"Not flesh of my flesh, Nor bone of my bone, But still miraculously my own. Never forget for a single minute,
You didn't grow under my heart - but in it"

Sunday, August 14, 2011

Somewhere along the way I lost something.

From Pa to Texas something was lost. Perhaps it was my moral compass, is that the word for it? I got to Texas and was showered with praises. You deserve something nice,your kids deserve this, you deserve this, you need to do this and this. So..yeah...ok..my kids do deserve the best. I do give a lot is it too much like they say? Ok, Ill take that big tv, sure gimmee a new livingroom set, new washer and dryer..sure, car broke better get a car payment rather than a car we could pay for with cash.

We have a beautiful house full of beautiful things. Most of which still have a payment. That is something different for us. But we needed this stuff...seriously, we had no furniture...but did we have to get a livingroom set with a payment plan or could we just do as we always do and buy used? Oh conviction. Oh sweet conviction! I ask God what he would have me to after hearing my husband's heart about the "stuff" we have and how our giving have gone down since getting this "stuff". I heard immediately “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me." Ouch! Conviction! Lord, please dont make me give up my washer and dryer :)

Paul said that the biggest thing that has been bothering him is our livingroom TV. Really?! I dont even understand why he didnt tell me. I force myself to sit in front of it and watch it because it has a huge payment and costs so much. I am proud of him for telling me he wants it gone. This isnt us! We are going to sit down with the kids tonight and explain why this week we will be giving back our "stuff." We will look for stuff we can pay for with cash. I am calling compassion and getting our kids back! Compassion was nice enough to give us a chance to indulge in ourselves break while we got settled. Since we went on that break things have been not so good for us. Thats not why we give, I am just saying since going on "break" we have noticed things.

Look I am not saying this for pity or pats on the back, I dont deserve either. I am just laying it all out. This is real, this is me, this is raw. I have sinned. I have not denied myself but indulged it. I have forgotten I am made to live not of this world. Shame on me! God, forgive me. Forgive my weaknesses. Help me to live a life wholly and completely following hard after you. I forgot my purpose. A song comes to my Lord, a song I never equated to this subject until you brought it to me. "I know I'm not strong enough to be everything that I'm supposed to be I give up I'm not stong enough Hands of mercy won't you cover me Lord right now I'm asking you to be
Strong enough Strong enough For the both of us. Lord help me to deny myself. Help me to raise my family to believe in denying ourselves. I want them to know that we are not here for stuff but here to serve. God help us. Thank you for the break in the car, thank you for convicting both my husband and I and thank you for allowing Paul to express to me how he feels. Help me to take the criticisms that I know will come from this. Help to always remember my purpose here. In Jesus name I pray. Amen.

And he said to them all, If any man will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross daily, and follow me.

For whosoever will save his life shall lose it: but whosoever will lose his life for my sake, the same shall save it. Luke 9 23 and 24

Can I tell you all what just happened? My husband went out to check on the car and there is no leak. Why was there a leak at church? I think it was a wake up call we desperately needed. Thank you Jesus!

Be blessed

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