"There is an instinct in a woman to love most her own child - and an instinct to make any child who needs her love, her own." ~Robert Brault
I read that on another blog and had to post it on here. As this mom was reflecting on the beauty of adoption I was also. How can I not? We are getting very close to the year mark of bringing Noah into our family.
Often people ask if they are all my own or how many are mine, really mine. They are all my own. I love Noah something fierce. He is my own. I am his mother. I know people dont mean anything bad by it but lately a lot of people have been saying things. Let me just give you a heads up please don't ever say, "So you arent his real mother." or" you arent his mother." When we talk about his birthmom dont say "his mom" or "his mother" or "his real mom." I assure you I am real, I am his mama, he is my boy. We love his birthmom and we call her by her name but to you, you can refer to her as his birth mom or first mom or tummy mummy.
While reading another blog I came across something else. A list of what not to say to a SN parent. I wanted to post that and a few of my own on there.
- God only gives us what we can handle; He must think you two are special parents
- Using the word “Austistics” to describe people on the spectrum.
- Remember, you have to take care of yourself, so you can take care of them.
- He’ll speak when he’s ready to.
- When looking at my son using a reverse walker, “Wow, we need to get one of those for my (typical) 10 month old so he/she can walk better!”
- They’ll EAT when they’re ready. They’re not going to starve to death.
- You are so much stronger than me… I don’t know how you do it
- Pointing out that my non-walker shouldn’t be in a stroller, not knowing he can’t walk.
- That my child is just playing us.
- They just need discipline.
- You two are amazing for adopting special-needs children. They are SO LUCKY.”
- Family and friends that downplay a diagnosis.
- For a child that has tics, saying, “Do you think she is doing it for attention?”
- Anything that implies that sensory issues are not real or that we’re playing into their “fear.”
- When people say they are sorry or offer condolences for a child with disabilities.
- Any comment that starts with “If you would just…”
- What’s wrong with her?
- Don’t worry she’ll catch up.
- He’ll grow out of it.
- Is your other son/daughter “normal”? or “Are your other kids ok? (As if to imply the child with the disability is not?)
- You are so much stronger than me and/or I don’t know how you do it.
-You have your hands full enough you don't need to have any more kids.
-You are too busy I feel like you are going to have a breakdown.
-You can't do it it's too much.
-Are you crazy?!
I thought I would end this with a paragraph about the well-intentioned people and go into something about the people who talk without thinking, obviously, we think to ourselves. But I decided to open up a thread on what we’d like to hear from people. So here is the YES! SAY THIS! Instead list…
- I’ll be over on Saturday to help do laundry/wash dishes/scrub floors!
- I don’t know what to say to you, but I love you.
- How are you doing? (and actually listen to the answer)
- Quote from Elaine Hall: “How Can I Help?”
- Just wanted you to know I was thinking about you.
- I just made an extra dinner when I was cooking for us, can I drop it by now?
- I know you had an appointment yesterday, how did it go?
- Want to drop your kids off with us for an hour or so? (Because people are afraid to take care of my kids, when this happens, it feels like acceptance and support.)
- I’m on my way to the store, want me to grab you some milk or bread?
- Need any help at bedtime with the kids?
- I’m coming over to watch the kids right now for an hour so you can take a nap.
- We’re on our way to take care of the yard work.
- Sounds like you’re doing a great job.
- Here’s some things that worked for us. (preferably from people who “get it.”)
She goes on to say that One thing seems to be across the board though; special needs parents would like people to think before they speak, especially in front of their children. We’d like people to see our kids as people, with feelings. I’d like people to know that when they see what they perceive as a negative is not necessarily a negative.
Noah will do things in his own time. I am so happy that your child is talking, walking, potty trained or what ever else he or she may be doing. My son will not be doing those things in the time you want him to or think he should. I am happy for you and your "typical" child really I am. When my son does these things it will be amazing! It will be a miracle and it will be on his time. And I'm ok with that.
Thank you all for supporting me and Paul and the kids. For loving us. We love you too. Please just remember to think before you speak, but really I love you all and know you mean nothing bad by what you say. I even say things wrong all the time!