"Not flesh of my flesh, Nor bone of my bone, But still miraculously my own. Never forget for a single minute,
You didn't grow under my heart - but in it"

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

mama guilt

..we all suffer from it.

Im really struggling with it right now. Everytime I look at Noah I hear a voice say youre going to cut him open bc you are selfish and feeding time is a little hard? I know it is not the Holy Spirit. I know this. Ive been struggling so much. I feel like I let everyone down. Ive been trusted to care for this child and now he needs surgery because I cant feed him. Its a mothers only job when the baby is little to feed that child. Im failing and frustrated. God gave us the supply to feed them and the ability for them to eat yet neither Noah nor I seem to be getting it right.

We saw the surgeon yesterday over an hour away from our house. I didnt like the facility and was adamant Noah would not get surgery there. The facility was small and dingy, you cant spoil me on Children's Hospital then send me to this place and expect me to be happy. They were very unorganized, no one knew where we needed to go and the surgeon we went to see was not working that day. Ummm? Then why schedule me to see him? We finally got where we needed to be.

We met the surgeon who was there and will be doing the surgery. He was nice. He liked the kids and didnt seem to mind 2 of them melting down right in front of him in this tiny tiny room. Paul was with me so their behavior was not like it is when I take them myself. Plus it was naptime. He looked at Noah and said he thinks its remarkable how good I have him looking and obvious I spent a lot of time feeding him. That was nice of him. I do try. Really I do. He said I would finally be able to breath after the surgery and just to wait it will be wonderful. That is not why we are having the surgery and without me saying that he said it. He does understand.

Like any other cutter, I mean surgeon, he lite up when talking about the procedure. Why is that? Anyways. He said they go in laperscopically thru the belly button and come out under the ribs. He said Noah's tube would be lower because his ribs are set lower. I ask what we fed him and he said anything that wont clog the tube...hmmm. Ok? Noah's foster mom said that sometimes they do feeds at night and have a pump running all night and he is receiving his feeds. I dont know what ours will be like. I just know that I am spent. I can't imagine life easier but praying for it.

While there I talked to a mom who has a daughter with a tube. She called to give support and we didnt get to talk long but what she said was helpful. She did say when her husband was changing her daughter the baby pulled out the tube. Her husband ran around the house screaming all while the baby was looking at it on top of the changing table. He then called his wife and they rushed her to the er. The drs there said what you cant put it back in? Oh Gag! I can so envision me doing the same thing. The doctor told me if he does pull it out to just stick it back in, I told him I would rather take him to the hospital. He said we would have to get there fast because the body heals itself quickly.

Noah will stay in the hospital at least two days and during those days I will be taught how to feed and clean and everything else I need to learn about the tube. Talking about a hospital stay makes the mommy guilt worse. I know it is the enemy wanting both Noah and I to suffer. While Noah is in the hospital we are hoping to get his MRI done since he will already be under. The date of his surgery is September 7th. We are trying to get his MRI scheduled then also.

Please pray for our family.

Be blessed


  1. I will pray so hard for you and Noah! I will also pray for your husband as your support! You are doing a great job! Please do not ever doubt that! You are an amazing mother and I look to you as we struggle through this adoption process of our own. Please keep us updated on everything. Blessings, Hugs & Love to you!


  2. I will pray for you guys!! I know what its like to have your baby boy in surgury..I have done in 8 times now..and I am still scared each time! Just know that You ARE doing what is best..Giving your child something that will make life easier on them...and you is not a bad thing! It is the RIGHT thing:) You are his hero! don't forget that!!!