"Not flesh of my flesh, Nor bone of my bone, But still miraculously my own. Never forget for a single minute,
You didn't grow under my heart - but in it"

Thursday, August 12, 2010

I try not to go there

When Noah's therapist was here the other day I was complaining about the GI doctor and how she was sure Noah was going to be tubed at some point in his life. I told the therapist that we shouldnt worry about tomorrow, God tells us that and we arent even guaranteed tomorrow anyways. She said I had the right idea. So many parents think about 10-15 years from now and she said that we just all need to focus on today. I agreed.

Today I got an email from Noah's caseworker. She said we have to apply for SSI before they can finalize our adoption. That scared me because what does it mean to not have his adoption finalized? Can someone come and take him? Also she said when we went to the doctors for SSI I needed to tell the doctor about Noah's future needs and just because he is doing great now doesnt mean he will be forever. Then I got to thinking....

He doesnt know how to suck, not his bottle or move his mouth to eat food. What if he never can eat food? I thought well then he will have a bottle a little longer, but then I imagined him at 15. He can't take a bottle at 15. He fights the bottle now, I am not going to be able to make him take it when he is older. Will he be in a bed with tubes?

The more I allowed myself to go there the worse it got....

What about his 1st birthday? Will he be able to sit? Will he smash his smash cake? Will he be able to eat his cake? Will he ever taste cookies or cake or a lollipop? What about pizza and pie? Is the therapy enough, will it help?

I have to get back to today. Today I have a beautiful healthy baby boy. Today we are having a lot of feeding issues. Today eating has been frustrating, but my son is healthy and here with us and that is enough for us. Today he is laughing at his sisters and rolling over. Tomorrow will have enough worries I am going to try and just focus on today.

Today I have 5 beautiful healthy children.

be blessed

1 comment:

  1. Ashlee - I was just thinking about SSI and adoption subsidies and was going to contact you and ask if you received any of these. Goosebumps. Anyway - you have the absolute right attitude. Sometimes, I think we are forced to think about the what ifs of the future because the real life issues of money and food and the economy just dictate it. Go there when you must. Think of it as measures to take care of your family. Then, return to the here and now. Noah and your girls are beautiful healthy kids. God bless!