trained? When will she ever listen? Why won't he eat for me? Its because he hates me and loves just his sisters and dad and babysitter.

This morning I read a blog of a beautiful woman who has been through so much in her short life and what she said so beautifully is exactly how I feel. She said "On my good days, I anxiously anticipate being the kind of woman God is using all of this to transform me into. On the bad days, I wish I was already there..." I will not even pretend to know what she is going through having lost two children, but I get those words she spoke. I feel like they were spoken just for me. I feel as though I need to remember that some days God will bring the rain for His glory and He hasn't left me during those times Oh no, those are the times He is carrying me through and then the next day we wake up and its a new day, a good day and I know that with God I can do this. I am their mother, God chose me and I will be okay.

And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us. Romans 8:2b-5

1 comment:

  1. Totally get it! This week I had several "bad mommy moments." I really was asking God why He gave me 5 children and why He wanted me to adopt more - with special needs no less? I felt very inadequate. It is just satan sneaking in again, I know. We should pray and give ourselves a pat on the back for being human! Hugs friend!