"Not flesh of my flesh, Nor bone of my bone, But still miraculously my own. Never forget for a single minute,
You didn't grow under my heart - but in it"

Sunday, February 19, 2012


Fml. You've seen it I'm sure. Facebook status' can be known to have fml in them. I had to ask someone what it meant. I was shocked to hear it meant f#$% my life. Seriously? Then I got angry.

The people who had this on their statuses had great lives. At least from the outside. They had a house, car or way to get around, most were healthy at least for the most part, friends, family. BY all accounts they had a good life in my opinion. Why FML?
These were not the people who's children died of cancer or had been diagnosed with cancer. They aren't the ones who are trying to raise 30,000 to bring a child home from an orphanage. Or the ones whose children have died or who have traveled so long and so far for a child and in the end not get to have that child. These aren't the ones laying in a room covered in their own filth never feeling a good touch or getting a good enough meal to just survive.

This morning I woke up and looked in the mirror. I hated what I saw. Since my surgery last week and then a week stay in the hospital for an infection I have been..depressed. I am very puffy and bloated. I am sore and weak. I am in pain n feel not needed. I looked in the mirror and said out loud, "No FML! No FML! My life is good. This will not define me. My happiness is not contingent upon my image. My self worth is not contingent upon my clothes or jewelry or high heels." And I meant every word. I knew the enemy was close. He has been since the hospital. Speaking so quietly in my ear how awful my situation is, how bad my life is right now. Where is my God that I praise? My God is right here!!

I got in the car fighting myself, back and forth. A negative thought would come up and then I would try to kill that thought with something good. I got to church and could barely move. I found my seat and was so uncomfortable. The message was great though. The Spirit was there and moving. They were singing a song and since the surgery I havent been able to sing. It takes too much out of me. It hurts.

The songs lyrics were: Jesus Something special Supernatural About Your name Jesus Something happens When I mention Your name Demons have to flee when I say Jesus (Jesus)
Sickness has to heal when I say Jesus (Jesus)Every knee shall bow before And every tongue proclaim With worthy praise The matchless name of Jesus When I call upon Your name The very atmosphere will have to change We'll be transformed We'll never be the same By the power of Your Holy name.

Not only could I sing that song but with each breath that said the name of Jesus I got stronger and stronger. I walked to the alter fully expecting to be healed. The message was about praying hard and being persistent. The pastor talked about how as new believers like every prayer we pray gets answered. God parts the red sea. Then we grow in our faith and it seems like He's not parting the sea but asking me to get wet. Why? I use to think that something was wrong with me. My seas werent being parted and it was because I wasnt strong enough in my faith like I was when I first found God. Then today God showed me something different. He showed me that sometimes I need to get my feet wet. Sometimes I need to go into the river with the understanding that God wont let me drown. He's right there next to me, helping.

So if I have to go through this little blip in my life to realize that I am blessed, to feel God right here to never say FML then here I am Lord use me. And you know what saying the precious name of Jesus the very atmosphere changed. Demons fled. My heart has healed. Something happened when I called Him. Jesus Jesus Jesus. So at the end of my status it won't say FML nope it'll say PTL!!!!

Thank you Lord for showing me that its okay to get in the water. To feel the cold and wet on my feet. To have that slight fear of the unknown but to trust my Daddy so much that I push on anyways. I know the road may be long and I may get tired but I am going to follow hard after You Lord, because I know You got this.

Be blessed


  1. AMEN Ashlee! You got it right. The boys & I read in Eze 47 how the angel took him through the river twice. The river flowed out from under the Temple. Then he had to swim the river b/c it was too high to cross. When he brought him to the banks of the river, there were trees with fruit that would not fail. I believe as you allow God's Spirit to flow through you, there will be all kinds of fruit come from your experiences. It said that the fruit fed the nations! Wow!

    I don't know if you know the song Blessings by Laura Story. She wrote it at a pretty rough time in her life. If you get a chance listen to it on Youtube.

    1. I love that song. Thanks!! God is faithful I need to be too. I say all the time I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength...well its time I say it and affirm it! I can get through this because Christ is giving me strength!

      Be blessed Debbie